My progess.

[Justin W]

I started back at work this last week.
I've managed to do it and this week was a surprisingly good one compared to some others feel pretty fatigued at work and once I get home and stop doing stuff I bomb out and can't do alot but have been playing some games and practicing on my guitar.

I went to a wedding in another town after work on saturday felt pretty tired and didnt enjoy it much as it was pretty poorly organised and I only knew a few people there, was pretty sad watching all the other people there eating the food and drinking liqour and there was me sitting there having to take pills and drink some nutritional milk drinks and eat ricey bars.

Left early and came home, watched a bit of a movie called school or rock which I somewhat enjoyed, went to bed earlier than usual as was fairly tired.

Got up today and I feel completely nuked on every level, physically mentally and emotionally. The feeling of depression is back and hitting me pretty hard I don't feel like doing anything I feel so sad I wanna cry but can't and everything seems pointless.

[crystalgaze]

You were doing good.... !! That's good to hear!

Hang in there.... I think maybe... you're just having a moment?? See how long it lasts.... Go easy on yourself & now is the time to take extra care.

Post back, ya?

[Justin W]

Monday and tuesday sucked big time, didn't do alot just the bare minimum to get by.
Had work today almost didn't go and while I was there all I could think about was how pointless it all was and contemplated when it'd all end.
I guess the worst thing is I never feel anything except sadness anymore don't really know what to do it just seems like I can never be happy ever again.

[hollyann]

Justin, just remember you didn't get to feeling this way over night most likely. So you won't feel better over night. It's a process you talking here, you admitting whats going on its all a part of the process and steps to making you feel better. Hang in there.

Holly

[Justin W]

I felt so tired at work today, and I have another two days to go yay.
I must admit I had planned on hanging myself when I got home from work today as I knew there'd be no one around.

When I got home I was so tired that as soon as I sat down I nodded off and when I woke up I was too tired to be bothered to do much of anything let alone have me a hangin, so I got out of my dirty work clothes had a shower and now I'm drinking a cup of coffee, I don't even know why because I hate coffee.

[crystalgaze]

Hey Justin.... Is there any place where you can get help? You are not sounding very good.

You may know it, but beware of your negative thinking.... It's like you need a time out or so....

Is there anything you like to do? a place you like to go? Maybe those are things you can do to help with coping?

Just a few thoughts or so.... I'm not sure if they help or what.

[Justin W]

Yeah I've allready got a caseworker and medication.
I guess I should probably be telling them how shit things are but I just don't feel like it, I guess because If they knew where I was at they might act to take away my "options" and I'm rather content to leave those open and see what happens.

There was stuff I used to enjoy doing but can't do most of it anymore and the stuff I can just seems shit to me now.
I'm only really living for other people now which is probably lucky as its kept me hanging on this long but I'm just so sick of the pain the constant medication the fact that life is now a funless struggle of pointlessness and crushed dreams.

I need some stuff for my guitar I can go into town and buy it or just order it online, if I go the town route I'll have it right away if I order it I'll have to wait but won't have to leave the house, all seems absurdly hilarious to me thinkin about buying things when I'd rather be gone for good, can't even decide what to do now.