Good Morning

[Mich]

I am grateful for a good night's sleep but awoke with the familiar squeezing and heaviness in my chest; immense sadness. I want to bring harm to myself but I know I have to stay off that path. I have never been a cutter but find myself with the urge to do so. I have always just scratched myself severely and have been able to explain that away to everyone with a multitude of reasons. My daughter would be mortified if she ever saw razor cuts. It would not be explainable. With the starvation, everybody sees it but no one says anything about it. It's more of a subtle thing that only becomes evident over time with extreme weight loss. I am determined not to give in to the cutting urge and will do everything in my power today to keep myself from doing that. I will snap my elastic band and I will get out of the sanctuary of my home. I am upset with my doctor for not allowing me to go up 1 mg in my antipsychotic med. I know this would alleviate my urges and make each day less of an internal struggle over whether to self harm or not. I think he sees it as a request to get more drugs for an overdose.
I am going to go out today into the public. I am going to buy myself a pair of shoes. I might also try to buy my son some clothes for Christmas. Last Christmas is an upsetting memory for my family as I was hospitalized and missed everything.
I feel horrendous today but at the same time I feel a strong internal determination to stay safe. I believe I can conquer these urges.

[shatteredhopes]

So proud of you for fighting the urge to self harm. You are sounding positive despite the setback of the doctor not letting you go up on your medicine. And good for you that you are going out today in public to do some shopping! Let us know how it goes.

Your post sounded so much more positive. You are fighting so hard not to give in to this horrible disease. You inspire me!