Intense Hatred

[Mich]

I hate myself so intensely today. I hate my very being; what I look like, who I am; the mother I am; the wife I am. The elastic band on my wrist is getting a good workout today. Most of all, I hate myself for eating food. How dare I give sustenance to such a foul and dirty creature. How dare I nurture someone so vile and hideous. I want to seal my mouth shut and never take another morsel or drop of liquid. I want to become only bones. Please take this disgusting flesh off of my body. I must become smaller.

[shatteredhopes]

I ate some crackers a bit ago, the first thing since Saturday lunch. One time many years ago I was down to 80 pounds. Then I was horribly obese. Went off medications, lost forty pounds in one month.

I understand what it is to hate your body inside and out. Can you manage to fix something to eat you really enjoy? Ice cream? A candy bar? Fast food? Not nurturing nutritious something...I had to get in the practice of trying to enjoy eating.

Just a thought...I care.

[xn728]

sorry for your pain mich ,what can i say ,these things i dont know about
i will think of you ,mich ,stay strong ,no matter how hard ,,,,ken

[lisalou]

mich, please please stop hating yourself so much and try to see yourself as we see you, a good friend with a good heart, you would never dream of talking to anyone else so cruelly so why do you torment yourself with such words? what could you possibly have done to deserve such hatred? the abuse you have suffered in the past is a crime in which you are the innocent victim, none of it is your fault, children are too young to stand up for themselves against such vile behaviour. if anything it makes it all the more important that you take care of yourself and give yourself the love and peace that was taken away from you. i know from bitter experience that feelings of self hatred will not go away no matter how much weight you lose so why put your body through that again? although i get frustrated with myself for eating again and putting on weight i can admit that i am a lot healthier and stronger and warmer and my mind can work more clearly (well,relatively...!) if you find yourself restricting your food again at least make sure that what you do have is really nourishing, lots of fruit and veg, and remember - water has no calories and you will suffer so much from dehydrating yourself

[Monty]

Mich,

I think I have told you this before, so forgive me if I am repeating myself.

I have suffered my whole life from hating myself. I think that it started when I was a little one, and abused. That must be the way that abusers are able to do things to us, by making us feel like we are nothing. A few years ago I was given a pension (while in my 40's) because I am unable to work due to the self-loathing (that is what the pdoc said on my application form.

They only say it because they want to have their way with us. I am pretty sure that in a lot of cases, they are the only ones that say those vile things., The rest of those around us feel, that there is no truth at all in what they say.

Like I said, I have suffered from low-self esteem since I was a young child. I pound the c**p out of myself, for almost all that I do. I want to emphasize that it is something that I do it "most of the time". I have gotten to the point that I can give myself some credit for doing some good. If I could do it, there is hope for you too (don't forget that).

In the past I have tried to end it all. Fortunately I, obviously, haven't succeeded.

I think that I have read most of the replies to your posts. They all have been supportive. I am sure that you couldn't have fooled all of us.

I have been thinking about it and I think that I would go with the route of somehow getting something in your tummy. Whether it is something that is not so nurtrious and then when you get used to eating again go the more healthy way.

Also I would strongly advise you try to keep on drinking, you don't want to dehydrate. I have gotten really sick because of stopping drinking before, and ended up in the hospital with a bag of fluids dripping into my arm.

Hope in the my own little roundabout way, you understand that we care for you, and want you to be healthy.

Take good care of yourself physically.
You deserve to be treated well.

[shatteredhopes]

...could you maybe look at really nutritious/healthy food, like fruit veggies and water, as a purification mechanism? Talk to yourself as you eat that I am purifying my body with this nourishment? Like positive affirmations? I am becoming healthy whole and a new person....I am freeing my body of the toxin of abuse with wholesome food...etc.

Dunno...just a suggestion

[Mich]

Thank you everyone. Such kindness and warmth. You all comfort me so much and I cannot thank you enough. May you all be well today.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))))))

You aren't alone in these feelings, just know we, as your friends, will do all we can to be supportive. You do the same for us.

Warmie