As I wrote last week I've been worried that I'm never going to get out of my depression and this is life for me from now on. I thought I was feeling dramatic, and thinking within my depression. But I had counceling yesterday and she feels I have chronic depression and most likely will have bouts of depression and anxiety my entire life. So I'll have some good times then be brought down out of the blue again and again as my life progresses.
How am I supposed to just accept this? I know that it's comparable to having a disease like diabete's where I have to be aware of its presence and take care of myself so I can be as health as possible(mentally). And I know when I'm down like I am now what I have to do: exercise, eat right, comfort myself, use self talk, make small achievable goals, take my vitamins(not allowed medacine), be around my friends, not isolate myself. I know this, and I know that in theory I Can get through it. But thats not what it feels like. I'm tired and I don't want to do anything, I want to sleep, but sleep brings it's own problems. And then I get into a negative thought pattern where I wonder what the point is. If this is just going to keep happening, how am I going to enjoy life?
I really hate this part of myself. I'm negative, adn hopeless and defeated. I have the tools to fix this, but I know its a temporary hold. Would you keep patching a bridge that leaked? or tear it down and build something better? I just want to feel the will to fight...that there is some point to this.
Sorry for the long message, I don't even know if this conveys my feelings. Hope it makes sense.
So this is it then?
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
It sounds corny, but you have to just keep remembering positive moments and decide to look forward to another one of those, even if it's weeks away.
I struggle as well with the idea that this will be a part of me for the rest of my life. And that right now it is bad. I have to be forcibly, horribly, disgustingly, cornily positive towards myself. But that isn't failproof. I've been severely down for 6 weeks now, and with mixed episodes. I've never had my depression cycle be like this in the 4 years I've been aware of my mental state.
But I'm still here, wearing my clothes from work because i'm too scared to leave my room and shower, unable to get more than 2 hours sleep a night, smearing makeup on my pillow. And I'm thinking of the small good things:
Crispy washing off the line, thanks to the sun (just going into spring here, but I remember it)
Eating the butter sugar mix from the beginnings of Mum's (Mom's) baking
My first A+ on a uni assignment
21st speeches made by my friends and family (even the embarassing ones!)
Coming home to find my flatmate has done my dishes because she knows I'm stressed out.
A stranger complimenting my dress
The warm gratitude towards the friend that strokes my hair when I'm having a panic attack in the uni bathroom.
I don't know if any of these apply, but you can borrow them if you need to.
I struggle as well with the idea that this will be a part of me for the rest of my life. And that right now it is bad. I have to be forcibly, horribly, disgustingly, cornily positive towards myself. But that isn't failproof. I've been severely down for 6 weeks now, and with mixed episodes. I've never had my depression cycle be like this in the 4 years I've been aware of my mental state.
But I'm still here, wearing my clothes from work because i'm too scared to leave my room and shower, unable to get more than 2 hours sleep a night, smearing makeup on my pillow. And I'm thinking of the small good things:
Crispy washing off the line, thanks to the sun (just going into spring here, but I remember it)
Eating the butter sugar mix from the beginnings of Mum's (Mom's) baking
My first A+ on a uni assignment
21st speeches made by my friends and family (even the embarassing ones!)
Coming home to find my flatmate has done my dishes because she knows I'm stressed out.
A stranger complimenting my dress
The warm gratitude towards the friend that strokes my hair when I'm having a panic attack in the uni bathroom.
I don't know if any of these apply, but you can borrow them if you need to.
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
" So, this is it then? "
Like you, I often wonder if " the game is worth the candle " ? Like you, I also wonder how am I going to live a " normal " life if I'm going to have to work so hard so often to not only manage my depression, but also put my life back together after each depression-caused " crash and burn " ?
I often find it hard to challenge my negative thinking, my fears, isolation and loneliness. I get knocked back by things that don't seem to bother " normal " people, I'm very conscious sometimes of people asking me if I'm " alright " in a carefully-casual, but slightly concerned way.
However, I remind myself that this ISNT " it ". Taking care of myself, managing my depression, sometimes just weathering my depression, working through my negative feelings of loneliness, fear, worthlessness etc, isn't my life. Doing these things is a precondition , a prerequisite, a necessary foundation for " it ".
Yes, you'll have to do all the things that you mention to keep your depression at bay. HOWEVER, your life isn't the exercise, the eating right, the self-talk, etc. Those things are necessary, but NOT your whole life. Your life is the people you'll meet, the places you'll go, the things you'll see, the new thoughts that you'll think, the stories that you'll hear, the hope that you WILL find in other people, at the same time as you're doing all the things that you need to do to manage your depression. The exercise, the eating right, the self talk, etc, are not " it ", they are just the hard work that people like " me and thee " have to do that makes " it " possible.
And, even in the worst of days I take comfort from the thought that in any day there is always something to marvel at the experience of.
So, please hang in there!!!! Seeing what's around the next corner IS worth the journey!
Like you, I often wonder if " the game is worth the candle " ? Like you, I also wonder how am I going to live a " normal " life if I'm going to have to work so hard so often to not only manage my depression, but also put my life back together after each depression-caused " crash and burn " ?
I often find it hard to challenge my negative thinking, my fears, isolation and loneliness. I get knocked back by things that don't seem to bother " normal " people, I'm very conscious sometimes of people asking me if I'm " alright " in a carefully-casual, but slightly concerned way.
However, I remind myself that this ISNT " it ". Taking care of myself, managing my depression, sometimes just weathering my depression, working through my negative feelings of loneliness, fear, worthlessness etc, isn't my life. Doing these things is a precondition , a prerequisite, a necessary foundation for " it ".
Yes, you'll have to do all the things that you mention to keep your depression at bay. HOWEVER, your life isn't the exercise, the eating right, the self-talk, etc. Those things are necessary, but NOT your whole life. Your life is the people you'll meet, the places you'll go, the things you'll see, the new thoughts that you'll think, the stories that you'll hear, the hope that you WILL find in other people, at the same time as you're doing all the things that you need to do to manage your depression. The exercise, the eating right, the self talk, etc, are not " it ", they are just the hard work that people like " me and thee " have to do that makes " it " possible.
And, even in the worst of days I take comfort from the thought that in any day there is always something to marvel at the experience of.
So, please hang in there!!!! Seeing what's around the next corner IS worth the journey!
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Crista5387
- Posts: 24
- Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2010 3:00 pm
- Location: Vancouver
Thank you to both of you. I know your right, and I do need to remember to focus on the good. Use the tools I have and not let my own emotions discourage me from the bigger picture of my life. It's hard(and going to continue to be) when I'm in the low's, but there is so much good in each day that needs to be remembered. And I know that if I keep moving forward I will hit a good patch again. But really thank you, sometimes its hard for me to see it by myself.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
(((((((((((((((( Crista5387 ))))))))))))))))))
I have many things to deal with on a physical side. I could list them, but there isn't a need. All this is being dealt with medications and shots. Not a cure but a temporary fix. I am good with that, I take the meds faithfully.
I also deal with Depression and Anxiety. The ones that play hey-day with me is the Depression and Anxiety. I don't think or worry about pains or inconveniences of any of my issues. But depression and anxiety is very much on my mind and in my life. Daily, I think of it, deal with it, and try to make the day somewhat worthwhile.
Know you aren't alone with your thoughts and feelings. Depression and Anxiety can't be compared to other diseases, they are in a category of their own. That would be comparing apples to oranges, totally different.
Society doesn't always understand, some people think we can just 'snap out of it' and get on with normal. But this is the normal for us. Guess that is why the support in this forum is so great, we understand.
Keep as positive as you can, do what you can to keep the 'lows' at bay. Share with those that care and understand. Keep the fight going, stay as strong as you can, when you can. Remember we are here at those times you need that extra hug, a shoulder to cry on, or a friend to share with. We are all those to each other.
Thank you for posting, for making me stop and think over my life, and my being very thankful for having this family, here, supporting and caring as you all do.
Warmie
I have many things to deal with on a physical side. I could list them, but there isn't a need. All this is being dealt with medications and shots. Not a cure but a temporary fix. I am good with that, I take the meds faithfully.
I also deal with Depression and Anxiety. The ones that play hey-day with me is the Depression and Anxiety. I don't think or worry about pains or inconveniences of any of my issues. But depression and anxiety is very much on my mind and in my life. Daily, I think of it, deal with it, and try to make the day somewhat worthwhile.
Know you aren't alone with your thoughts and feelings. Depression and Anxiety can't be compared to other diseases, they are in a category of their own. That would be comparing apples to oranges, totally different.
Society doesn't always understand, some people think we can just 'snap out of it' and get on with normal. But this is the normal for us. Guess that is why the support in this forum is so great, we understand.
Keep as positive as you can, do what you can to keep the 'lows' at bay. Share with those that care and understand. Keep the fight going, stay as strong as you can, when you can. Remember we are here at those times you need that extra hug, a shoulder to cry on, or a friend to share with. We are all those to each other.
Thank you for posting, for making me stop and think over my life, and my being very thankful for having this family, here, supporting and caring as you all do.
Warmie
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
" Sometimes it's hard for me to see it by myself. "
I feel the same way, sometimes it's hard for me to see things by myself. Which is why support from people who do understand is so important to me as well.
Take care of yourself, (((( Crista5387 )))). And, thanks for posting, very often replying to a post helps helps me to clarify my own thoughts and feelings as I'm doing so, just as reading posts does.
I feel the same way, sometimes it's hard for me to see things by myself. Which is why support from people who do understand is so important to me as well.
Take care of yourself, (((( Crista5387 )))). And, thanks for posting, very often replying to a post helps helps me to clarify my own thoughts and feelings as I'm doing so, just as reading posts does.
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