Painful Psychiatrist Appt

[Mich]

I had a very painful appt this morning. I had written down something for him to read and it caused me much shame and humiliation. I am using my tried and true coping mechanism of starvation to get through this....existing only on coffee and diet pepsi. I just seem to cycle through the various forms of self harm. I really cannot stand the vivid thoughts I am having and I still have a hate relationship with the child who was abused. I told my psych today that I don't know where that little girl leaves off and I begin which is a very freaky feeling. I have no compassion for her whatsoever and want to see her destroyed even if it means destroying myself in the process. I cannot see that ever changing.

[xn728]

Dear mich ,i dont know what to say ,for fear of over stepping the mark
and damageing a dear freind ship ,i just need to ask ,why you cannot
forgive that innocent little girl ,yes innocent ,why do remain blind to the fact that you can forgive this poor girl ,theres no getting away from it mich ,she is yourself trapped in time by your mind ,you have the key ,to
unlock that part of your universe ,and let her finish her journey ,the woman you are now ,and the child you are ,in her time will never see an
end to this pain ,if you continue to punish her ,do you have that acheing
feeling in your tummy ,do you think of her pain in the night ,can you feel her pushing the walls of your soul ,trying to find a way out of the prison
in your mind you have created for her ,yes you do ,as i did once ,i cant say any more ,i reach out to you so much ,and my heart is filled with
concern for you always ,you seem to suffer endlessly as i do ,never any rest from the torment ,but i can forgive and did ,and i do feel better and
that child inside keeps me warm ,and gives me a reason to walk on ,the
very same child i banished from my soul a long time ago came home and
took its place within my soul ,and if i have said to much here mich then
you banish me ,cast me out for speaking out of turn ,but i wont be hurt
because now you have room in your heart for the little girl ,and she has
need of that space than i do ,,,,,,,,im sorry mich ,,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[lisalou]

never hate yourself for being abused, you could not possibly have done anything to deserve that, you deserve only to move on and to be loved and to recover.

[shatteredhopes]

Mich, the holidays are over...if you are starving yourself maybe its time to go in the hospital a bit...if not for yourself for your children and all of us who would be devestated if you suffered heart or vital organ failure or any of the other potentially life-ending consequences of anorexia.

I think you know in your head you are a decent loving human being, but feelings of self-loathing are overwhelming that...i know with my ex for instance or when i was abused i felt like garbage because i was treated that way. As strong and overwelming as our feelings are, we have to try to overcome them with our sanest, most rational thoughts.

For instance you know when you starve yourself or purge your body will go into starvation mode and hold on to every little morsel of fat and when you do eat it will be so little you won't eliminate properly because your body will try to hold on to the food and nutrients and fat it can get, then if eat irregularly...it can cause gain or bloating...look at the children in africa with swollen stomachs not just from parasites....

Can you drink water at least to keep yourself hydrated and just fast for a day or two and then force yourself to eat...can you eat something healthy and drink some water and repeat affirmations to yourself "i am cleansing myself of..." i dunno what to suggest or say, just really really worried about you. This therapy you are doing is sooooo intense i do hope you can get in a group to deal just with everyday life and socialize a bit with others who are depressed and support each other to balance it out a bit.

Maybe go in the hospital if you can't eat? Worried about you (((((((Mich))))))) and care...

[Mich]

Ken - I know you are right. You have not overstepped any boundary. You are just telling me what I need to hear. I know I must accept that child and care for her but at the present time I just cannot because I am so angry at her for not fighting back.
Lisa - you always have wise words. I know I should heed them.
Shatteredhopes - I feel like I am marching towards a hospital visit and if I disappear for awhile that is likely what has happened. I feel unable to control my destructive urges. I played with my Ativan today and tonight and I fear tomorrow I will start in with the Lithium which is much more dangerous. I will need to take myself in if I don't feel I can control myself.
Thanks all of you for your kindness and caring.

[lisalou]

Mich, please promise me you will hand that medication to a pharmacy or get your husband to hide it and give you one dose at a time if needed. Please keep yourself safe and use a crisis line or go to A and E if needed

[shatteredhopes]

Mich there is something in my 12 step recovery program we "play the tape all the way through" that is, i think about how much i want to drink, but i have to think through consequences if i do...what if after losing good judgement i get behind the wheel drunk and kill someone in an automobile accident? There are fates worse than death...

Play the tape all the way through Mich...what if you overdose and don't kill yourself but damage vital organs and live but live the rest of your life with pain and serious complications as a result...what if you convulse after overdosing and break your neck or back and become paralyzed for life...what if one of your kids ended up finding you, how traumatizing and scarey would that be for them? What if you succeeded and you marred your kids for life and they, as kids do, blame themselves and feel guilty and traumatized by mom's hurting herself?

Isn't the hospital a much milder option? I know right now you don't have self-love, but you can at least recognize the right thing to do as far as your kids are concerned...please do seek help if it becomes too much. WE CARE ABOUT YOU ((((((((((MICH)))))))))))!!!!!!!!! If you don't believe healing is possible for you, why should I believe that for me either? Why should anyone?

I have been struggling with the si too, but I am doing little things to occupy my time to get by and cope and comfort myself as best I can and trying not to worry about the big picture....that I have no goals, no hope, so much loss and trauma over last 5 years and suffering throughout my life and don't think its gunna get better but get worse, etc. Maybe I don't need to worry about all that right now, I just need a cup of iced coffee with half & half to enjoy and just be for now...join me, just be. Do whatever you can to comfort yourself and cope without self-harm...when you can't you have a good hospital you can go to.

Meanwhile, planning to go to group will be a good goal...I'm confident you will end up making a good friend or two through group...you've been such a good friend to all of us and so supportive...wouldn't it be nice to have someone you could call and just talk to who understands or go for a cup of coffee with and just sit without too much pressure to talk? I wish you and I lived closer, because I could use that too!

Play the tape all the way through Mich...wishing you light and peace in your day...

[xn728]

hi mich just dropped in to say hi ,i hope your ok ,i know your not good but i still wish for you to have better days ,my dear freind never feel alone
always with you ,,,,hugs ken xxx