Coping with depression in my first year at university

[LostSoul1]

I'm halfway through my first year at university, and I'm struggling with depression. I came to uni on September 19th 2015, and despite my initial anxieties, I actually settled in really quickly. I was being confident and actively social, everything I'd wanted to be. Unfortunately, as everyone on this forum can probably tell by now, life isn't easy, and it isn't fair. In January 2015, my oldest brother (Iain, he was 36) was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia - a form of Leukaemia that develops aggressively. He was immediately put on Chemotherapy treatments that made him very very sick. He had been a scaffolder, and despised being shut up in the hospital, unable to leave his room because the chemo destroys your immune system for a few days, leaving you susceptible to even the mildest bug. Iain was my big bro, the oldest boy in the family (I have seven siblings so that's not a role he took lightly). Though he wasn't the oldest (my sister is 18 months older) he was our rock. He instilled discipline, but in equal measures he gave love and support unquestioningly. Iain went into remission in July, and we believed he was better. He'd had a bone marrow transplant and seemed much better. However, 2 weeks into uni, we discovered his Cancer was back. Iain went back into the hospital, and died just a week later on the 5th of October.

I have never in my life felt the pain that I have felt losing Iain. We were with him all day and night, willing him to get better, and we were all with him when he eventually passed. The agony that loss brings with it is unfathomable. There are truly no words for how much I mourn the loss of my beautiful big brother. I am obviously isolated from the rest of my family, living at university, so it soon became clear to me and to my family that I wasn't coping with the stress of uni as well as the pain of grief. I was diagnosed with depression by my doctor, who prescribed me 20mg of Citalopram daily.

Every day living with depression and with grief is like trying to swim through treacle. I have to take every day minute by minute, because I can't predict how I might react to a situation. Part of me is entirely numb, unable to accept that I have lost this part of my life. Part of me wants to pack a bag, walk away, and keep on walking until i feel better, no matter how long that may take. What I am really doing is battling through lectures and seminars, handing in assignments, and pretending I'm okay.
You learn quickly that real life doesn't stop and wait for you to get over loss, to recover from depression. The world keeps on moving and we have to move with it.

I'm struggling every day, but I am facing every day. There is nothing healthy about how I'm coping with this, but I'm doing my best to do just that, cope. I know the road is dark right now, and most days I can't see past what is happening right now. I curl up in a ball for hours just crying, not knowing how I'm going to get through this.

I'm not telling you a story of how I got over this, or how you should deal with things. this is my story. I'm still fighting my battle. I can't tell you that I've found the miracle cure. But I'm reminding you, and myself, that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. No matter how long you're stuck in the dark, keep pushing forward. I promise I will keep trying to.

[specter]

This is an amazing post. I admire your strength.

You have my condolences. What you are going thru is heartbreaking.

Thanks for sharing your story. *hugs*