Is There Help for Someone like Me?

[Charlotte]

I just need someone to understand this because I don't. At all.

My name is not really Charlotte but I don't want people to know who I am. I'm currently in college. My whole life I have suffered from unexplained mood swings and very severe emotional breakdowns that can occur without warning and completely destroy my process of thinking.

Tonight I am supposed to be writing a simple, short story about my favorite place for my English class and instead I found myself becoming confused with the directions (the directions were 'write a short story about your favorite place') and after hours of crying hysterically and feeling like the worst human alive for not understanding the text, I am here now, seeking answers.

What is wrong with me. Seriously.

My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was young. Is that what this is? But I feel like the things I become upset over don't matter. I think about the starving children and I feel so disgusting for crying over a assignment or something someone said or even over nothing at all. I feel like a waste of air and time. Why should people help me, why should I ask for help when I don't deserve it?

Sometimes I get so terrified over nothing. I sit in my dorm room in the middle of the night and I'm so scared. A couple weeks ago, I rubbed my eyes because I was crying and I saw a dark shadow. I thought it was God, angry with me for being so self-centered, and I screamed and begged for mercy. I'm not even religious.

Half the time I can't even describe what I'm thinking well enough to talk about it. My girlfriend feels bad because she says I don't talk to her. But what am I supposed to say? That sometimes I sob thinking about a writing assignment? That I feel like I can see bears and lions in shadows at night?

I feel so ridiculous. And I feel so hypocritical because I'm the kind of person that believes everyone should keep their problems to themselves.

I don't even deserve to be here.

[karolanne]

I think your situation is serious and that you should seek for a professionnal help. Try to see a doctor.

Don't be ashamed of your situation, there are a lot of people like you, particulary on this forum. We mostly all have bad periods in which we have some thinking distortion. So, tell the truth to your doctor. He may prescribe medication or want you to see a psychiatrist.

I wish you good luck.

[Charlotte]

I can't see a doctor. I'm in school. I not only can't afford it but my dad will flip out on me if my education is compromised by something so trivial.

Besides like I said, my mom has bipolar disorder. If she thinks whatever's wrong with me was passed to me by her, she's going to lose it. She's tried to kill herself multiple times when I was young and she's extremely fragile.

I don't mean to sound rude or anything but isn't there something that can at least calm down my episodes? I don't need to be cured, just something to help keep the craziness a secret, ya know? Can I change my diet or do yoga or something to stop this?

I'm willing to do anything except therapy or doctors.

[karolanne]

yoga, relaxation and meditation help. But every doc and psychiatrist I saw told me the same : the best is to do a sport or exercises everyday.

Good luck.