Ugh. Friday

[Mongerx]

I should be at work, but my business partner sent me home. I can't make it through a day at work anymore. Yesterday I sent home an employee who was scheduled for a raise and promotion this weekend. I'm out of control.
I have been diagnosed with major depression for almost 10 years now. Recently it was suggested that I might have a bipolar disorder. I am as angry as an erupting volcano.
Three weeks ago I was brought to the emergency psych hospital due to suicidal ideation. At the time I had tried to come off of lexapro ( I also take Wellbutrin, Xanax and cannabis); coming off was horrible. Bad enough that I am back on a non-theraputic dosage to help the massive headaches and irritability. I surrendered my guns to my partner and she still has them.
I don't know what to do anymore. Nester day I saw a cognitive behaviorist therapist to begin counseling.
Everday ends with me being very angry, feeling totally alone and in a little twist of irony scared for my ultimate demise while fantasizing about suicide throughout the day. I need help. There are only two people left in my life who would answer a phone call from me, if I was ever inclined to call. Maybe they would.
A day in my life starts with the snooze button, a s.s.s., then running out the door. My business is less than a mile away. I grab a large coffee and get to it. I usually don't make it a solid hour before my customers, employees, emails or the phone sets me over the edge. I work as long as I can, run the banking and head home. Home life is a beer or two, a joint or two, my prescribed meds tv and sleep. Two nights a week I work from 10pm to 2 pm, overnight.
This schedule really has done a whopper on me. I don't do anything. I don't haven any friends. If my jeep broke down and I needed help with a spare or something I would have to call an employee. There are no friends I would call.
I need help. Suicidal thoughts wash over my consciousness like a persistent rogue wave. In the midst of, for lack of a better word, an episode, there is nothing else. No future over the horizon, no possibility of health.
I don't even recall the last time I had sex. I can't recall the last time I was happy for more than a few moments. I'm not sure I honestly love anyone, I surely don't love myself. I have no relationship with any extended family and my father has been out of the picture since I was very young.
I'm concerned that my partner and brother are running out of patience with me on one step but think they are assholes on the next.
I am lost. I need help. Everyday is getting more desperate. Noon on a Friday and I am in bed, in the dark a few Xanax dissolving under my tongue and a little herb smoke in the air. I'm already planning my chemical intake to keep my asleep for the day. That's the extent of my future looking. What should I do?