Two Steps Backwards

[Mich]

Yesterday I walked further into the darkness by taking an overdose of my prescription medicine. I knew it wasn't a lethal dose but I just could not bear the pain for a minute longer and needed to do something that would knock me out cold for an extended period of time. It was an urgent, intense call to action and I could not stop it from happening. I wanted to hurt myself and I wanted to pass out and be free of my thoughts. I have been having an agitated depression for a few days now and when I have that I just get so impulsive. My thoughts are racing but they are unclear thoughts....the only thought that comes through clearly is the thought to take my pills. My family was all wondering why I was passed out after school and all night and I recall muttering something to them about having a bad reaction to a new medication. I don't plan on fessing up to anyone.
I know this is wrong. I haven't really accomplished anything and some day I could go too far. The feelings that I were trying to escape are still here today meaning I haven't gotten any further ahead by doing this foolish action. Intellectually, I know it is foolish and wrong. But emotionally, when I am in crisis, it seems like the only logical thing to do. I suppose I should have tried reaching out to a crisis line or phoning my doctor but I did not. I felt compelled to take things into my own hands and act.
I must focus on healthier ways to cope.

[crystalgaze]

Yes, okay. & since you see it, it's good! You're doing great Mich! You took 2 steps backward for a moment to rest. Resting is okay. I'm glad you're here today (really so glad).

You are seeing it. You can take action. You can. You can. You can. You can. Now you just have to practice a healthier action. Again, I'm glad you are okay. Thank heavens!

Do you think you might be able to replace your not-so-good action with something like Tai Chi, yoga, pilates, rubix cubes (something?)?

Just trying to help. You deserve all the happiness & joy in the world. We all do!

Do you like teddy bears or maybe you can hug your pillow? I once bought a comfort stuffed animal. I don't really have much space for a lot of stuff, so she's a small plush toy & I put her on the back of my door & I make sure to look at her or hug her when I feel down. The good thing about her being small is I can take her with me, if I really want or really need comfort!

[lisalou]

hiya mich,please don't feel guilty for what you did but i think it's a shame things have got so bad. do you think you could trust your doctor enough to tell them? i really really understand the feeling of wanting to 'check out' of life as i have been feeling really desperate myself the last couple of days. remember my tip about wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it when the self-harm urges get strong. also do whatever you can to get 'out of life' in whatever ways seem to work for you - browsing through the internet or magazines or watching crap telly or playing music or doodling on scrap paper or even just looking out of the window and having a good old stare at everyone who passes by! I seem to be spending a lot of time wandering around shops i have no intention of buying anything from and watching the same old favourite programmes on tv (sometimes it's all i can concentrate on and less painful than the real world) i often feel like i'm just wasting my time but any distraction is good and i say it's always better to kill time than kill yourself. crystal's idea of having a cuddly toy is nice too, i have got myself a nice chunky elephant called Albie who fills my arms and the empty sensation around my chest nicely. also a panda called Chi-Chi a dinosaur called Monty (no not our Monty!) and a dog called Toto. I have a lot of inner child issues!!!!! they are nice though. and remember you have the best one of all,your dog. i bet she'd love a good cuddle and play with you right now.

lotsa love, Lisa x

[xn728]

oh dear mich im sorry your having this hard time ,try not to do this thing again ,ive been there so i know how you feel when you stand at that door ,on the day you had your therepist ,and you felt a little better i also had mine ,i was told they could not make me better ,but they would try and keep my mood stable ,so ive thought over the last couple of days and im gonna try and give myself something back ,so you need to stay around to see how that progress,s ,SO listen the cuddly toy thing ,yes
my lilac teddy ,oh yes me a grown man ,one of the girls bought it for dads day i think a few years ago ,its at the side of my bed now ,on my table ,weve cryed together ,i buried my face in his fur to queit the sobbing ,he never complains but he has pain and love in him and it helps .
when i feel ok and i havent needed his support ,when no,one has been around ,i will hold him against my warm breast and give him some warmth and love so when i reach out to him he can come and comfort me
once again ,i talk to myself why shouldent i talk to teddy .
stand up mich ,you dont belong down there ,xn728,,,,,,ken