A Rough Start to the Day

[Mich]

I wrote this post once before but I didn't have a subject so it didn't seem to post. If it shows up twice, I apologize.
I want to overmedicate today. Not lethally so. Just enough to blot me out for the day. To escape the pain and darkness. To escape the thoughts of self hatred that take over my mind. I hate myself so much...absolutely everything about myself: my appearance, the size of my body, my personality, the fact that I have no redeeming qualities, my weakness....I could go on and on. My parents rejected me. They never loved me or liked me or accepted me for the person I was. I have so much anger towards them because of this. It threatens to eat me alive. The pain of my existence is so unbearable. It becomes a chore every day tofigure out how to blot it out...how to make the day bearable. Is a life of such pain really worth living? I know, I know...I am supposed to soldier on for my family. But I feel nothing there. I try to go through the motions of being a good wife and mother but most days I fail and there is no feeling there. Neither do I feel any affection coming from them.
My psychiatrist told me yesterday that I possess an inner strength that is keeping me going. There is something inside me that wants to live. That part of me is getting harder and harder to tap into but somehow I keep on doing it. I hear the kids getting up. I better go.

[crystalgaze]

Hi there Mich. Ah, I hope you feel better.... (((((Mich))))

Is such a life of pain really worth living?

You are correct at the thought & no, I'm not talking about self-cide.... Don't get me wrong; that's not what I mean. (I would never tell any one to do it, after having been there myself.)

Please don't take my words in a bad way. I'm just trying to encourage you & prop you up in your quest. You're doing great, & you have to pat yourself on the back for that!

Back to the thought itself, a life of PAIN is not really worth living, so the good news is you've already figured out that. Every thing you have been doing--from doctor visits, meds (?), coming here, etc.--is to get rid of the life of pain (or at least make it bearable as you said).

Your psychiatrist is right about your inner strength quality. You have already taken your steps, & you already know what you want to do. (Execution is always a little hard, though....)

About soldiering on for your family, if it is something that can be used to help you, then I guess it's something to do. However, I think you really have to soldier on for YOU/YOURSELF.

I tried soldiering on for everybody (my parents, my grandfather & his memory, my boyfriend, my best friend & love, who died, for my other friend who died, etc.) & everything else (work, school, church/religion, tearing down the negative ideas that affect me as a brown-skinned person, not wanting to fail, feeling trapped, not being like my brother or my mother, etc.) & it worked temporarily, but ultimately ended in disaster & further unhappiness.

It really must done for you. I soldiered on for everybody & everything else, but myself for years.... You're going to have to start loving yourself & finding things to love about yourself more & more & putting yourself at the center of your life. It's YOUR life & nobody else's. It's sort of like our solar system would not be here if the sun weren't out there. You are the sun of your own life & every thing revolves around you.

It can sound selfish, but it's not....

Hang in there for now, & Mich, you can do it! You can take the bull by the horns & tell it where you want it to go vs it telling you where you must go.

You deserve happiness & all good things. You don't have to be like your parents (I'm not saying you are, just saying in general) or let that situation continue to rob you of yourself & what you have to offer the world (because I am convinced you do have something to offer).

I'm not saying it's easy. What I'm describing to you is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it has helped & improved things 110%.

Where I am right now is by no means perfect or the end of the journey, but it's a much better place than where I was previously. I was always so hard on myself, always not happy with myself, almost always didn't like myself or how I looked, didn't give myself credit where it was due, just tore myself down & didn't care for or think enough of myself....

There are so many other people in the world who can & will do that for you, so there's no need for you to do it to yourself (like there's no reason to kick yourself like that & that hard or that frequently). It's sort of like stopping/unlearning a bad habit....

Self-preservation comes 1st. You preserve yourself, so that you can be of use to yourself as well as others (if that's what you want).... You preserve yourself for others to respect you & for you not to get lost in them or to need them in order for you to have a handle on yourself.

Take care, best wishes, & much love!