It Hurts

[Mich]

My kids will be up in 15 minutes and I don't know how I will go through the motions of being a mom...breakfast, urging them to get ready etc. Then the drive to school. It hurts so much today. I want to shut down and be unavailable. It comforts me to know that you all understand this pain....the depth, the intensity. It totally consumes me and leaves nothing for the outside world yet somehow I will force myself to function for my children. They will sense my troubles and be very careful with their actions and their words. I look at myself in the mirror and see a total wreck and yet I am utterly powerless to do anything about it. My psych is back today and I have an appt and I am not sure if I am able to face a gut-wrenching session today. This post is all over the place. My thoughts feel so random and disjointed. I almost feel incoherent....definitely detached and remote. I need seclusion.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))

Doesn't matter if your post is all over the place, you are venting, releasing, that helps.

Being alone isn't all it is cut out to be, but do understand the need to have that time, that seclusion.

All you can do is, keep going, function for the children, they don't realize or to young to understand. Perhaps seeing the doctor today might help release some of these thoughts or feelings? Just a thought.

Know we are here and will reply, support you the best we can. Take care of you for us.

Warmie

[sweetabby]

We feel for you Mich. I am just new here but vent out as much as you want. We are here to support you. Do what you need to do for your kids and function. But remember to take care of yourself. Give yourself that seclusion time. Its part of recharging.

[Mich]

Thank you Warmie and Sweetabby. It is almost noon here and I am hanging in there. I have spent a bit too much time in bed but have gotten up twice to walk my dog. Now I am off to my psych appt.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))

Luck with the appointment.

Warmie

[lisalou]

hi mich, hope your appointment went well. i understand how much depression aches right through your mind and body and how impossible it feels to put on a front and look after children. i respect you so much for battling through it and still being able to do things for your children and take the dog out. i hope you can try to be kind to yourself and do something for YOU also, maybe enjoy a favourite film or some music or take a nice bath. i remember you saying you have long nails, maybe you could give yourself a manicure and paint them a nice colour too?

[Monty]

Mich,

My kids were very young, when I was at one of my sickest points.
It was hard to get out of bed and get them off to school. What I did was just head back to bed, then just before the school bus brought them home, I got up and dressed.
Really don't think I was fooling anyone.

The only reason that I am relating this story is that my children are both in their 20's now.
I know that they both love me very much. My daughter just got married and the maid of honor said "that she knew where her compassion came from, just look at her mom".

Earlier my daughter had said "I think that I turned out ok, and that is because of you"
This was to a parent who thought that I destroyed their lives because of their childhood.

Your kids probably realize (like mine always did but I just couldn't stop berating myself) that you are doing the absolute best that you can, you just can't do any better), and that is how they will think then they think of their mom.