Calmer Thoughts

[Mich]

My racing thoughts have calmed down and that agitation and urgency that I felt around self harm have subsided somewhat. For today, I don't feel like I am a danger to myself. I am existing in my standard state of heavy melancholy and despair. My world is viewed through a filter of darkness and even today's glorious fall weather cannot stir an inkling of joy inside me. I can see others out there enjoying the colours and the sunshine today and yet I remain immune to it all. A perfectly joyless existence. I have tried to get out there with the dog this morning to try to life my spirits but I am afraid it has had no effect.
My 13 year old daughter is having a very poor start to the school year. She is in Grade 8 and has always been a honour student. She is particularly good in math (like her father) and has always managed good grades in everything else as well. So far this year she is dangerously close to failing some subjects. I am left wondering if this is all my fault. Have so many years of depression and anorexia taken their toll on her? I have tried talking to her but cannot glean any information on why this trend is happening. Could it be that she sees me not caring about myself and so has decided not to care about herself either? I hope this can be turned around. She has so many dreams for her future such as going off to uni with her best friend and then starting a wedding planning business together. She has seen me sitting at home for almost 5 years now...totally immobilized....and probably wonders "why should I bother, she doesn't?"
I don't make any effort with my appearance. I haven't worn make up for 5 years, my hairs hangs limply from the anorexia, I often wear clothes during the day that I have slept in at night. Many have urged me on to spiff up...even my doctor. But somehow I think I want my outside to reflect how I feel on the inside. I want people to be able to see that I am suffering. That is something that is appealing about the anorexia. If I am emaciated on the outside, then I must be despairing on the inside. My eating disorder is under a lot more control than it used to be but every day is still a struggle.
I think I will try another dog walk in the sunshine.

[crystalgaze]

Okay, Mich. Glad to know you are feeling just a wee bit better.... Hhhmmm....

How about this....? Try spiffing up & see how you feel...? Have you tried this before?

[lisalou]

hiya mich,really glad you are feeling less self-harming. sounds like your daughter is suffering from...being a teenager,i think every 13yr old develops a bit of an attitude and starts slacking at school regardless of what their family situation is. what you said about your anorexia really struck a chord...i think i feel like when i get really skinny and ill-looking it finally mirrors the broken person within and that maybe will see past my act of beeing so cheery and calm. how was your second walk?

[crystalgaze]

Hhmm.... I thought about it a little.... It could be what you said Mich.... & then again, maybe it's something at school....? Hopefully, no one's picking on her/bullying her.... Do you know her friends?

It sounds like a break or it really could be what Lisa said... I would monitor it.

(I broke at least twice, when I was her age & didn't even realize it... 1 from bullying, another from not fitting in because I wouldn't follow these people & do what they told me to do... Another time when I broke was like in high school where I stopped giving two hoots about any thing for a time.... I'm not trying to scare you, but my gut tells me it's something worth looking at closely for a good while...)

About the anorexia reflecting how you feel.... If it goes that way, then it's possible you might never recover (because you're anorexic all the time & you'll probably have too many battles all at once to fight).... Is that what you really want? Do you see what I mean....? Um, where I'm going with it?

(Of course, I'm not saying gain weight & be overweight....!!!! No no! That's not it!)

Also, just want to make sure I'm not misunderstood or any thing.... I'm not saying what I'm saying to be mean or rude or any thing....

Mich, Lisa, we can all give our demons a good beat down at least once....! We can do it!