Bad Day (trigger?)

[shatteredhopes]

Well couldn't get to sleep last night and when finally did had bad, disturbing dreams and things have gone downhill from there. My little a/c unit is sputtering in the 100+ degree temps and keeps dying and knocking out power on that outlet. I have tured it off, which i did when it did that yesterday and worked okay last night...hoping I don't lose my a/c...can't sleep in the heat and years ago friend helped me get that unit because I was going into heat exhaustion and risking heat stroke. Had a bad feeling of doom coupla days ago...losing my a/c would be just my typical bad luck.

I'm soooo tired. My mental health deteriorates when i don't sleep, and only got coupla hours last night and was disturbed at that. Why is that something good happens then something bad immediately follows? I'm so tired of this miserable life and suffering. I have tried, especially since i orignially got sober a dozen years ago, I have really tried to be a good person. I don't understand why bad "blank" keeps happening every time I start to feel the slightest sigh of relief. I'm sick of it. Disturbing dreams three nights in a row recently. And this is the anniversary time of when my ex and I fell in love, making the hurt more real and reminding me how alone I am and how far I am from something to give life meaning again.

I decided I wanted to finish my novel and keep thinking about it but the minute I get close to doing something get overwhelmed with anxiety. Now I am talking myself out of it, what's the point? It will be emotional to write as draws on much of my personal experiences and will just be yet another disappointment. Its like the less I try, the less probability there is I'll get hurt. So I do nothing. Nothing! Even then bad stuff still happens.

The good things that were in the mix of all this...I sat for the blind elderly lady again and when I left she hugged me and told me she loved me. Then my mom told me she was proud of me for taking such good care of the lady, and my mom is usually so seemingly ashamed of me and has only ever said she was proud of me one time in my life before. Both meant a lot for someone as isolated and alone as me.

But, that just makes me feel even more guilty for wanting to end my life.

[Obayan]

((( shattered )))

[Jeanne]

The good news is that there are two people who are proud of you for what you have done. That had to have felt good! You have eased the burden of your elderly neighbor. I don't think you will know just how much your help means to her. You are probably doing more good than you realize. Allow yourself to feel good about that. You deserve it. Take care.

[Obayan]

Jeanne is right. Allow yourself to feel good about that hon.

[shatteredhopes]

Things have deteriorated significantly. I was asked to sit again and this time I don't think I can do it because of this crisis, I can't take care of someone else right now, I am worried I won't do a good job, start hearing voices again, and won't even be able to drive when needed.

Everything feels so hopeless and I feel like such a burden. I wonder if anything I've ever done in my life amounts to anything. No matter how hard I try, I always fail. I've spent months on this site, now I am feeling like I've been trying to help others when I can't help myself. I felt like it was helping but afraid I've just been postponing.

I have been trying to get into group therapy, and I am afraid if I do and afraid if don't...have had some bad experiences with the mental health profession and I am also afraid of the overwhelming pain of dealing with all the trauma and tragic issues like (((((((((mich)))))))) has gone through in therapy. But if I don't I will never get better. No miracle is gunna save me.

Everything just feels hopeless. Everytime I start to get myself together, something has happened to set me back. I am so weary of life.

[Obayan]

((( shattered ))) we are here for you sweetie. You can do this. Hang on hon. We love you so much.

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((Obayan)))))))))

I am feeling a bit of relief today, although somewhat in brain fog still. One good thing that came out of this recent nightmare, i remembered something. I was tested one time and they said I was borderline schizoid, which was described as sort of like autism. That makes total sense to me, because its always like there is a danger of disappearing into my own mind, which at times, can be a terrifying place. Its like there's a disconnect or loose wire between my mind and body. The good thing is, now I can see if there's treatment. One thing I do know, being so isolated has made it far worse. I need to as (((((((((Tacking))))))))) says, engage the world, as painful of a place as it can be at times.

Add to that the schizo-affective stuff and PTSD and physical pain issues at times, it feels so hopeless...but I am trying to get into group. I really feel like if i can deal with the trauma issues, there is hope of significant improvement and someday functioning semi-normally again.

(((((((((Mich)))))))))((((((((((((Tacking)))))))))) where are you? Worried tacking because you were going through such a rough time last we heard from you, and you too mich.

[Obayan]

((( shattered ))) just keep trying sweetie. It will get better.

[Mich]

((((shatteredhopes))))) I haven't been around much lately but have thought of you often. I am glad to read that you may be giving group therapy a try. That shows a lot of courage and I am proud of you.

[Obayan]

((( mich ))) welcome home buddy.

((( shattered ))) love you.

[lisalou]

shatteredhopes, hope you are safe and that your hopes may be rebuilt again sometime soon

Big love to you honey
Lisa xxx

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((((( shatteredhopes ))))))))))))))))))))))

Just a hug, hope it helps.

Warmie