Another Day

[Mich]

The heaviness of despair is crushing my chest this morning. Nothing alleviates it. I wake up to it every morning and go to sleep with it every night. I asked my psych for a different medication yesterday and he agreed to transition me to Cipralex. I have never heard of that one so I am not going to make the change. For some reason I am just nervous about it and so will stick with my current cocktail. I had a lot of tears at my psych appt yesterday and at one point was saying "I am so unwell, please help me." After so many years, you would think I would be used to living with this by now. But I'm not and it's the same struggle every day to try to function in this world. It hasn't gotten any easier with time and because I am talking about very painful topics in therapy twice per week, I think it is even harder right now. Each day I wonder how I am going to face this misery for another day. There has been no light for so many years and I really don't believe there will be light again. My family is just tired of my illness and want it to end. It's very hard to see the point in this existence.

[lisalou]

The light will come back in your life because the light is within you and you are stronger than you know. Therapy can be a gruelling business, i went to my counsellor yesterday evening and she kept bringing up stuff about my mum and i just thought I know,I know,i've discussed all this with many therapists but it doesn't take the blackness away. But i guess we have to keep working through our issues from our pasts until we get closure on it. I was on Cipralex once but I really can't remember what it was like,don't think i had any side-effects. Today the world outside and within my head is just a big grey nothing,i'm almost wanting to go back to work just so i have some kind of structure to my day and don't feel so useless. i am trying to congratulate myself for every small thing i do achieve though. Today i have showered! Yesterday i did the washing up for once! (my boyfriend really appreciated that one) Remember, every tiny thing you accomplish during a depression this bad is a mini miracle. try to do something kind for yourself that might make you feel better - try to watch a favourite film or read a book (sometimes kid's stuff is easier when your mind is compromised and is good for your 'inner child', i am a 28yr old harry potter devotee!) If you can bear leaving the house a brief walk might help,don't worry about 'putting yourself together',i have gone out in PJ's,i'm past caring!!!!! see if you can see any nice little thing outside that might uplift you - trees,the shape of the clouds,dogs being walked - i know you like dogs - birds,anything...yesterday it rained lots here and after my counselling even though i was distraught i found myself engrossed watching some little baby snails that had come out to play in the damp! there is a lot of beauty to be found in the natural world although i know it can be a real fight to see it when you feel bleak. music can have a very powerful effect on mood too,listen to something strong and uplifting. i like aromatherapy and when i remember and am willing to do something nice for myself i burn essential oils. bergamot is good for depression and mixes well with lavender which is good for anxiety. doing creative stuff can be nice,you dont have to be picasso,just play around with some paint or pencils and paper. ive been thinking of making a 'happy collage' and sticking up little pictures and words of anything cheering. if that's too hard right now maybe just flick through some magazines to occupy your mind. if you are finding it hard to eat because of your anorexia make sure you at least take a good multi-vitamin and try bananas,they're v nourishing. apparentlyif you someone was stranded on a desert island the one thing they could survive on is bananas! plus they are full of potassium which anorexics and bulimics are often lacking in and that keeps your heart working nicely.
I hope my ideas might keep your heart working in other ways too

Lisa xx

[Mich]

Lisa - thank you for this wonderful post. I will get out with the dog today...even though it is dark and blustery. I hope you post on how you are doing.

[xn728]

if your unable to do much use your mind ,like the flying post i wrote yesterday ,the visitor has taken your mind and you need to win a little back if you do the smallest thing ,and succeed you will have scored a little victory .think about the way i talk about things in my posts ,if i were to talk like this in public ,id be i a straight jacket by now .i talk to my self all the time ,reasuring myself ,and more than often beating myself up .dont be afraid to challenge your depprestion ,its doing what it likes with you right now .turn round and bite it on the ass ,it will take a step back as would you .its you inside you share this space with this illness theres nothing in the rulebook that says it should have all the room while it pushes you into that corner .come out into the centre of the room and dont be pushed around .have some days for yourself ,and when the depprestion has its days they may not seem so bad come on mich
punch your way out of that corner xn728