I want my life back

[Maya]

Hello everyone
This is my story...as I write here I am hoping for a better understanding of my situation.
During holidays I took my sister 2 kids 16 & 4 years plus my only 2years daughter for vacation. It was wonderful but on our way back home, I received a call from my sister's neighbour telling me that my sister has burnt to death. It felt like a terrible dream. I needed to wakeup but it was true. I couldnt even cry because my sister's kids were sitting opposite us in the bus. We still had about 500km to go. It was longest n d hardest km of my life. My head was spinning, kids were happy to be going home after a nice holiday. I remeber how the 4year old kept on asking 'how far before we reach home so that he can give his mom a gift and tell her about every adventure'. At some point they slept & I had a lit bit of cry hiding my face pretending to be sleeping. By time we reached home it became worse, more like those scenes that one usually see on the news. My sister's home was a crime scene surrounded by red tape n every investigative unit you can think of. I asked s couple of question from one officer and he didnt realy give me much. He said I was too close to the incident. So I forced myself through like a madman wanting to see my sister,just to make sure. But they caught me before I could enter the house. For some few seconds I was blank, probably because I have chronic anemia. From 11am to 4:30 pm collecting evidence. Then they left. I was too tired from crying , my brother decided to drug me &took me home( my mom's house not far away from my sister's house) to sleep. The following day we had to go there and clean ,to make preparations for funeral. Few things had burnt but most were just black from the fire smoke and plasticware were disshape by high temperature. I examine the house and the scene where my sister was sleeping when everything happened. I got a chance to ask questions from my brother who was 1 of the family members to arrived at the scene. They said it looked like she fell asleep with the paraffin heater on and the heater fell and blankets caught fire. But she was burnt to bone around the face, hands and waist down to toe. All that was left was chest stomach and lit bit of there and there. But suprisingly the pillow and blankets only caght fire and didnt realy burn to ashes. After funeral we found out that she was tortured to death. Some1 from our street new that she was alone, went there with friends and demanded stokvel money, beat her, raped her n burnt her to bone to destroy the evidence. The sad part that has put me depression is that the case was thrown out of court because there was not enough evidence. The guy is back on our community. Since this happened I struggle to sleep , I suffocate because I usually run out of fresh air in the middle of the night. I always feel that the air is fully of smoke of the human flesh and hair . I struggle to breath. During the day I feel so angry that I wish I could just take a gun and go over there and kill the guy. But mostly I feel unsafe and sometimes I wonder if this was going to happen if we didnt go on holiday. I look at the kids and wonder if they blame because I blame myself. 'Only if she wasnt alone' . I cant cope and this has affected my life and my work. I could see that Iam about to lose my job but I am so angry so scared and feel so helpless. I cant think clearely and I once burst to tears in a meeting at work because I couldnt breath and my manager was on my case about something that I didnt even do. Usually I am well collected person who balance stress well but now I feel like everything is weighing heavy on me. I cry for no reason or may because I sometimes imagine the pain my sister went through. I dont want to lose my life . I love my daughter but laterly she just irritates the hell out of me like my manager. I really dont understand how people can be so cruel. Exactly how do you braai a human being like a sheep? And then carryon living a normal life. They say that he boast about it at the tarven when he is drunk.
Life is so hard these I wish my parents were still alive.

[Mitali Chaudhari]

Heya! Everthing that has happened is really very tragic. I'm so sorry for your loss. But think of your daughter you have to raise her. She is so young right now. As hard as it seems to be you have gather courage. What happened with your sister wasn't really your mistake. You don't have to blame yourself fot what has happened. I know it's hard. I know what it feels like to lose someone. I lost my father when i was young. But i really salute my mother because if not for her courage i wouldn't be the way i am today or have this lifestyle or any of it. I am really grateful to her for that. You don't want your daughter to go on the wrong track, do you? As she grows old you have to be there for her, guide her throughout until she is wise enough to take her own decisions. As much as you want to you cannot change what has already happened but please don't let it affect your future, your daughter's future. You should consider attending some motivational seminar it will really boost up your confidence.
Hope this helps. Take care.

[lindacantrell]

i entered into Depression due to divorce when my husband was turned into a hostile partner and making me hurt each time and so approached divorce lawyer Alexandria, VA got the divorce but still i'm not able to cope out of the situation.