In Trouble

[Mich]

I feel like I am in big trouble today and I only have 15 minutes to pull it together before a contractor arrives at my door - we are having out basement finished so kids can hang out there with their friends.
I am in trouble because my self harm urges are through the roof. All I can think about is the relief I would feel if I started cutting. I know this is a bad coping mechanism, I really do, but the healthy coping mechanisms don't feel as good. My chest is being squeezed and my heart is aching. It just never goes away. Even when I try to do little things to try to feel better, I never get any substantial relief. Today I put on my new sweater to see if dressing properly would help. It has not.
The intense sadness coupled with high urges is bringing me down today. I have my psych appt at 2pm and feel that will be helpful as I can express the sorrow that is rendering me immobile.
I will walk the dog. I will get a coffee from the drive through at my fave coffee place (there is no way I can sit in there today) and I will see if either of these things eases the pain at all.
The feeling is just too intense for me to cope with.

[shatteredhopes]

It is normal for someone like us that you would be feeling this way today given the stress of the beer & pizza outing tonight, plus needing to deal with the contractor...your stress is just adding gasoline to an existing fire. Remind yourself of that. For me anyway, acknowledging what it is and why I am feeling the way I am feeling helps a bit.

I am glad you posted and have a plan for doing some things productive to keep occupied. Please keep posting BEFORE you cut. Sometimes writing takes a little of urges away and when we "hear" ourselves talk or say "aloud" or to others, it diminishes its power. We are listening and are here for you.

I really like ((((Lisalou's)))) idea of waxing your legs or eyebrows. MAN IT HURTS LIKE A BLANKETY BLANK and may satisfy your urge for self harm while being constructive. Thought that was a brilliant suggestion.

Glad you have meeting with the doc today. Maybe there's some way he could give you a prescription for just 5 or so anxiety pills for when its over the top? I dunno...but with the stress of this evening, the contractor coming, your family not understanding...its no wonder you are feeling this way. So give yourself a break. Good for you that you plan to get your favorite coffee, and maybe pet or play with the dog in addition to walking your pet. Animals are great stress relievers.

Thinking of you and sending thoughts of STRENGTH your way...

[dandelion]

(((((((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))))

I sometimes go to the DU chatroom to chat and one day this chatter came and said that he wanted to do self-harm. This is a response that another chatter gave to him and i thinks its relevant if you want to stop doing it 'If you ever feel the need to cut, draw a butterfly in that spot because no one wants to cut a butterfly. Then at the end of the day, if you didn't cut, draw a new butterfly because that butterfly is free and happy. If you did cut, you have to redraw that butterfly because it died'

i hope it helps, feel better okay *hugs*

dandelion

[Hanging On]

Mich I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of the anxiety over stressful situations you are going through.

Something that I have done on numerous occasions. If you have a soothing tape or maybe even a noise radio (one with the sounds of the Ocean, rain, a running stream, white noise,etc) use that in a location where you can lie down and try to relax. I like noise of the ocean because the beach is my favorite place to be but just picture your favorite place and you being there.

I have had to do this so many times that I can almost feel the sand in my toes when I meditate.
The key is to get by yourself if possible to remove any distractions. Picture in your mind every fiber of your body relaxing one small bit at a time. I picture the sun on my face eyes closed and the surf is rolling in while the sea gulls caw.

This is my relaxation therapy. I usually end up doing it at least once if not two or three times a day in order to keep my anxiety level under control.
Hope this may help you find some relief. I will be thinking of you and wishing you good thoughts.