Near Miss (triggering)

[Justin W]

So last night I pretty much decided I'd had enough.
Left a goodbye note in my room and went for a short but nervous walk to a pre scouted secluded location. There was a technical hitch when setting up though and I couldnt find a way to put everything together properly.
It was really frustrating and annoying but I figure I failed at everything else in life why should this be any different.

The plan itself I thought was fairly sound but a minor detail messed up the execution of it, anyway after quite a bit of trying I realised it wasnt going to work, so for lack of a better idea I figured I'd make a quick retreat home to prevent the note being found and the repercussions that might bring.

I'm suprised at how calm I was throughout it all stone cold sober and only a little nervous, I was really frustrated when it didn't work but on the walk home I didnt really feel anything at all apart from fear of being caught out.

[Obayan]

Call a hotline. Call a doctor. Tell those around you what is going on. Please.

[crystalgaze]

Your life isn't over yet. I'm sure you don't fail at EVERYTHING! (Look... You just wrote & expressed yourself very well.)

Work on the positive things! You can do it!


((((((((((((((( Justin ))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Obayan]

don't give up hon. ((( justin )))

[Justin W]

Well I ended up trying it again with a slight refinement to the plan which didnt work either, this time I wasnt as resolved as the previous time though.

I just can't take the pain physical and mental, I've lost the anility to do all the things I loved in life even just little things like eating and drinking are a real struggle for me now, I know I'm going to lose my job and I'm going to have to start all over again only this time with nothing to enjoy in life and in constant pain.

[Justin W]

I called the mental health team in my town and talked with a member of staff about what happened, I actually laughed when I was describing how I'd failed to set things up twice.

They've dealt with me before once for suicide attempts when I was younger and more recently this year when I was going down from malnutrition and was set on ending it but narrowly avoided it.

I have ups and downs, sometimes I'm like I can do this! and other times I think about everything I've lost and everything I'm up against and its like man I just want to be gone from this place forever.

[Obayan]

So, what is going to happen now? Are they going to help you?

[Justin W]

I'm seeing someone tomorrow and after that they'll set up an appointment to see a psychiatrist for next week.

[crystalgaze]

Okay! That's good! (((((((((((((( Justin )))))))))))))))))))))

[lisalou]

I'm really proud of you for seeking help and i hope life becomes more bearable for you soon

[Justin W]

I'm not sure its going to matter. I don't really want to fight it anymore, at the moment I'm using my last tiny reserves to hang in for other peoples sake.

[Justin W]

Well I went in today and talked to two female staff at the mental health unit.
Talking about it honestly and frankly made me feel a little better, they were so concerned they rang the psychiatrist to ask him what should be done and he came right in to see me.

He talked with me a little, I didnt really get that much from talking to him, I guess he was mainly there to assess me further and write a prescription for me. I asked if it would be possible to get mirtazapine as I'd heard it can be beneficial for my gastroparesis.

So now I'm armed with a script for mirtazapine I'm going to see him again in two weeks time and the staff will ring me again tommorow and also organise a permanent case worker for me.

[Obayan]

That's a start sweetie.