Just wanted to say what happened this morning.

[All alone]

Hi, I have only just registered but wanted to make one more post other than my introduction before I have to get going.

I don't know whether people can read into what you say and then tell you what you are, but I have never ever seen a professional about myself so don't really know what I am, maybe if I just give a snippet of what happened this morning people can feedback?

(I'ts completely random but I just have to get it out somewhere as it's just the latest occurence of something happening and then me having to keep it to myself and it driving me crazy).

I will post it in a bit when I can get back on, as long as I can stay calm for the next hour and a half I should be ok.

(EDIT: I have been browsing the forum and have read some other stories by other people and they seem so bad and make mine seem so insignificant and ridiculous. I would normally say that I wouldn't want people to judge me, but I think in a sort of round about way I do. Whether people read what I put and do judge me, I just really want to talk to someone as I don't have anybody to share anything with . If it all sounds ridiculous and I am wasting anybody's time, please say and tell me the truth).

[All alone]

Everyday life. How was your day? - That's what caught my eye and made me think I would post here first - but please tell me if what I say is totally ridiculous

I was on the bus this morning on my way to college and most people get on this same bus everyday so you recognise faces. I have this weird thing of when I see somebody whoever they are, of wandering what there name is and what there like etc - It could be absolutely anybody - I think it stems from the fact that I have no friends etc (that's not me being typically melodramatic - it's just fact). Anyway I think I just wander about their lives and what they get up to as also I have no life and no interest in it so am more interested in other people - some would just call it being nosey.

I've thought about people who I see everyday on the bus and just thought about maybe striking up a conversation about something like the weather or even college as several go to my college, just to be sociable and have some interaction.

I know it sounds weird and I don't do it all the time or obsessively or anything, it's just to pass the time on the same monotonous commute in the morning.

So this morning a bus inspector got on and was inspecting the tickets and there was 2 school kids sitting in front of me who the driver hadn't given a ticket too for some reason - possibly something wrong with his machinne or something. The inspector got to them and they explained they hadn't got a ticket from the driver (totally the drivers responsibility for whatever reason), the inspector then started quizzing themn why they hadn't got a ticket and they seemed to be a bit distressed - I remember when I was a lot younger that if somebody in authority asks you something you just comply and don't have the knowledge to think you should question it.

He really started hassling them and asked them what school they went to etc which they told him, I was getting annoyed at this point because I was thinking "it's not your fault you haven't got a ticket - you shouldn't have to tell him anything!" but obviously been young they just thought they had to answer his questions, although I thought he was speaking to them like they were criminals or something

He then asked them their names which I don't think he had any right to do and again they complied but then got off at their stop before he had chance to hassle them further.

It was at this point that the usual feelings of self hatred and loathing started to consume me, one minute I'm sitting there minding my own business blending in like a normal person then I realised that my selfish little ways of wanting something (in this case just wondering what peoples names were) had actually happened through no fault of my own, and the realisation that I knew somebody's name on the bus through a random event after I had been nosey and spent months wondering (not these people in particular I must stress). I had got what I wanted and when this happens I immediately hate myself for getting what I want and being selfish when I don't deserve anything in life.

Any way when I heard their name the panic attack started (which has been happening more regularly recently with various things) and I just broke down in the middle of the bus. The more it has happened I have become nore adept at hiding it although I started crying and had to hold my hand across my eyes to hide it, Iif I had been on my own I would have just had a complete breakdown (which has happened before), I think it was worse that being a school kid I just felt a hell of a lot worse for being selfish although I would have felt bad if it had happened to anybody on the bus even one of the pensioners that regualarly gets on.

I think the points I am trying to make are that when I get something or have something I immediatley get confused with hatred for my self and this manifests into a panic attack. Also the fact that it was a completley random thing and it always is random and trivial things that just completely get to me - major things that normal people worry about don't seem to evoke any emotion in me at all Like major disasters or relatives dying - nothing

Sorry for the crazily long post and the fact that I have only just joined to day and can people just please be honest and say what they think?

Thats the only way I will get any help or even be able to deal with it, just by having someone to talk to.

Apologies and thanks in advance.

[xn728]

ok im not gonna judge you here , ,,but i can tell u that everything you have said ,sounds like your suffering some sort of
nervous depression and or panic and anxiety disorder ,BUT LISTEN MY FREIND ,we are not doctors we are the same as you ,suffering this strange illness witch is like a camelion ,it changes its form to suit its needs
my wife has panic and anxiety disorder and this feels very much like what your explaining ,,you dont mention the doctors or any medication ,,if this is the case then you need to speak with someone in the medical profesion
they will help you sort this thing out ,do some research on the web ,,their
is a lot about panic and deppression on there ,,i know what your saying about those poor kids ,,you want to get up and say something but you feel weak and low in self essteem ,so you remain quiet ,,when really you want to charge up there and say hey hang on a minute its thst drivers fault ,,,,etc,,, dont worry they would have been fine once they got off the bus ,,depression is a very cunning creature it plays these tricks to bring you down,,take care read things on here carefully it may help ,,as you say you have seen people a lot worse off than you on here ,,it does not matter we try to support everyone here ,,im ill now but im talking to you we care and
share ,,so think about what ive said ,,and you know what i will judge you
YOUR NOT WEIRD,YOU JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHATS HAPPENING TO YOU ,,hope you find what your looking for ,,,take care hugs,,uk also

[All alone]

Thank you very much xn728 for replying and your kind words

I can't reply properly now as bedtime, but just wanted to say thank you and it means a lot that somebody read what happened to me.

[Misty]

All Alone,
First of all "Welcome" and you seem like a normal person to me. Many think there is something wrong with you if you think differently than they do. But whatever has brought you here you will find that there is so much we all have in common. There is never pressure here and you may be suprised as to how many feel as you do. This is a place to let your mind express itself and in return you are also giving to others.

Take Care,
Misty

[Mich]

Welcome All Alone - I am glad you found this forum. You will find there are many here suffering from depression and anxiety and hopefully you will find comfort amongst us. I cannot offer you any wisdom other than to say that I also find myself wondering about people when I am out somewhere and often wish I would have the nerve to strike up a conversation. I don't think you are odd at all and believe that your reaction to finding out their names was some sort of panic attack. But as Ken says, you really should confide in a doctor to get a firm diagnosis...I am definitely no doctor! Please know that if you keep posting, I will keep reading.

[All alone]

All Alone,
First of all "Welcome" and you seem like a normal person to me. Many think there is something wrong with you if you think differently than they do. But whatever has brought you here you will find that there is so much we all have in common. There is never pressure here and you may be suprised as to how many feel as you do. This is a place to let your mind express itself and in return you are also giving to others.

Take Care,
Misty

Welcome All Alone - I am glad you found this forum. You will find there are many here suffering from depression and anxiety and hopefully you will find comfort amongst us. I cannot offer you any wisdom other than to say that I also find myself wondering about people when I am out somewhere and often wish I would have the nerve to strike up a conversation. I don't think you are odd at all and believe that your reaction to finding out their names was some sort of panic attack. But as Ken says, you really should confide in a doctor to get a firm diagnosis...I am definitely no doctor! Please know that if you keep posting, I will keep reading.

Thanks both

What I put here might not sound that bad and just simple anxiety or whatever, but there are loads more occurences of erratic behaviour that I could explain about but they are way too "out there" to do anything other than get embarrassed about

It just makes a difference being able to say stuff as having no one close, I have no-one to talk to (hence the username) and even if I did I am convinced that there is nobody as messed up as me and no-one would ever understand. So that's where the suicidal thoughts (they never get too bad) and other symptoms creep in.

But I am 31 now so I have had about 15 years of pretending that I am ok to the outside world whilst living an internal hell by myself at least I have got good at it, but now I have just reached a point where I'm not sure how much more I can take.

As for talking about it to a professional - I'm not sure I can as I just couldn't cope with it all and explaining how I feel to somebody - It's easy on a computer but I don't think I could do it, then get labelled and face the inevitable consequences.

So that's why I am in a permanent state of limbo, I am very ill - I know that and I've done the self diagnosing thing and what I think I may be - people would just not look at me the same.

I desperately need help but I am unable to do anything about it