I never matter as much to friends as they do to me

[BlackHeartApart]

I'm an artist, and I somehow managed to become good friends with one of my heroes, a great artist I admire and respect greatly. He's exactly the kind of person I want as a best friend, non-judgmental, funny, caring and kind. But being a popular artist, he has tons of friends and little time for me, so although I considered him my best friend, I knew I was little more than an acquaintance to him. But I was content to just be happy that he considers me a friend at all.

Recently, he has a new friend & they seem to talk all the time whereas he never talks to me anymore, and they're constantly drawing artwork for each other, and I recently found out they do intimate things like write stories they only show to each other. I've been pretty jealous, because he never seemed to care much for my art; I mean, he was supportive and told me he liked it, but he never drew me tons of fan art and wrote about it, and basically acted like a fan, like he does of her work. I've been trying to swallow down my jealousy and be mature, reasoning just because he likes her work more and is a fan of it doesn't mean he likes her more as a friend than me, and it doesn't make him any less my best friend. But then the new friend posted something online, showing that he had sent her a package, and it was filled with his artwork and stuff, and several original drawings he did just for her. This was like a knife in my heart, because over the course of our friendship I'd expressed how much I love his artwork, that he's my favorite artist, and I'd love to pay him for some of his original artwork. I know he's always busy and usually pressed for time, so I never even expected him to draw me anything original, I simply wanted to purchase some of his existing art which he often complained about piling up. But he'd always shrug me off, and then he sent her several pieces of his artwork, not just stuff he had laying around, but also original drawings made just for her. I feel so hurt. He's still really nice to me and says hi to me and communicates with me on various social media and encourages me in my art, but I feel like it's just a facade or something, like he doesn't really care about me like I thought he did.

I feel like a fool, because this always happens to me, where I really love someone as a friend and invest a lot in them and think they're my best friend, only to find out they don't consider me much more than a casual friend. I don't know what's wrong with me, why people don't like me and want to be my friend as much as they do with others. I'm so alone now. I have other friends, but I didn't have any other close, intimate friendships like I shared with him, confiding my deepest secrets and thoughts, and I feel so embarrassed and foolish confiding so much in him and trusting him so much, only to find out it didn't really mean anything to him.

I'm scared to try again to make a close friend because this is a pattern that keeps repeating itself throughout my life since grade school. It just hurts really badly this time because he was my mentor and hero on top of me considering him my best friend. Now I have nothing, no one. I want to continue my friendship with the new understanding that we're just casual friends and not good friends like I thought, but it hurts so much to face him, knowing he's treating someone else the way I always wanted to be treated by him. I feel ashamed too, like he was only being kind and friendly to me because he felt sorry for me when my depression was really bad and I was suicidal. I feel foolish for not seeing it before, that he's probably only been being friendly to me this whole time because he felt sorry for me. I confided in him that I have a hard time making and maintaining friendships, and it's a big source of anxiety for me, and I have a habit of latching on to super friendly people with loads of friends because they're the only people friendly and sociable enough to approach a social misfit like me, and I get excited by how interested in me they seem and how nice they are, not realizing they're like that with almost everyone. Then I get attached and feel like they're my best friend, only to find out I mean very little to them. I've had this realization so many times...last time was going to a best friend's wedding. She didn't ask me to be in her wedding, but I didn't sweat it since I knew she had older friends than me, but at the wedding I saw she had ten bridesmaids, and even though I didn't care about being in a wedding, it still hurt me pretty badly that I wasn't even in her top ten friends, when I considered her the only true friend I had at the time.

Anyway, I'm really hurting and feeling more alone than I have in a long time. I still want to continue my friendship with my mentor, but I'm wondering if it's better if I hang back and not talk to him as much...that's what I've been trying to do to get myself over my rejected feelings, and keep myself from feeling too attached when he's just a nice person and doesn't care about me in the same depth. I feel pathetic and like no one will ever want to be close friends with me, and if someone does want to be friends from now on I'm going to wonder if it's out of pity. I just wish I had that charm or charisma or whatever it is that makes people like you and want to be around you. I feel so unlikeable, and so ashamed for mistaking kindness out of pity for deep,meaningful friendship.

[fallen]

from feeling foolish we learn wisdom and better ways of approaching life and it's endless quests.
intelligence resides in our dna, wisdom in my opinion does not.
we must lose our expectations of life and what 'we think' will be or should be the out come .
take care

[BlackHeartApart]

So it's my fault for having expectations...? No offense, but this advice doesn't seem particularly helpful, and maybe even triggering for insinuating it's the depressed person's fault they're upset about the situation.

[fallen]

budhists say 'expectations can lead to unhappiness', it was not my intent to offend you . if i could take your pain away i would willingly do so .
take care

[karolanne]