I have no education and lack the ability to drive. No wonder I'm not respected. I get that. However, I have many talents and abilities that I thought well outweighed these things and I give those things my all.
For a few days, I felt so much better, like I had a new understanding with my family. I felt stronger, happier. I woke up with at least a little energy. Then it was like the Gods laugh and say, "SIKE!"
It ended when I was scolded for a little thing, something that could have just been addressed with me and I would have understood. If I spoke to my husband as he did to me, he wouldn't take it well. I can't stand being addressed like I'm something useless, disposable. This man has done more for me than anyone, and when I say something about how hurt I feel when I'm humiliated in front of friends and family by being overly ridiculed over something small, I think he feels I'm insulted everything about him, or undermining what he has done. I've told him differently. Still, he left angry at me for a trip for gas that has turned into three hours. I tried to take a nap while he was gone and gave my children some time to just watch TV. While laying down, I find my daughter answered the door for a man I don't even want around for reasons if I brought up, all of you would understand. I found out the man went up onto my property looking for my husband and drove around.
I have no say-so over my own home. No say-so over how I'm spoken to.
I love him so much, but I have to wonder if he really loves me. I ask myself why he would be with me if he doesn't.
I'll never get well again like this. I don't know what to say to him. If he sees me cry, he'll see me as week (His ex wife who dumped him for his best friend cried at the drop of a hat so he notices nothing when a woman has tears). If I talk nice, he'll think it's no big deal. If I talk like I'm bothered, I'll be seen as a nag, he'll get defensive, and we're back to square one.
I don't want to give up our hopes and dreams. I don't want to give up what could be. I don't want to let go of the way it feels when things are good. I just don't know what to do. Once again, I have many things I need to be doing, and I'm in the room fighting back tears so kids don't hear me, trying to seem normal. I should be working today, and I'm working on a blog to a depression forum trying to vent so I don't completely have a nervous breakdown. What is happening to me?
Why does life have to suck like this, just when things could be so wonderful. Sometimes, I'm just ready to give up on everything. I'm fighting that emotion with everything in me, but the depression beast is creeping up on me again. I'm not taking care of myself like I should, and once again, I don't even want to move. I'm wishing I could fall asleep, just to not feel. I'm too old for the fear and drama anymore, and I can't live with it forever.
How do you know when to throw in the towel?
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findingmyself
- Posts: 9
- Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 12:22 pm
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
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- Location: USA
You seem to be in a bit of a bind right now, but I do believe it can get better.
Why not talk to your husband and tell him you want to go to driving school or ask him to teach you?
It would be interesting to see what he says, but only do so when you feel a little bit better--to prepare for if his answer is not a positive one.
Is there anyone else you trust who can watch the kids while you try to get things done for yourself?
Do you know if there are any support groups where you live--whether its for depression or something related to mothers? I would start looking for something, if I were in your shoes.
Oh and about the education part, obviously you're N-O-T dumb. You write well. You express your thoughts well. You sound like a wonderful person. Don't down yourself. You are the only person who will big yourself up/praise yourself (and maybe family), so don't tear yourself down at all. There are so many people in the world who can/will do it for you.
Don't accept anyone disrespecting you or dumping on you or doing things to indicate to you that you are worthless/low. Get rid of those people from your life.
I'll stop here before this gets too long. It's just some food for thought.
Why not talk to your husband and tell him you want to go to driving school or ask him to teach you?
It would be interesting to see what he says, but only do so when you feel a little bit better--to prepare for if his answer is not a positive one.
Is there anyone else you trust who can watch the kids while you try to get things done for yourself?
Do you know if there are any support groups where you live--whether its for depression or something related to mothers? I would start looking for something, if I were in your shoes.
Oh and about the education part, obviously you're N-O-T dumb. You write well. You express your thoughts well. You sound like a wonderful person. Don't down yourself. You are the only person who will big yourself up/praise yourself (and maybe family), so don't tear yourself down at all. There are so many people in the world who can/will do it for you.
Don't accept anyone disrespecting you or dumping on you or doing things to indicate to you that you are worthless/low. Get rid of those people from your life.
I'll stop here before this gets too long. It's just some food for thought.
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findingmyself
- Posts: 9
- Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 12:22 pm
I know how to drive, but I used to have seizures that made it unsafe to drive. They are very rare now, but I still have fear, what if it happens, I zone off, and kill someone. I would feel responsible for that. That's something I have a real difficulty overcoming. I live on land where I do drive to camp and back without fear. It's just the idea of going away from the home and having something happen. The longer time goes by where I don't have the condition reoccur, I know I'll get past it. In spite of how sad I am right now about many things, my general health is so much better today than it used to be like the difference between night and day. That's why I'm so afraid. I can't go back to what I used to be. It would kill me. I've worked too hard to be who I am now, which is quite a few steps up the ladder to the person I know I'm meant to be. That's what hurts the most is that I feel rather than my family giving me a hand to the next step, they aren't concerned about behavior that kicks me back down.
I used to go to numerous forms of therapy, but the biggest problem is religious differences. I have to keep much of who I am to myself, because freedom of religion usually means freedom to follow any mainstream belief you want...or you can be an atheist.
You bring up other beliefs, and you can see the look in the eyes of a counselor that makes you realize fast to just shut up. Feeling that inhibited to speak with someone who is supposed to help me doesn't do much to normalize me. So I have to leave out a lot of what makes me who I am. When I've spoken to "clergy" who understand, I've found them not to be experienced enough to assist me; not knowing more than I already know, not that I'd find any where I live now anyway. I've been to enough shrinks in my past, that if I put on a nice dress, did up my hair, and you came to talk to me about your troubles, I have every line memorized of what they would say, how they would react, each time they will nod their head to something you express, everything they find valid enough that it should be written down. I would know the advice they would give you, and likely even the medication of choice they'd throw you on if they had the degree to prescribe.
I live in the boondocks, so though I do have friends to talk to, most live too far to just call them up and say, "Hey, lets have a girl's night out". Don't get me wrong, I love where I live. But it is the downside of being where I am. For example, there is no option of folks watching my kids unless I want to travel a three hour distance.
I had a long talk with my husband yesterday. It's difficult to talk to him sometimes, because the moment the conversation isn't fluffy, he goes into defensive mode, and yes I do carefully phrase my words. In fact, I think out exactly what I will and won't say before I ever open my mouth. The one greatest thing people do to destroy relationships is getting defensive when a loved one speaks of their pain, and rather stick to a resolution, or just be a listener, they go off onto other subjects from another day, and it ends up like a child's conversation of, "Oh yea...well you did this on a Wednesday". It's like playing a contest of "who is worse" rather than just deal with topics at hand as they come up. I don't know why people do this. I wonder why the world is full of so much insecurity like that, that folks demean and invalidate the point their loved ones are trying to make. It's not just my husband. I've watched this carry out in MOST people's relationships from what I've witnessed.
Through the years, I've reduced that happening by declaring that if he has a problem with me, he does not save it for emotional ammunition at a later time. Still, it's not easy to stop it. He just knows that I won't deal with it.
I'll say things like, "I hear you are bothered by what I did in the past, but because you didn't bring it up when it happened, and right now I'm trying to get the bottom of something completely different, can we save that conversation for afterward. I respect that it matters to you just as much as what I'm saying to you, but since I brought this up first, lets resolve it, then deal with that". It works 7 out of 10 times.
Interestingly, I was able to be more patient with it all when I was sick. I think I felt I deserved such a life with people not caring about how I felt. The better I feel, the angrier it all makes me when it happens, because I don't have the same level of insecurity that gives this treatment validation.
A long talk yesterday did end well though. I demanded certain boundaries not be crossed in a way the logic could not be refuted. I was kind, but stayed strong...or at least tried to appear that way. Inside, I feel a lot of panic though.
I also find myself avoiding my family more and more. I don't feel the closeness to my kids and that's a tough one to handle. Both argue about EVERYTHING! There is nothing harder than trying to bring logic to two children who seem to enjoy bickering as a sport. When I try to stop it, I come across mean. I know they are just kids, but that look on their faces when I'm trying to explain why it must stop, it's like I'm some horrible person. I know this is normal, but I find myself putting up a big wall to not feel the pain of it. The only way I can reduce it is to threaten to take everything from them, or actually do so. I admit, I'm not the best Mothering material. I realize it's my job to do this, but I don't want to be a referee all the time. I'd rather enjoy time with them, doing fun things and teaching them things. I watch some of my sisters who don't even talk to each other today, or hold terrible grudges where they've caused a lot of harm, because of things in their childhood and I cringe at the thought of my children being like that.
Yea, I'm kind of in a bind, and at the mercy of my family understanding their actions. I've sat down with my children as well. Most of my feelings I've kept from them beyond, "Please stop, it's getting on my nerves".
We'll see how it goes.
I should be up and out of bed by now, but the house is so wonderfully quiet, and the tranquility is the most beautiful thing I've felt in a while.
With that said, I have to get a start on this day, and see if anything I said took. Here goes.....
I used to go to numerous forms of therapy, but the biggest problem is religious differences. I have to keep much of who I am to myself, because freedom of religion usually means freedom to follow any mainstream belief you want...or you can be an atheist.
You bring up other beliefs, and you can see the look in the eyes of a counselor that makes you realize fast to just shut up. Feeling that inhibited to speak with someone who is supposed to help me doesn't do much to normalize me. So I have to leave out a lot of what makes me who I am. When I've spoken to "clergy" who understand, I've found them not to be experienced enough to assist me; not knowing more than I already know, not that I'd find any where I live now anyway. I've been to enough shrinks in my past, that if I put on a nice dress, did up my hair, and you came to talk to me about your troubles, I have every line memorized of what they would say, how they would react, each time they will nod their head to something you express, everything they find valid enough that it should be written down. I would know the advice they would give you, and likely even the medication of choice they'd throw you on if they had the degree to prescribe.
I live in the boondocks, so though I do have friends to talk to, most live too far to just call them up and say, "Hey, lets have a girl's night out". Don't get me wrong, I love where I live. But it is the downside of being where I am. For example, there is no option of folks watching my kids unless I want to travel a three hour distance.
I had a long talk with my husband yesterday. It's difficult to talk to him sometimes, because the moment the conversation isn't fluffy, he goes into defensive mode, and yes I do carefully phrase my words. In fact, I think out exactly what I will and won't say before I ever open my mouth. The one greatest thing people do to destroy relationships is getting defensive when a loved one speaks of their pain, and rather stick to a resolution, or just be a listener, they go off onto other subjects from another day, and it ends up like a child's conversation of, "Oh yea...well you did this on a Wednesday". It's like playing a contest of "who is worse" rather than just deal with topics at hand as they come up. I don't know why people do this. I wonder why the world is full of so much insecurity like that, that folks demean and invalidate the point their loved ones are trying to make. It's not just my husband. I've watched this carry out in MOST people's relationships from what I've witnessed.
Through the years, I've reduced that happening by declaring that if he has a problem with me, he does not save it for emotional ammunition at a later time. Still, it's not easy to stop it. He just knows that I won't deal with it.
I'll say things like, "I hear you are bothered by what I did in the past, but because you didn't bring it up when it happened, and right now I'm trying to get the bottom of something completely different, can we save that conversation for afterward. I respect that it matters to you just as much as what I'm saying to you, but since I brought this up first, lets resolve it, then deal with that". It works 7 out of 10 times.
Interestingly, I was able to be more patient with it all when I was sick. I think I felt I deserved such a life with people not caring about how I felt. The better I feel, the angrier it all makes me when it happens, because I don't have the same level of insecurity that gives this treatment validation.
A long talk yesterday did end well though. I demanded certain boundaries not be crossed in a way the logic could not be refuted. I was kind, but stayed strong...or at least tried to appear that way. Inside, I feel a lot of panic though.
I also find myself avoiding my family more and more. I don't feel the closeness to my kids and that's a tough one to handle. Both argue about EVERYTHING! There is nothing harder than trying to bring logic to two children who seem to enjoy bickering as a sport. When I try to stop it, I come across mean. I know they are just kids, but that look on their faces when I'm trying to explain why it must stop, it's like I'm some horrible person. I know this is normal, but I find myself putting up a big wall to not feel the pain of it. The only way I can reduce it is to threaten to take everything from them, or actually do so. I admit, I'm not the best Mothering material. I realize it's my job to do this, but I don't want to be a referee all the time. I'd rather enjoy time with them, doing fun things and teaching them things. I watch some of my sisters who don't even talk to each other today, or hold terrible grudges where they've caused a lot of harm, because of things in their childhood and I cringe at the thought of my children being like that.
Yea, I'm kind of in a bind, and at the mercy of my family understanding their actions. I've sat down with my children as well. Most of my feelings I've kept from them beyond, "Please stop, it's getting on my nerves".
We'll see how it goes.
I should be up and out of bed by now, but the house is so wonderfully quiet, and the tranquility is the most beautiful thing I've felt in a while.
With that said, I have to get a start on this day, and see if anything I said took. Here goes.....
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