Didn't know it would get so low, so fast

[Monty]

Hi everyone,

I think that probably everyone knows that I had ECT (electro-convulsive therapy), also goes by the barbaric name (shock therapy).

I have written of my experience with it in another portion of the forum. The long and the short of it, is that the ECT gave me a second chance at life. It happened about September 2007. At that point I was very ill, and the decision was made for me to have the procedure (previously I had balked at having it done, but it got to the point that there was nothing more medication wise that they could do for me).

Everything went ok, until about a month ago. I had my first major depressive episode in about a year and a half. It seemed to come totally out of the blue, I spent the week having a hard time dragging my ass out of bed.

Of course since it happened once, I was sure that it would come back, and was looking over my shoulder.

This week it seems to have come back with a vengence. In the morning I just can't function. This is slipping back into my old pattern, pre-2007, and to tell you the truth, I am scared shitless.

I see my pdoc next week, but it will only be a 15 minutes appointment. I get to see him once every 3 or 4 months, so I have to make sure that I can condense all that I have to tell him. Somehow get the idea of the desperation that I am feeling in less that a quarter of an hour.

I went to see my counsellor (or sort of, he is a short term fix for a long-term problem that I have) and he suggested to write the things down what I want to tell him.

I am now thinking as I am typing. I have his email address. Maybe what I should do is to try and put down some of my thoughts on paper, so he can read them before I get there. That might be able to make a little better use of our time together. We might be able to get right to the root of the problem rather than dancing around it.

The worst times for me are in the morning. It has been that way all of my life. I am wondering if maybe it is because then I have the whole day before me, to try to cope with. When it comes to the evening it is the end of the day and I don't have too many hours to go until it is time for bed.

At this point, even though it is late afternoon where I am, I am wondering how I am going to cope through this. The mood is very low, and as a result very scary. I had good friends that helped me through things in 2007. I am afraid of asking them for help, even though they have told me that I shouldn't hesitate. I am afraid of going to the well. Once too often.

Sorry this is such a downer of a post, just needed to vent some.

[Blue]

Hi Monty,

I'm so sorry that this evilness has come back into your life. I would also say that writing things down would be a good idea so that you are able to say all that you want to say.

It sounds as though you have good friends and you should lean on them if you need to. You would want them to lean on you, right? So, it works both ways. I was also afraid of letting my friends go through this with me once again but they have been wonderful and said that they wished I had talked to them before it got to the stage that it did. I think your friends would feel the same way.

I sincerely hope this is just a small blip and that better days arrive tomorrow for you.

xxx

[Aurelia5]

Monty dear~

Two things I learned: writing a detailed email or letter to the doc probably won't work. I did that once, the doc read it, but we didn't go over any of it when I was there. I probably should've sent a 50 dollar bill with it.
Writing down what you need to force down his throat in 15 minutes won't work either. The first thing on the list gets 15 minutes of time.
Blue is 100% right about using your friends. If they have told you they want to help you, they can't be surprised when you do. But the big reason why some people won't tell a friend to call them is that previous advice was ignored. When you ask someone for their help, and then don't use the help, you can expect them not to ever offer again. So talk to someone who's advice you can trust, and then do what they say. And then if their advice worked, tell them.
You give me the impression that you are at least 75% in control. But that last 25% is rough. Perhaps another ect run? Is it existential - is some thing bugging you like the roof leaks, or the car is broken or some thing that has to do with your existance? Or does it seem like something your brain is doing to you? My psychologist's appointments are always 50 minutes. The talk doc. The psychiatrist - the pill doc, is shorter since all he wants is an update and to write new RX's. That is all he is expected to do. He doesn't do psychotherapy and the psychologist doesn't write scripts. Maybe you're trying to get one to do the other's job?

I'll be holding your hand today. Go ahead and have a big cry. It will make you feel better.


xoxoxoxox

a5

[Monty]

Thanks Blue and a5 for your suggestions. Sounds like I points of view from both ends of the spectrum.

I think that a lot of my problem comes from the fact that in addition to dealing with the depression difficulties (that have plagued me for a great deal of my adult life) is that I am living with an ageing parent.

Due to religious beliefs (there is no medical intervention allowed on her part) I can't get the help that is available, because of that fact it is like my hands are tied behind my back. I can see that there is help out there available, that would be advantageous for both of us to access, but there is no movement on her part in allowing for an assessment by the health district.

I find it extremely frustrating because I tell my friends that I don't juggle balls, I am juggling chainsaws. She is in her 80's, obviously deteriorates from week to week, has no friends so I am the only one for her to lean on.

I know that it is putting tremendous pressure on me. I have two other sibilings. One that lives in the city, and one that is in another province. I bring up problems with my brother (the one in the city) and he says, "it is dementia, it is only going to get worse" and that is the end of our conversation. I feel like I am being treated like a child.

Looking back I realize that this outburst has nothing to do with the thread, other than showing that I have not only my own clinical depression to deal with but my situation gets very murky because my mom's problems are thrown into the mix.

My pdco appointment is on Thursday and I don't know how to approach it. How much of my mom's problems do I bring up? Every minute I talk about her, takes away a minute of talking about me. They directly affect me, but is there a chemical problem in my brain that is causing the depression (something that he "could" help me with) or is it the situation with my mom, that is bringing me down.

With only 15 minutes to play with, and having to wait 4 months till I see him again, I feel it really puts me behind the eight-ball.

I don't know what to do about my mom. I can't abandon her, but where does it get to the point that a 51 year-old adult doesn't have to live with her mom anymore. With all the years that she could live, I could be in this situation for a long time. The longer it takes for an assessment, the longer it takes for things to get put in motion. I do have a lady from the Council on Aging that I can talk to this week. The problem with that is that I see her on Friday and my pdoc on Thursday.
I have, on different levels, taken care of my mom since I was 10. Was married for 27 years, had a couple of kids, took care of people. I know that it is getting to the time that I have to stand up for myself, and take care of myself. I don't want to let life pass me by.

[Aurelia5]

Hi Monty

When my mother started going down with Alzheimers, we simply did what was necessary, and if she was lucid enough to question it, we just told her what she wanted to hear, and then changed the subject. It worked out perfectly: she would, for the short time she could think, be very happy with what we told her, and we would be happy because we would be doing what had to be done. Try it. Just call the people who can help, get them in there, and tell your mother anything that works - it's your friend, it's her friend, it's a lady who's helping you, it's the doctor, whatever she wants to hear. That way she is still in control.

The whole problem with getting old, is losing control. My father, who was a REALLY good driver, had to stop when his macular degeneration got too bad and he couldn't see things as big as cars. He nearly threw a fit. And then when his wife (not my mother) drove him around, or for that matter when I drove him around, he'd give orders the whole time.

So find a way to make her feel like she is still running the show. Tell her something she said was a great idea, that something she remembered was really interesting. Things like that. She'll be happier.

I was lucky my sister helped me. One reason she did was that she lived on the same property they did, but I think if she didn't she still would've helped. She hates my guts, and if Brad dies before we're ready for it and I'm out on the street, she wouldn't give me a dollar. Since your brother is useless, set up a situation that tells him he either helps, or gives you money to help. Nag him into it. He should be thrilled to only have to give you some money and not have to do any of the scary touchy-feely stuff.

Your doc, this thursday. Spend the 15 minutes getting a referal to a 'talk doc', a psychologist that has the normal 50 minute appointments . Or try to get a script for any kind of pill you think might make you feel better. I know from what you've said that antidepressants don't work, and your depression is serious enough and close enough to the surface that benzodiazapines may not be a good idea. But when I feel I can't take any more, I have a Xanax. It gets the feeling of panic and fear out of my head immediately. If you want to try an antidepressant again, get him to give you 4 weeks worth of Cymbalta samples. It will take at least 15 minutes to talk him into that, so start in on him before you even sit down. I don't understand what kind of doctor he is. What does his card say? Is he a psychiatrist or a psychologist? Does it say Ph.D or M.D. on his card? Does he even have a card? And why is the wait so long? We have more shrinks in Santa Fe than tourists, and this is a small but MAJOR tourist town. I met people in Europe that had been to Santa Fe.

You said you are you're mother's only friend. There's a good opening right there for getting someone else in the house. Call all those people who could help and see if you can arrange for one, man or worman, to come in and visit. At first it could be under the pretense of watching things while you go somewhere. Or if she says she doesn't need anybody, get someone in under the pretense of helping you . Tell her your back is injured and you need her to help change the bed. Tell the helper the idea is to slowly become her friend and get her to sit there with your mother for a little longer each time, just visiting. I know this works. I've watched some really stubborn people put up a fight over who deals with them, but in the end it all amounts to the same thing: control.
Make your mother think she is the one that came up with the idea of a visitor. And a young man might be good too - she'll probably start getting prettied up before he comes!

How lucid is she? Can you plan things, or is she too unpredictable?

Anyway, you get my drift:
Get Mother thinking she has control
Get Dr. to give you either pills or a referral
Get brother to do something you need and at the same time, make him think he's being let off the hook. (He doesn't read this forum does he? That'd be bad.)
Buy yourself a little present. A new scarf or a bottle of fragrance; some little thing that makes you happy.

I have to go. My arm is really bad. I'll probably have to go get a shot soon.



But GOOOOOOOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a5

[Monty]

Thanks for your reply a5. Always helpful suggestions from you.

I am seeing a psychiatrist on Thursday. The first one that I saw, well it didn't work out. Then I was in emergency and it happened, that the pdoc that was on call, ended up to be mine, until her retired about 12 years later.

At that point I obviously needed a new one. I was seeing a therapist at the local mental health clinic (the one that is run by out city) and she thought that Dr.Smith would be a good fit for me. He is an excellent psychiatrist, one of the best in the city. Since he is in a state run organization, his salary isn't dependent on how many patients, or how few, he sees.

Dr.Smith is also the one who gave me the ECT. I understand that it is his job to manage my meds. The problem being that my past is so checkered that it is a difficult job for pdocs to manage my case. When I have such a limited amount of time I phave problems getting my actual status across.

I am throwing around the idea of writing some short notes to at least make sure that I get the main points across.

What I am concerned about is that I am getting so close to the point of desperation that I am not going to be able to speak clearly to him.

I have had a counsellor, of some sort, since 1988 on an almost continual basis. Due to a big change in the policy of the health region, I am only able to access any kind of therapy for a 10 week period of time. That has been affecting me since September and I am sure that it part of the reason that I am having so many problems.

I am one of those who are bipolar that need both the meds and talk therapy.

I think that is why I feel that I get so much help from this forum. I type out messages and people are kind enough to respond.

It makes me feel not so alone.

Thanks

[Aurelia5]

Monty~

Tell the doctor he is making you sick. Or tell him he is depressing you. Tell him 45 seconds isn't enough time to do any good at all.

TELL him you're at the point of desperation because you can't ever have enough time to talk. He has to come up with some sort of help. You can't just walk in and write him a check and leave. Tell him that. Maybe he can give you a referral.

Damned doctors are a pain in the arse.

a5