So out of touch

[jonathan]

I feel so out of touch with reality right now. I am hurting so bad, and I feel so sick and nauseous that everything feels surreal. I didn't sleep at all last night. And it's Christmas Eve, and I should be happier. But I can't be. I want to crawl inside a hole and stay there for as long as possible. I want to scream, and cry, but I can't bring myself to do so. I really have no idea what to do, and this all feels so surreal. I have to go eat dinner and do presents with my entire family tomorrow, and I don't want to go. I'll have on an image that I'm okay, that I'm happy, that I'm enjoying myself. It's all such a lie. There's this image that everyone sees me as this successful college student who's about to graduate and do great things. I'm so sick of it. I hate what I have to do, I feel like I have a double life. I have no direction. Nothing makes any sense. I feel like I just go through each day in a daze, while the world's out there passing me by. And the worst part is, while I want to go out and experience the world, it scares the hell out of me. This is so hard.

I don't feel like if I weren't here, anyone would miss me. I am not going to hurt myself, but that's just how I feel. I want to feel wanted and loved so badly that I think if I ever had it I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

I have determined that a significant amount of my depression the last few weeks is tied to my keeping in touch with the guy I have such strong feelings for. I don't know why I keep talking to him. I don't know why he wants to keep in touch. I told him before that I cared about him, but he said that while he didn't return those feelings, he said I was his "best" online friend. So I told myself at least I can be there for him when he needs to talk or vent. Yet he doesn't talk unless I force him into it. And I've approached him about it and he just says I worry too much. There was a time when he was the one who wanted to talk and I was the one who wouldn't open up, and I miss when he would at least pay some attention to me. I feel used, that he is now bored with me so he's moved on to the next guy to "chat" with. Online friend or no, I would just like to have a conversation with him so I know he trusts me.

I feel like such an idiot. But this is truly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My counselor said I'm grieving. And that with relationships, there is a balance, and there are expectations each person has for the relationship. She said mine with him is unbalanced, because I'm expecting too much. And in the meantime, I'm getting hurt. And I am, a lot. She said I need to do what's best for me, and I know that is to cut ties with him. But I don't know how to do that. And I feel like writing a letter/email would just make me look like an idiot. I hate feeling like an idiot, and he makes me feel like one. Why is it you like the things you can't have so much? And why is it so easy to know what you need to do but so hard to do it?

[xn728]

im sorry you feel this way just now ive had all these feelings most of my life ,and you say how can you go on but somehow we do ,and you must go on turn your back on the demon we call depression and show it you are strong ,you are not alone here jonathan your part of the forum and this is a large family ,everyone here cares about you and yes we do love you also ,we share and we care ,this is the first xmas in a long time ive felt strong ,and you know if you like i will take some of your pain on my
shoulders and carry it while you rest ,,,im sincere in what i say ,and im
sure everyone here shares my words i choose to send to you ,
jonathan i cant offer you much more really ,be strong and safe my dear
freind ,,,reach out and i will catch your fall ,,,,best wishes ,,,,,xn728,,ken

[jonathan]

Thank you for the kind words, Ken. I really do appreciate it. I need them now more than ever, these last few months have been the hardest I've ever been through.

I can't help but feel I make things too personal than they should be. My counselor says whereas some people are able to just accept rejection as "Ehh, it just won't work out" and move on, I take it personally. I wish I didn't. I worry and stress and scare myself into thinking I'm a terrible person. Or I'm just not good enough, or I haven't said the right things. I wish I could have just accepted it and moved on, I've invested so much time and emotion on something I'm never going to get a return on.

I have no one to reach to or share how I'm feeling right now, the school counseling center is obviously closed for the holidays, but it's nice to be able to share it here. It really does mean a lot, words can't express how much it does. But I'm sure you all understand too.

And I am glad that you feel strong, it makes me feel a little stronger too.

I wish you and everyone else here a happy Christmas, and that somehow we can find the spirit of happiness that's supposed to come with the season.

[xn728]

BLESS YOU THIS MORNING MY DEAR FREIND ,WILL SPEAK AGAIN SOON
HUGS ,,,,,KEN ,,XN728 STAY STRONG GLAD MY WORDS LIFTED YOU