I need to say this now

[Misty]

If i don't get this out now i never will. For all i've hoped and all i've tried things are just going to SHIT! What gets me is that i have tried so hard to keep a little hope in my heart that in time things will work out and even if not that there is a reason why it's happening that will be revealed later. For almost 2 years now since i lost my job i have been self medicating. It's escalated to almost a quart a week of whiskey on top of pain meds i take for my back. since i have no insurance or means of paying for medical care what else is there? I guess you could say i've become a functioning alcoholic. I have look all over my area for a doctor willing to take payments but i live in a small town. God i have never told anyone before until now. My husband knows i drink but turns his head because he knows it calms me and he would rather ignore things because really doesn't believe in depression. He's one of the people that say to get over it. I am so embarassed saying this. For the friends i've come to know here, i am sorry for hiding it. My depression has been something i've dealt with for a long time and as long as i was busy and working it was manageable. Now i can't work because of my back and have no means to support myself. Our home is in desperate need of repair since the hurricanes and he is not willing to do a thing about it. He basically picks and chooses what he wants to do around the house. I have built up such resentment towards him that i'm afraid i will just pack it up and go if something else doesn't get me first. His job comes first and it's no big deal if home repairs don't get done. I have no money no income and i feel helpless to do anything. Lately it's been in the back of my mind to just get it over and done with and i don't like putting this down. I'm not sure if i could but the thought is always there every morning when i wake. While i have the courage i decided to get this out in the open. This has taken a long time to type because i keep going back and editing things. It's like i don't think i said the right thing in the right way. So forgive me if i say things out of order or repeat myself or make no sense at all. I don't know anymore. If it gets more than i can take i will call a crisis line. It's been a long day and i just needed to get this out once and for all.

((((((((to all my friends)))))))))

[Mich]

*hugs*....I'm worried about you. Please keep your promise and call a crisis line if harmful thoughts get too overwhelming. You need to keep yourself safe. You are a much valued member of our family here. It takes a lot of courage to share things about yourself and I am so glad you felt comfortable enough to do so here. I am sorry your husband is not understanding about your condition. I know how that feels as mine is also at the end of the rope since my depression seems to be never-ending. Many people here have suggested that I investigate going to a depression group to get additional support. Have you ever thought of doing that? It's so hard to cope with this alone. Please know that you are in my thoughts today and thank you for sharing a piece of yourself with us here.

[xn728]

misty my dear freind and new sister ,im sorry to hear that youve had to drink to give you some comfort ,i to know of this comfort ,not me ,but someone close ,you know the damage it will do you if you persist ,your
dependsy will become worse ,and your health will suffer ,im not gonna
say much more ,what do i know ,how can i tell you not to drink ,what powers do i posses ,none what differance does your problem make to me ,why dont i just shut the laptop and walk away ? WHY because something in this horrible world has given me the gift of kind soothing words that for some reason seems to endear people to me ,the down side to this ,oh yes it has a down side for me anyway ,,i cant turn it off ,all the pain haunts me ,follows me around through out my daily life ,i care so much for you misty ,i cant help you sort out your money problems or
your husband ,but i can ask you to try and give the drink the push ,or get some help ,it will kill you if it were to worsen ,do you want me to beg ,if thats what it takes then ask it of me ,,we need you misty ,your family and
freinds need you ,you think im strong ,because i write nice things ,ok so
in a way i am ,but your words to me also keep me going ,and i dont ever want to hear your silence misty ,i told you i will stand at your side always
and i mean it ,,close your eyes and look with your mind see me with you now ,,i need you to be strong misty ,you along with everybody else are my strength ,without you i would be nothing ,i cannot stand alone misty
come here ,stand with me ,thats better ,,look .look all back down that road look how far you have come ,,walk on misty ,ill walk with you ,and if you should see only one set of footprints in the dust ,they will be mine
as i carry you ,,,,,stay safe misty ,,there is something better for you in the coming year im sure ,,,,hugs ken xxx ps i cant post about the drinking
that has effected my life ,im not ready yet ,but i could tell you a little ,but not here ,,ken

[dandelion]

((((((((((((((((( Misty )))))))))))))))))))))

Still need you as a friend and also as someone who is so important in my life. Please call a crisis line if you need to and please remember that i am never let go of your hand and will always squeeze your hand to give you the strength and the support that you need. You are a good friend and you know how important you are to me. I will be thinking of you

Hugs
dandelion

[xn728]

goodnight misty my sister ,sleep well tonight ,we did not choose this road
we walk ,and the creatures in the darkness may taunt you ,but i can see
you here ,and you walk it strong ,and show no fear ,,,,hugs kenxxx

[xn728]

hi misty just wanted to say hi ,and hope your ok ,,in my thought always
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[Misty]

I want to thank everyone that has been here for me and that has given me hope and truly know how depression can wreck a life almost completely. What i can't overcome or stop now is the current self-medication with alcohlol. As most will think and say...it is an excuse, and most cases it is and maybe at this point it is true with me. It mostly started when i lost my job and insurance. All i wanted was some valium or xanax to get me through the anxiety but i no longer had the money to see another doctor and my neurologist will not approve it for me. So i did the dumbest thing to cope and knowing full well what could happen. Now i am just so afraid of where it will lead. The addiction is kicking in, i can feel it and that is even worse for my depression and the guilt of not being strong enough to fight it right now. Just a vicious cycle and if it weren't for this place i don't know where i'd be today. My friends, you have been here for me and keep me going. I refuse to lose and i know that, in time, everything will fall into place. It's kinda funny because i was always a fighther when i was younger. I am 5' 1" and had to fight that much harder to defend myself way back when. The mental fights are the toughest to beat. There is much to be grateful for in my life compared to others and i remind myself of this always. I wanted to write this to you all because i want to be honest and it's not easy to say what i mean so i do it when i can. Hopefully i will get approval soon for disabily pay for my health issues. Keeping my fingers crossed.


((((((((((((To all)))))))))))))
Misty

[shatteredhopes]

I too started out self-medicating with alcohol and am a full blown alcoholic, the difference today is that I am a sober one in recovery. Working the 12 steps and the fellowship I found helped me enormously, with my attitude, self-esteem, and even depression to an extent. I am at a lower bottom now than ever was in my drinking, but choose not to drink today, because as long as I stay sober there's realistic hope I can turn things around.

I know what is to financially struggle, while dealing with physical pain and emotional distress...but you don't have to drink over it...there's help...hit a meeting! Trust me! Its hard but so worth it to get sober.

I hope your disability comes through. This economy is terrible, and so many suffering...if you are in the USA, I am sure you have looked into community mental health, but sometimes state (free) hospitals have rehab, and can help you get medications you may need and follow-up care.

Even though my life is terrible and I suffer SI, PTSD, depression, and anxiety and sometimes I just want to dull the pain...I am glad I am sober today...its worth it.

Sorry to post so much about myself onyour thread, just trying to let you know someone here is in similar situation, but is getting through without drinking...so you can too! I believe it! Hit a meeting, you can find a number in your phone book or even google on line meetings til you get your courage up...its worth it in the long run...please believe that.

I too have gone through the thinking that things may be happening for a reason then not understanding why, and losing hope things will turn around. The difference today is I can work on myself and my attitude, and on my good days, take concrete action, a gift of sobriety...

Wishing you light and peace and hope in your day...