Its back again.

[holly61]

I'm new here, so I'm just going to dive in. After a death in the family I realize that I am slipping back into depression. I suffered most of my life with it, didn't get treatment till in my 40's. Hospitalized once. Free from it now for almost 5 years, no meds. Now I can feel it back. The sick feeling inside and the anxiety that is paralyzing. I foolishly thought I had beaten it. But its spiraling out of control and I think I have to call my MD and go in for medication again.

Does anyone ever beat this? Was it inevitable that it would return? I almost took my life before. I don't want to go down that road again. But those thoughts are creeping in. Seems I've spent my whole life wishing for it to be over. I'm not there yet, but I've always lived with thoughts of how much better I would be if life were over and I was in heaven.

Its so discouraging to have to go through this again. I really do hate this life that I have. I had such high hopes for life when I was younger. But nothing has turned out. I'm 52, lonely, and suffering from this awful disease called depression.

[Frame]

I'm 52 also and I recognize, now, that I've lived with depression most of my life. I wasn't diagnosed, however, or formaly treated until about eight years ago. I'd like to tell you that things wil be better; I'm in a bit of a dark period myself. I believe they will be better. I don't know how.

I do have question though. I'm sorry for your loss; how long has it been since this family member passed away? If you can say, I'd like to know how close you were, what they meant to you. There are a raft of coping techniques. Different ones work better (or not) in different situations.

[holly61]

Its been 3 weeks, and it was my uncle. I can't say that we were all that close, but it was sad, nevertheless. Just 3 days before he died, my aunt asked if I would go with her and her sons and daughters to meet with hospice for him. I'm a hospice nurse. I was happy to help.

I've learned to recognize the normal ups and downs and to wait out the downs. But this is different. I think the death got me to thinking about a lot of other things that I can normally keep in perspective: my own parents frail health, my lack of support systems...(no close friends, no special person in my life), I saw all my cousins at the funeral with husbands, wives, children, close and supportive of each other. All that seems to have passed me by in this life. Not for lack of trying, mind you.

I'm just not bouncing back, and in fact I know this is only going to get worse. I'm sure you understand how this depression feels inside. I think come Monday morning I'm going to have to call my MD and go in for meds.

[Frame]

I'm fairly certain that I don't know how it feels inside; because, in my experience, my depression cuts me off from the rest of the world and I'm left with just me and whatever is there on it inside. And of course that's different for each of us.

[karolanne]

Hi,

I suffered from depression and other mental illness all my life. I'm 40 now. Sometimes, when it gets better, I think that things will stay like that and that I beaten it. But my psychiatrist is always there to remind me that it will come back. So, I have to stay alert.

Take care.

[Frame]

I suffered from depression and other mental illness all my life. I'm 40 now. Sometimes, when it gets better, I think that things will stay like that and that I beaten it. But my psychiatrist is always there to remind me that it will come back. So, I have to stay alert.

So much inside such a small nugget.

It's so difficult, sometimes impossible maybe, inside this swirling mind [inside this swirling life [inside this swirling world [especially on a Monday]]], to remain alert. But that's it. I've had enough professionals tell me the same thing; it will be back. Awareness is what staves it off.

So, it's great advice on a Monday to take time throughout the day to touch something peaceful inside ourselves and remember; as surely as it may return, it will also be gone again. This, too, will pass.

[karolanne]

Yes, the most important thing in that is that it may come back, but it will certainly gone again.

Take care.

[Frame]

I have mentioned before that depression is a natural response. And given it's effect on our lives, it would be natural to want to get rid of it. But some of the most powerful tools for growth (that I have found) entail looking clearly at ourselves no matter what state or how painful.

It may be a stretch to visualize but I think it's a worthwhile exercise; consider, if you will, depression as a protective state in which we are removed from the flow of life at large. (OK, sure; you can say; "but its destructive and it hurts " ). Looking at this post and so many others, is there a choice?

Now, there you are. Or there I am, and I am looking out from the inside. I don't like what I see, inside or out. Yet we have the opportunity to see clearly. Liking or disliking has nothing to do with this. We have the opportunity to look for positive change, no matter how small, and places where we might reenter the living flow. It's a chance we do not have when immersed in our swirling lives.

So my point summed up: I don't want to be depressed, but depression continues to present me with an opportunity.

[Pilule]

Holly61,

I understand very well how you feel. In my case it never went away since I was a teenager. In the last 35 years, I had very few good days. I have a very good family and a few good friends so that's not the reason why I'm depressed. I'll never know, that's why it's better to find a cure than trying to find out why.
I don't know if you tried any medication before, if so, did it work?
If it does help you should not hesitate and take them. I know a lot of people don't like to take them, it makes them feel weak but if this is the only way to feel better than there is no shame in taking them. Unless the side effects are to severe to continue using them.
In my case, I have tried about 20 different kind of meds and countless combinations, with no success, but I never have any side effects either, so that is a plus. But I have no shame in taking them anymore and I'm willing to try anything.

[holly61]

Just wanted to thank everyone for all the kind thoughts and support. Here's an update: I went to my MD yesterday and she wrote me scripts for Wellbutrin, Lexapro and a small # of Xanax to help me relax to sleep. Waiting on the Wellbutrin still, stupid insurance won't pay for the dose my MD ordered. Still feeling bad, but with a glimmer of hope that I've taken a step in the right direction for treatment. I'm really praying that this will work and that I won't have to go through all the trials of different meds like the last time, ending with a hospital stay. I don't think I could go through that again.

Hope you are all doing well. Thanks agin!