Rock Bottom
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Most people are quiet today and it's worrisome. I hope everyone is okay and maybe just busy on their weekends.
I have been crawling along today. My husband and kids put the Christmas tree up. I tried to participate but my heart wasn't in it. I hate to be such a kill-joy at Christmas but it's just such a hard time for me.
Everyone is out once again and I am grateful for the solitude this time. I feel guilty lying in bed when everyone is here and it's hard to keep putting on an act of "okayness". I am not okay. I am very far from okay. This feeling is just devastating, crushing, overwhelming. I am sipping a coffee for comfort. I have no desire to eat today and have consumed far too much caffeine. I don't want to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just want to stop walking now.
I have been crawling along today. My husband and kids put the Christmas tree up. I tried to participate but my heart wasn't in it. I hate to be such a kill-joy at Christmas but it's just such a hard time for me.
Everyone is out once again and I am grateful for the solitude this time. I feel guilty lying in bed when everyone is here and it's hard to keep putting on an act of "okayness". I am not okay. I am very far from okay. This feeling is just devastating, crushing, overwhelming. I am sipping a coffee for comfort. I have no desire to eat today and have consumed far too much caffeine. I don't want to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just want to stop walking now.
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crybaby1086
- Posts: 168
- Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:40 pm
- Location: Newfoundland
((((Mich)))) I was glad for your message. I've been quiet because of this situation I'm going though (biting my nails like crazy) and am kind of stressed out. I know it is stupid to be like this, but I can't help it.
It is good that you got out for a walk. But maybe you could switch to water or somthing to drink. Too much caffine may cause you to be more anxious then neccessary.
Oh my, I'm going back to my corner to continue biting my nails and worring a hole in my belly
It is good that you got out for a walk. But maybe you could switch to water or somthing to drink. Too much caffine may cause you to be more anxious then neccessary.
Oh my, I'm going back to my corner to continue biting my nails and worring a hole in my belly
It's early Monday morning. I slept soundly but have awakened to the same gnawing despair, the same terrible sadness and sense of doom. What can I do for myself today to make things better? The prospect of Christmas shopping is daunting but is something that I must get to urgently. Hopefully the weather will be nice today and I can get out for a walk with the dog. I think that is good for both of us. I fear that my sadness will increase as Christmas approaches. I'm not sure if I can take any more sadness.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
I don't know if this will help, but here goes.....
When I think about " The Future ", I start to feel anxious and overwhelmed. So, I'm trying to take things moment by moment, just trying to get what I can from each moment. Remind yourself how well you're doing, you ARE getting through this season day by day, without harming yourself, and you are still coping emotionally, despite all your very real and powerful negative feelings.
Something that helps me sometimes, is to rewatch some film or TV episode that I've watched many times before. For example, this morning I woke up feeling depressed and anxious, so I watched the original Star Trek episode " Mirror, Mirror. I've watched this episode so many times in my life it's like it connects me to my own past, and in so doing reassures me that I have a future. I was sat on my bed, waiting for the " good bits " that I remembered from so many earlier viewings, and when the episode was over I felt steadier and a bit more cheerful.Do you have a favourite movie, TV episode, song from your childhood, that might give you even a moment's good memory? ( For example, every time I watch the original Star Trek episode " The Doomsday Machine, it reminds me of the time when my Father and I watched it together when he got home from work. And, also of the time when I sneaked away from a hotel dining room before the end of the evening meal, so I could watch a rerun of this episode in our family's hotel room. )
I wish I could give you better counsel. All, I can really say is that I've found it worth hanging on, if even only for the small things. Please hang on, you would leave a larger hole in the world than you know.
Good luck!
When I think about " The Future ", I start to feel anxious and overwhelmed. So, I'm trying to take things moment by moment, just trying to get what I can from each moment. Remind yourself how well you're doing, you ARE getting through this season day by day, without harming yourself, and you are still coping emotionally, despite all your very real and powerful negative feelings.
Something that helps me sometimes, is to rewatch some film or TV episode that I've watched many times before. For example, this morning I woke up feeling depressed and anxious, so I watched the original Star Trek episode " Mirror, Mirror. I've watched this episode so many times in my life it's like it connects me to my own past, and in so doing reassures me that I have a future. I was sat on my bed, waiting for the " good bits " that I remembered from so many earlier viewings, and when the episode was over I felt steadier and a bit more cheerful.Do you have a favourite movie, TV episode, song from your childhood, that might give you even a moment's good memory? ( For example, every time I watch the original Star Trek episode " The Doomsday Machine, it reminds me of the time when my Father and I watched it together when he got home from work. And, also of the time when I sneaked away from a hotel dining room before the end of the evening meal, so I could watch a rerun of this episode in our family's hotel room. )
I wish I could give you better counsel. All, I can really say is that I've found it worth hanging on, if even only for the small things. Please hang on, you would leave a larger hole in the world than you know.
Good luck!
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
((((((((Mich)))))))) please please please check into going to group. You will meet people who support you and you can support just like we do on here, only face to face. You may find a woman you really like who you can go for coffee with and email or phone when you are feeling this way. Socializing is hard, but people in group will understand because they too have problems. I do think if you could manage to volunteer just an hour or two a week or every other week it would help your self-esteem so much. And it would help you learn to socialize in nonthreathening way because you will be helping people. I know its so hard to take the huge steps we need to help ourselves, but it could be so worth it Mich.
I worry about you cutting. What if you get a serious infection? Have you had a tetnus shot? What if you cut too deep and injure muscle? I know you are hurting friend, me too. But we have to try to be strong and help ourselves, if not for yourself, for your family and friends here, and me for my mom and my on line family here.
I still think Lisalou's idea of getting a waxing kit is brilliant. HURTS BAD, but legs will be oh so soft! Have you tried holding ice to your skin? I thought it was beautiful thought someone had to draw butterflies on places where you might cut...goal not to kill the butterfly. Thinking of you my sister...
I worry about you cutting. What if you get a serious infection? Have you had a tetnus shot? What if you cut too deep and injure muscle? I know you are hurting friend, me too. But we have to try to be strong and help ourselves, if not for yourself, for your family and friends here, and me for my mom and my on line family here.
I still think Lisalou's idea of getting a waxing kit is brilliant. HURTS BAD, but legs will be oh so soft! Have you tried holding ice to your skin? I thought it was beautiful thought someone had to draw butterflies on places where you might cut...goal not to kill the butterfly. Thinking of you my sister...
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TackingIntoTheWind
- Posts: 1060
- Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
- Location: South Wales
I agree with ShatteredHopes. I know how it's possible to feel lost and swept away by feelings of loneliness, and emptiness and desperation. I also know how difficult it is to find the resolve to connect to, and interact with the outside world. I don't underestimate the difficulties you will face in so doing. But, I too, think that some form of volunteering, or involvement with a support group of some kind, with people who can, at least to some degree, understand how people like us feel, might well be of help to you.
As to your self-harming I don't really know what to say, Obviously, I would prefer for you not to be harmed either by yourself or anyone else. So I have to admit that I would ask and advise you not to do it. However, I'm not feeling what you're feeling, so I'm not judging you. However, may I please, please, please ask you, if you do self-harm, to take every precaution against infection.
You ARE a worthwhile person you've helped me, you've helped others, and I have no doubt that you will do both again! If you absolutely cannot avoid self-harm, please do what you can to minimise the harm that you do to yourself, and take all precautions to avoid infection.
Please take care of yourself!
As to your self-harming I don't really know what to say, Obviously, I would prefer for you not to be harmed either by yourself or anyone else. So I have to admit that I would ask and advise you not to do it. However, I'm not feeling what you're feeling, so I'm not judging you. However, may I please, please, please ask you, if you do self-harm, to take every precaution against infection.
You ARE a worthwhile person you've helped me, you've helped others, and I have no doubt that you will do both again! If you absolutely cannot avoid self-harm, please do what you can to minimise the harm that you do to yourself, and take all precautions to avoid infection.
Please take care of yourself!
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
Possible Trigger-Self Harm
Mich,
I haven't been doing very well myself, so haven't been posting lately. I read this whole thread this morning and feel so badly for you.
Unfortunately I have also gone the self-harm way. I have promised people that I wouldn't but just can't stop. I got the same reaction of shock when I told, even professionals, of what I was doing. All except for one psychiatrist who just wanted me to keep it clean. I think that he had researched self-harm quite a bit and didn't fall over the edge when I told him. We just carried on with our conversation.
I know of that all-consuming urge to self-harm. I attribute it to my very, very low self-esteem. Actually my pdoc put on my form when applying for CPP disability, that I loathed myself.
I have gotten better though, that absolute need to just feel something has been dampened by those who love and care for me. Even the people in this forum have added to my self-esteem immeasurably.
I admire you for keeping postings each day, even though I am sure that it must take a lot of energy to do so. Keep it up. I can tell you from experience that it makes so much of a difference to share, than to keep it all inside. Then it can become overwhelming if you think you are fighting the battle by yourself.
Sorry that I have droned on and on but just wanted to let you know that you are a special person to so many of the people that follow this forum regularly.
You are a very brave woman. Keep up those postings.
I haven't been doing very well myself, so haven't been posting lately. I read this whole thread this morning and feel so badly for you.
Unfortunately I have also gone the self-harm way. I have promised people that I wouldn't but just can't stop. I got the same reaction of shock when I told, even professionals, of what I was doing. All except for one psychiatrist who just wanted me to keep it clean. I think that he had researched self-harm quite a bit and didn't fall over the edge when I told him. We just carried on with our conversation.
I know of that all-consuming urge to self-harm. I attribute it to my very, very low self-esteem. Actually my pdoc put on my form when applying for CPP disability, that I loathed myself.
I have gotten better though, that absolute need to just feel something has been dampened by those who love and care for me. Even the people in this forum have added to my self-esteem immeasurably.
I admire you for keeping postings each day, even though I am sure that it must take a lot of energy to do so. Keep it up. I can tell you from experience that it makes so much of a difference to share, than to keep it all inside. Then it can become overwhelming if you think you are fighting the battle by yourself.
Sorry that I have droned on and on but just wanted to let you know that you are a special person to so many of the people that follow this forum regularly.
You are a very brave woman. Keep up those postings.
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