Demons

[Mich]

Today is my psych appt and I have been looking forward to it all week as I need an outlet for describing the agony of my depression. Now that the time is here for my appt, I am feeling strangely blank about it. I can never adequately describe the isolation, the blackness, the despair, the utter hopelessness I feel about my situation...I don't have the words and it frustrates me beyond belief. I also know that my psych is going to want to continue down the path of a very painful topic for me. I know if I go down this path today that I am in for several days of utter despair and suicidal thoughts. It is too much to bear. A secret that has been locked inside for 40 years. My anorexic voice is not happy with me today as I ate a forbidden food and now I am struggling to silence her voice. I can never be thin enough for her and my desire to turn to dust is very strong. I know I must eat to help ease my depression but I won't be able to now after having eaten that item. I wish God would release me from my demons.

[lisalou]

hi mich, hope your appointment didn't go too badly and that you felt strong enough to discuss some of your issues. unfortunately sometimes with therapy it gets worse before it gets better. i have been feeling a lot worse since i started to open up to my counsellor more and there is still stuff i dont dare tell her or even think about properly myself.

Appointments have an annoying way of making you go blank dont they! I was at the doctors yesterday and just couldnt express myself properly or even know what I wanted from him.

I too have a history of anorexia,along with bulimia,binge-eating and every mutation of eating disorder under the sun. right now I am eating for England (and probably could for Canada too. Be warned,when the chocolate runs low I will swim to your shores....!) It makes me hate myself even more. On Monday I made myself sick again for the first time in ages and it was terrifying going back there. I know I am being an utter utter hypocrite but I say to your anorexic voice -

SHUT UP AND LEAVE MICH ALONE! let her feed herself,be herself and love herself. Unfortunately as I know,with anorexia you will never feel thin enough,it just leaves you obsessed,desperate,alone,tired and very very cold

please feel free to message me any time

now i have to face my own battle for the day,going out for a drink for my friend's birthday. how do people cope with this socialising thing?!!! i must go though,she is a dear friend. I'm sure there are people who love you lots too mich. remember - friends are like the stars,you don't have to see them to know they're there

Love Lisa x x

[xn728]

hello mich ,dont be afraid to talk about your demons and pain ,say it the way you see it in your mind ,look at the things i write ,i was once frightened to let these things out ,i thought my docter ,and shyco,person would lock me away ,they were all touched by what i told them ,and told me the depprestion had given me a gift , ,we all have differant gods ,i wouldent ask mine to set me free ,i have a good idea what the visitor has in store for me ,but i wouldent take my gods hand to take me to a better place ,i have worshiped this god of mine for many years ,yet it offers me no comfort or shows me no happys pastures either .at least i know were i stand with the visitor it may make my mind bleed ,but it lets the flesh on the outside do its duty ,if your god took you away you may or may not rest ,but the ones you leave behind would greive forever ,they love you so much and anyone of them would carry your pain for you if they could
you will go on ,and you will prevail xn728

[crystalgaze]

Hey Mich! I think every one else has said every thing else for me.

So I'm just checking back to see how you're doing & send the very best wishes to you.