lonely

[jonathan]

Sorry about the huge gap between my last post, hope some of you still remember me! lol

I have been doing all right for the last few weeks or so but now everything's collapsing again, and I really do enjoy you guys' feedback. The last week has been extremely tough, especially the last few nights. It always gets worst at night, though sometimes during the day I feel like exploding.

I am so lonely at the moment that I physically hurt. It really feels like I'm in pain. But the weird thing is, in some weird way I enjoy it...I don't understand it, but I don't understand myself. I just feel so separated from the world and reality right now, and I feel like I'm losing it, that perhaps I enjoy hurting because it makes me feel human. Or maybe it's cause I've become so familiar with it that it's become the norm for me, and I'm scared to change it? I don't know. I just want to scream or cry so badly right now.

Though I can't cry, I rarely ever do, but I feel like if I did I'd feel so much better. There are times during the day where I want to just break down and cry, I really feel like I could, but for some reason it just won't come. I watch a movie and I get emotional. I don't cry, but I want to so badly. I am so sad and emotional all the time now, and I'm so sick of it. I have lost all motivation to do much of anything except sit in my room, though I've somehow forced myself to keep up with school work.

I do not sleep like I used to. It's sometimes really hard to fall asleep, but when I do, I don't want to wake up. I sleep too much. I enjoy sleeping because, while I do, I'm not anxious or worried or hurting. Though as weird as it sounds, it feels like I haven't really slept in forever. I also do not eat as much anymore. I'm worried and anxious so much that I just don't have an appetite anymore. I usually eat a meal in the evening, but I don't eat breakfast and for lunch it might just be a snack or something small to last to supper.

But I have no close friends outside a few I know from online. My good friends I had from school graduated and have since moved away, and I can't bring myself to just call any of them. I want to make friends, but I've somehow lost the capacity to do so, or forgotten how. I get to so tongue-tied talking to new people I meet. And it scares me talking to them. For example, even if I do get to know someone, I literally scare myself into believing they don't actually like me, that they find me annoying and are just being friends with me to be nice. I never think anyone likes me.

I freak myself out over it, and I know it's not good or even reality, but I still do it. I look and read into everything someone does, like if someone doesn't talk to me one day, it's because they actually don't like me. I feel so separated from the other students I see everyday, like they're far away and I'm looking in on them making friends and having the typical college life, while I'm over here, alone, miserable and lonely. I want to try and fix it, but I can't. Like I said, I'm scared to.

I do not know how I've gotten to this point of being so afraid of everything, but I've gotten here and I don't know how to get out. Or if I even want to, even thinking about fixing it scares me.

I worry over everything, and I stress over everything, and that combined with school stresses, the want (and at the same time fear) to find someone to date, fear over graduating, and family stuff is just so overwhelming at the moment (and to top it off, I really fell for someone who does not feel the same way, and it's been the worst thing I've ever had to deal with). I would do anything just for a hug or someone to hold me. Just some kind of physical contact from someone who I know really does care.

I did end up going to a school counselor. The only problem is, it's apparently used a lot by students, and there's a huge waiting list. I was told when I went, about two weeks ago, that it might be January before I get a meeting. I had what is called a "triage" session though, and it was great. It was only about thirty minutes, but I was able to talk to her about what was going on. I look forward to having a real session soon...I guess that is the only thing giving me some hope right now.

I hope that wasn't too long! But it's as close to how I've been feeling lately...

[dandelion]

(((((((((((((((((( Jonathan )))))))))))))))))))

I can understand your feeling, i think what you need to do is stop worrying. Try to make friends at school, fight that fear, that anxiousness that you have. Let people know you the way you are, and you might be surprised at how many people that actually like you. We are our own worst critics, i learn that in a hard way. Even now, i try to learn to accept myself the way i am now, i always think that i am not good enough for people and that nobody likes me for who i am. But i realised that there are people that like me and love me and even care for me for who i am. Dont be too hard on yourself.

Baby step Jonathan, do things little by little, first, smile to people, maybe have some small talk with people who sits beside you and maybe from there you will get your confidence to talk to people and make friends. Everybody needs someone to be by their side and so are you. i hope things are looking up for you. Have a good day and be well

hugs
dandelion

[Kyle]

I've always felt alone and sometimes unloved.
I spend most of my time at home. I have so many fears about meeting people I feel I can't even speak to other people. This will sound crazy, but I have asked my close friend at least twice if it seemed to her that I was losing touch with reality, she replied, "no".
But I still felt as though I was not ok, my mind never seems to stop; only when I'm sleeping ofcourse Also I feel the same way like everyone else is able to meet new people just fine; that maybe I'm just an observer. Or a ghost.
I also would want someone to hold or hug, in a way it would help me know I'm real. I feel your pain. I'm sorry I'm not to great at giving advice, but your time will come when you'll be so happy and feel fullfilled.
Thats what I hope for everyone as a human being.

[Mich]

Jonathan - I can tell from your posts that you are a very likeable person. Dandelion had some very wise words and I agree with her. It's hard to take that first step to make a friend, but if you do, I know you will find that people do like you. I wish for you the courage to be able to do this.
I have that same feeling inside like I need to have a really big cry but can't. It's like all my emotion is trapped inside and can't get out. Hopefully some day we will both be able to "let go".

[jonathan]

I appreciate all of your comments and kind words, Dandelion, Mich, and Kyle. It really does help. I need to take a step into fixing my problems, and I think if I took a baby step and found a "distraction" (i.e. a friend to hang out with), I might be able to deal easier. I just need to throw caution to the wind and see where it goes. Now, the problem is actually doing it...knowing what you need to do and actually doing it are two completely different things lol. I do hope I find the courage to take the first step.

On a side note, I went in for a short session and spoke to a counselor earlier. They are trying to help as many as possible, as there's such a long waiting list. But she said I need to think about myself, and what's good for me. Only I can figure that out, and do what's good. I need to keep remembering that, and I need to look at my stressors and work to eliminate them. So I'm working up the courage to do that. She also said I need to work on my social skills, which she said the doctor would work more detailed with me about. I can't wait to start seeing the doctor...

[dandelion]

((((((((((((((((( Jonathan ))))))))))))))))))))))

Im glad to know that you are doing your best to change the way you are feeling now, i am so proud of you . I hope for the best for you and please inform us about the progress and i hope your appointment with your doctor goes well.

love
dandelion

[Kyle]

I'm so glad your taking such a great leap and showing awesome determination, jonathan.
I even feel a lot better knowing your going to be succesfully taking care of these problems.
(((((((((((((Jonathan))))))))))))))))))))))
And as dandelion said: were all intersted to hear about your progress.
GOOD LUCK!

[shatteredhopes]

I know what it feels like to love someone who doesn't love you back. It is so incredibly painful...and depression gives one of those catch 22 things, where the very things that would help, like making friends, depression and anxiety prevent you from doing. Glad you working on getting counseling.

As far as people, maybe start small...make it a goal to smile at people you pass on the street and say hello...engage in idle conversation about the weather or pastries or candy or whatever at a coffee shop or grocer while waiting in line. Engage in friendly banter with sales clerks who are probably tired from working a long day...just get used to socializing a bit on a small scale. Don't be afraid to go places alone either, such as a lecture or art show. You might engage in conversation and meet people but at least improve your socializing skills a bit in small easy doses. Carry a book with you to a coffee shop and just sit, maybe chat with people next to you a bit. Small, baby steps...then you can move on to making friends.

I know the feeling of wanting a hug or to be held. I feel that loneliness a lot. If you can, soak in a hot tub, it gives the feel of an embrace. Snuggle under warm blankets wrapped tight around you. Make a cup of hot tea to warm you up. These little things help me and comfort me a bit...try also the chat room on this site. Internet friends are nice, but sometimes it does give a sense of detachment when you don't have the warmth of human presence...just find ways to be around people more and smile at them and engage in little idle conversation to break out of your shell. That's what I have done...I have a problem trusting people and deliberately keep people at arms length, but at the same time, get incredibly lonely at times. So I have to force myself to interact at all...

You express yourself well and I am sure after you get over a little shyness and fear of rejection with simple interactions, you will have more confidence to move on to inviting someone to go with you for coffee.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

EDIT TO ADD: Another thing is to consider joining a club, a theatre group, a political group, house of worship, or whatever interests you...sometimes socializing oriented around a specific activity is easier and a good way to make some friends.

[jonathan]

Thanks again guys, and shatteredhopes you summed it pretty well in your first paragraph, it is indeed incredibly painful. I felt lonely before I met this person, and now that I've met and become attached and realized I'm the only one attached, it's made it ten times worse. My counselor told me I had to do what is right and healthy for me, and I think that is to lose contact with this person. She said I had to show self-control and fix the problem. I am finding that so incredibly hard at the moment...

I also like everyone's suggestion to start small. I will try it and see what happens.

[shatteredhopes]

Letting go is one of the hardest things to do...my boyfriend of just over a year dumped me, didn't love me although I loved him even though he treated me poorly a lot. I have had a hard time staying away from his poetry, but have been lately and am doing better when I can manage the strength to stay away. As Ken said, sometimes we are drawn to the light that burns us...someone said to me everytime I want to go on the poetry site, ask myself how much I want to hurt...letting go is hard even when you know you will be better for it in the long run and the other person doesn't love you...plus when you are lonely, you are naturally drawn to someone you love to fill the void...I used to talk to him every night and was scheduled to spend a month with him, but he dumped me before I went there...

Hope you can manage to let go and find some small things to comfort yourself and distract yourself from this person...time does make it a little easier...but letting go is one of the hardest things to do.

There's a book called "How to fall out of Love" by a clinical pyschologist. First thing it suggests is practicing thought stopping...make a list of good thoughts that don't in anyway involve the person...when you think of the person, say stop, as many times as you need and replace it with thought from your list. Hard to do, but you get used to it with practice. You gradually start to think about the person less, and when not thinking of them, feel less pain.

Next, silent ridicule...pick a feature about the person and exagerate it or imagine them in ridiculous situation that makes you laugh at them, NOT WANT TO RESCUE THEM, but knocks them off their pedestal a little and recall that image every so often during the day to neutralize loving feelings. Like I imagine my ex in a tutu among other things! His belly hanging out over a frilly pink puff skirt....come up with several if you can or something that makes you roll your eyes at them...it sounds harsh, but is kinda necessary to detach.

Do positive things to make yourself feel good and reward yourself for letting go...enjoy good chocolate or whatever you like. I will get the name of the author if you want so you can get it on Amazon. It helps a bit. Hasn't been a magic cure, but it helps. Hard when nothing else to fill the void...

Wishing you success in letting go...

[blueisgreen]

Hi Jonathan,
I'm really glad you are reaching out here and getting support!
I also have social anxiety - not sure exactly when it started, but the
severity goes up and down. This does make it hard to interact at all at times.
Some things that have helped me get out and meet people are...
1. I love animals so I volunteered at a Therapeutic Riding Center in my area
one hour a week. I worked with mainly children with different disabilities.
Mostly I just walked along side the horse and made sure the kids didn't fall. It was very rewarding and not very demanding.
2. I volunteer at a no-kill animal shelter in my area. I have done this on and off for about 6 years. Since it is a no-kill, it is not depressing to be there, as all animals will eventually be placed in homes. I walk dogs, play with kittens, etc. There are always other volunteers around, and it's easy to smile at like minded animal lovers, and even occasionally have light conversation.
3. I volunteer occasionally at a senior home near my house. Sometimes I bring my dog. It takes a lot out of me and sometimes is sad, so I don't do it often, but when I do there are
plenty of people who appreciate my smile and light conversation, and even altzeimers patients who don't remember what I say anyway!

Sometimes I don't leave my house for days, but when I need to go get food or whatever, I always make sure
to give appreciation to the cashiers. They are happy for a smile and a thank you. It's good practice for me, plus it spreads good energy.
I hope maybe my experience can lead you to think of an activity that might provide you with some help and relief and access to other people.
Create a great day Jonathan. Be well.

[jonathan]

"Sometimes we are drawn to the light that burns us."

That quote is so fitting...I think sometimes that the reason I got so attached was because I knew it would never work out, if that makes sense...I got attached and I knew it wouldn't go somewhere, and it was a "safe" zone. I do have a fear of meeting people and becoming close to people, and I think I invested so much time, emotion, and effort - I feel so overwhelmed yet at the same time drained - into something that couldn't happen because of that. I am scared of being close, and I knew it wouldn't happen between us, so I built up an image of being together, and that's what I got so attached to - not anything real.

Though not to say my feelings aren't real, because they are; I've never felt connected with someone so strongly before. I just fell in love with the house when there wasn't even any blueprints for it, per se. And me being so lonely, like you said, I am drawn to someone to fill that empty space I have, and he's been it even though he hasn't reciprocated anything. It's just repeated disappointment and letdowns for me.

I've been doing something kind of silly. Whenever I'd get overwhelmed, I'd write an email or letter to him, but I'd never send it. It helped some usually. I may end up writing one and sending it when I build up the guts to.

And thanks for the book suggestion, I'll look into it.

and blueisgreen - the volunteering sounds nice. I need something to keep myself active, so I may look into something like that - I have a low course load at school, so most of my time is spent in my room on the computer. Or I could find a job, I do desperately need some money, I've just been too afraid of committing to something.

All of your suggestions are great, thanks guys so much.