I'm confused. I need help.

[Catcat]

I don't know if i'm depressed or not. It's really starting to wear me down at moments i think i am and other times i just dont know. There will be times ,usually almost everyday, where nothing seems fun and I just sit there alone in my room thinking till my head hurts, oblivous to everything and wondering how it would be to be dead. (At those moments i have no motivation to do anything and sit there empty inside) To get away from whatever is bothering me. I have no idea what my problem is and that just makes me think more and brings me close to tears. I hate everything about myself and dont see how anyone could like me. My self esteem doesn't even exist. Then however I have days where I am ok where its nice to see the sun shine and feel the wind go through my hair. However, once its dark or im alone the thoughts come and i start getting really...i dont even know what the feeling is. At that point i just want to hurt myself but i dont want any scars because i already have some that i hate and want them to go away. So I find different ways and it helps for a tiny while.Then when its really bad i eat hardly anything at all. The only thing i will eat is a tiny bit breakfast and dinner just to make my stomach shush. I feel like im to blame for feeling like this and like i could snap out of it if i wanted to but then at the same time i just cant and it confuses me so much. It makes me want to cry but I can't. I've taken numerous depression test online and they all say the same. That I'm depressed and need help but at the same time that i believe it ,I dont believe it. I just don't know anymore I feel like I should just stop trying but I can't because I want to know what the problem is so it can stop. It's been like this for about 3 years now on and off,but mostly on. I can't get evaluated either because my parents would need to know and I can't tell them no matter what because they wont do anything and i just cant. I feel like there's nothing for me to do and like it will never end. I mean it's not as bad as it used to be. When I was about 13 it seemed like everything had no color, like it was lifeless and flat. The confusing thoughts i get make my head spin and everything I just wrote makes no sense.

[Obayan]

Hi. Only a doctor can diagnose you. And it does get confusing. The common myth is that if someone is depressed then they are suicideal 24/7 and it's just not that way. We have our good days too. And we have our mediocre days. And we have our bad days. It's a roller coaster ride. Please see your doctor and get a proper diagnosis. Once it's named, you can begin to fight it.

[Catcat]

Oh ok that makes sense. Thanks lol but I can't get help. Not for a while anyway.

[Obayan]

You can always ask up front if this is a confidential conversation or not. It's worth a try hon.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Hi (((( Catcat ))))! Actually your post made a great deal of sense to me. In fact, it's very much like I feel at the moment, to be honest.
But, as (((( Obayan )))) says, I have good days and bad days. And, I'm better than I was when I was at my lowest, about this time last year.
So, I would agree with (((( Obayan )))) in encouraging you to see a doctor, as and when you can, and as and when you feel comfortable doing so. I found that going to my doctor was very much the start of my " Recovery ", even if my " Recovery " is still two steps forward one step back at times.
I did find going to my doctor very helpful, but then again, my doctor was someone who has treated me for years. I appreciate that your circumstances may be different to mine.
Good luck, and keep posting as and when you feel like it.

[Catcat]

Thank you Obayan and Takingintothewind.If I get the chance i guess ill go.

[Obayan]

I'm glad you are taking the first steps to getting help. I'm very proud of you.