So, then there was me...

[_elle_]

I promised that I'd make my own thread and say a little bit about myself, so here goes nothing. Hey everyone! I don't really know anything specifically about what I'm going through, I only know how I feel. I'm really opposed to opening up to people I don't know, because I have a hard enough time opening up to the people I do know in my life, you know, and I feel like if I owe an explanation of my thoughts and feelings to anyone, it's my friends and family, and not a stranger in a doctor's office. I know that probably isn't the right way to look at things, but that's just where I'm at right now.

I've been going through periods of depression for 8 years now. I'm 20, so I guess it's been going on since I was 12. Wow, was 7th grade really that long ago? I didn't know it was a big deal back then, but I had suicidal thoughts. I would never have acted upon them it a million years (I still wouldn't now) but I had journal entries about running away, and how everyone's life would be better if I didn't exist. You know, typical preteen/teenage angst.

It was never a big deal. I never let it effect other aspects of my life. I never let it show. I feel like for a while it made me stronger, because it was like my little secret, and I had to work extra hard just to fit in, but when I was accepted it felt like I had truly accomplished something.

My two best friends were a grade above me. My senior year, when they went to college and I was still in high school, I hit the lowest I ever had at that point. The separation, the feeling of missing out on all of the experiences they were having, the idea of being left behind, it was too much. And that's what really set it off for me. While I made other friends it was never the same, and that year was a challenge for me.

I mainly deal with depression by distracting myself, and making my life so busy that I don't have time to dwell on how I'm feeling, happy or sad. I was just busy, all of the time. Going here and there joining all sorts of clubs and picking up new hobbies. I took extra classes instead of study halls, and my life was a whirlwind.

Then I came to college. I went from having a relatively nice circle of friends and great grades to being a nobody. I only knew my roommate (my best friend from high school!) and that was it. So I fell back into old habits. I kept busy. I kept to myself. I got depressed again. I missed the familiarity of my old life, of high school. I don't do well with change. And the change to college life was too much. But again, I didn't show anything on the outside. I just grew quiet. I kept to what I knew. And my life was passable for two whole years.

But this year... I don't know. I'm a Junior now. Maybe it's just the idea that this year my best friend is graduating and leaving me again. It's like high school all over again, that terrible year where everything I was used to, everything I love and find comfort in, is going to change again. And that scares me. And that fear is turning into anxiety. And the anxiety makes me withdraw. And then I get depressed. And usually I can control it, but this year it's getting the best of me. I'm tired all of the time. I get emotional over everything. I can't focus, I've stopped caring about things because they never seem to work out the way I want them to anyway, so why even bother? No matter how hard I try, things will happen the way they're going to happen, and it never matters what I do. So why fight it?

And now I'm just rambling, so I'm going to stop. I almost feel guilty being here and taking up space on this board, taking up people's time who will be reading this. I don't have the serious depression that a lot of people on here have. I don't want to kill myself (though sometimes I think people would be better off if I wasn't around, but never in a suicidal way) and I never have that 'everything is black and meaningless' feeling. It's just... a sadness, sometimes. A lack of self-confidence, on bad days of self-worth. I feel like these are just normal emotions, though I guess most people don't feel them quite so often. But my friend suggested that I get help, and since I'm not yet able to bring myself to talk to a counselor, I thought here would be a great place to start. And even if no one reads this, it was sort of nice to just write out.

And wow, that was a lot! I didn't mean to write that much...

[crystalgaze]

Hey there Elle! A mighty big welcome to the forum. Feel free to write as much or as little as you want. There's no need to feel guilty for coming/being here.

You are what you are & you feel how you feel. It's okay to embrace what you are & take little steps to get you the help you need/want or get you where you need/want to go.

Good job at moving forward courageously + bravely.

There is something that you said about why bothering to fight because things never turn out the way you want. My question to you is: How so? & even though, things didn't work out the way you wanted, for the particular situation, was it ALL bad? Did nothing good come from it whatsoever?

It's just a thought. You don't have to answer me or post on the forum, but if you feel like thinking about it to yourself, then that's fine. Do what you feel comfortable doing. Take care! ~Crystal

By the way, I'm 25 & I did manage to get through undergrad. I wasn't very sociable, though. I believe there's good & bad to withdrawing, but it can work for you somewhat, depending on what your temperament/personality + outlook is.

The only way withdrawing has really hurt me so far is that I am often awkward around people & in social situations. I think I would have been awkward any way because I have never really had any real genuine friends in the 1st place for most of my life. I'm also not inclined to get close to people as well. That was the way I coped. It's nothing against people because I was always mostly introverted. (I would be more inclined to read or play a video game vs. be around people.)

You might want to check out http://depression-understood.org/forum/ ... php?t=5829

There are a few of here who are close in age, if that's what you need/want.

Okay & with that I rambled a little as well. See? It's okay!

Hang in there Elle! (By the way, that's an especially beautiful username. It reminds me of a video game character with the same name in Terranigma.)

[Mich]

Elle - thank you for sharing. I can tell it was a big step for you to do that. I hope you can get some comfort and feel some connection here. You are not alone.

[Whisper]

Its ok that you don't get as deeply depressed as some do here. Thank God you don't. And hopefully by dealing w/ lower key depression while you are young, you won't have to ever get to that horrid state. I can't stress enough how brave and insightful I think you are for wanting to and taking steps to deal w/ this now. Research seems to be showing that catching depression while a person is young gives that person a much better outcome. I guess that only makes sense since any illness has the best chance of treatment the earlier you catch it.

You are doing the right thing, and you definitely aren't wasting anyone's time. We all learn from and lean on each other.


Jeanne

[crystalgaze]

Hi there Elle... How are you? Just figured I'd check