I"m Lost

[crybaby1086]

I feel so lost and alone. Like no one wants anything to do with me. My riding lesson was cancled. I am so disapointed. I was looking to spending some time with the horses and riding again. I can't entirely describe how I feel. Like my emotions are just being contained (barely). I feel so low. Actually thought about self harm. Something I have done on occasion when really upset, but never when I have been seemly calm. Its like the feelings are there but are just keep locked up and they are threating to break through at any time. I'm also having some involentary muscle twitches which is kind of anoying. I don't know if any of this makes sence. Don't think my thought process is very clear. Just soo tired all the time.

[xn728]

hey ,dont be to dissapointed ,there will be other riding days ,self harm is not an option ,i suppose i do this in a way ,taking myself away ,and pulling myself down ,we all feel alone even in a crowded space ,loneliness
is our companion ,but you will be better one day ,good days and bad ,you must be young ,please dont make the mistakes i made ,when i was young ,tearing my flesh and drawing things on my arms with sharps ,
i can tell you now ,it dont look good on this old body ,and i have to hide it all the time so my kids dont see ,anyway we are your freinds and your not alone ,if you look into the darkness with your mind ,you will see or feel us all around ,you will stand up soon and be strong ,you are a part of us all here and we care about you ,,,,,feel better soon ,,,,xn728,,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

I'm so sorry your riding got canceled. I know when you are already depressed and something you are looking forward to doesn't come through, its devastating. BUT there will be other days to be with the horses. I know that's not much comfort now, but try to hang in there.

Can you do something nice for yourself? Maybe buy a magazine on horses or drink some nice tea or take a bubble bath? Little things help me comfort myself, especially when I am thinking of self-harm. Try to have a little hope that there will be other riding lessons. Do what ever you can manage to do to comfort yourself and help yourself through without self-harm.

We are with you and care about you and you should be proud of yourself that at least you are pursuing riding lessons to give yourself something to hope for and help yourself. Just because it didn't work out this time, it will another! So hang on friend.

Wishing you a little light of brotherly love in your day...

[lisalou]

hello crybaby,really sorry your riding lesson got cancelled but there will be another time, you know i thought of you the other day, i was playing with toy horses with the kids at nursery,so there you go - you have a friend all the way over here in england and one day soon you will rise again and ride again

[crybaby1086]

Hey Ken, I'm not so young. Unless you consider 34 young. I started riding only six years ago when I bought my first horse. And when I'm up to it I ride competively.
S/hopes I spend a lot of time with my dog, the ponies, goats as well as all the other animals. They are the only ones who make me smile lately.
I feel a bit better this morning. But I'm afraid it's at night when I'm at my worst.

[xn728]

hey youve been quiet ,hope your feeling ok and if not feel better soon ,everyone on the forum misses you ,,,,,,best wishes ken

[crybaby1086]

Hey Ken, I'm doing just fine. And dare I say it out loud (I'm actually feeling pretty good today) Went to the gym for the first time in ages and ran for a good 30 mins on the treadmill. After that I took my dog for a walk. It was also a nice sunny day here today which helps.

[xn728]

so glad to haer that keep it up ,ive had a bad couple of days ,but ill be ok
i think im feeling insecure ,but now i know what it is ,it aint so bad ,,,,
,,good to hear you ,,,,,ken xn728

[Mich]

Crybaby - that's great that you went to the gym today. Way to go! I do consider you young at 34 because I am 40-something and feeling very old. I hope you get another chance at a riding lesson. I also think it is great that you are doing that for yourself. I take Spanish tutoring once per week as my "thing to do" but it is very challenging and I often just don't have the brain for it with this depression looming large. Congrats on doing something for yourself today.

[crybaby1086]

Hey Mich, I think it is great you are learning Spanish. I think everyone should have "their thing to do" it gives us something to look forward to.