A little about me.

[Venefica]

I suppose I’ll post a bit of my story here. I’m a 23 year old female. I’ve been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember, but it’s been really awful since the death of my best friend, which I found out about near the end of September. She died just a few days after my birthday, but I didn’t find out until about a month later.

Before you start to think that I’m awful because I wasn’t in contact with her for a month, hear me out. The last time I saw her was a couple of days before my birthday. We were planning to get together to celebrate my birthday with a sort of girl’s night out whenever she got a day free from work. She was working on the actual day of my birthday, which is why we were planning beforehand. The day of my birthday, I got slammed with an awful headache. I’m talking horrible pain; it felt like someone was crushing my skull. This pain continued until September, when I was finally healed enough to go visit my friend. She hadn’t called in that time, and I assumed that she’d just been busy working.

The headaches had me out of commission for a while; I wasn’t able to do anything except beg for something for the pain. I was literally begging to be taken to the ER for a needle to put me out for a few hours - and I normally hate needles.

By the time the pain finally left (the doctors still can’t tell me why it happened in the first place) my friend was dead. Her family hadn’t even bothered to call and tell me. I was in shock. She was cremated, and her brother in another town has her ashes, so I have nowhere to visit. They don’t know why she died, either. All I know is that she just didn’t wake up for work one morning.

After her death, I was just in shock. I attempted suicide about a week after, and then spent some time in the hospital. I’m still having trouble accepting her death, even though it’s been a few months.

Anyway, without her, I don’t have anyone to talk to. She was the shining light in my life that kept my depression at bay for a while. Since I’ve gotten out of the hospital, my depression has gotten steadily worse. I’m not sure how to put my feelings of late into words. There’s just no one there for me. I feel like I’m constantly in a fog, I’m sleeping 12 -15 hours a night, and still feeling extremely tired through the day.

The doctor at the hospital put me on Remeron, but it isn’t helping me at all. About the only thing it has done is make me gain weight. But I can’t get anyone to change it. My family doctor tells me to see a psychiatrist, but I can’t get in to see one until April! I think getting my medicine changed would be a big step forward, but no one is helping me with this. Plus, I have no medical insurance whatsoever, so I have to get whatever is cheap.

This has all been a very long, very hard battle. And I haven’t even won a single skirmish yet.

[shatteredhopes]

So sorry to hear your tragic tale friend. Even though you don't have a place to visit, I suggest to you talk to her...my father died a year ago and I talk to him all the time...he doesn't answer but I feel his presence sometimes and it helps me to feel he's still with me.

Are you in the U.S.? If so call social services about community mental health and see if you can get in sooner. Please tell your family doctor you NEED to switch meds, there are tons out there in generic form that are inexpensive to try...but remember antidepressants can take sometimes 4-6 weeks or longer to start to have an effect. Plus when you have circumstances or situations that are depressing, such as you do, the medication doesn't do as much as if you just had a chemical imbalance I've found...but it can help a little.

I hope there are little things you can do for yourself to comfort yourself. For instance, I take hot bubble baths or drink hot cocoa...sometimes the little things help a lot...and posting here helps me as does knowing people care when they respond.

We care and are glad you are here and I hope you can get in to see a doctor or therapist sooner! Go back to the hospital if you need to, just please hang on dear one...things are mighty tough now but you are young and will have much to enjoy in your life ahead and there is hope for you and things can turn around with time...grieving unfortunately just takes time...so sorry for your loss.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[Misty]

Venefica,
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. There's no easy way to get over the death of someone close but it is true that time makes it more tolerable. You just need to let your feeling out and keep busy so as not to dwell on it. If you don't have family support see if there is a group in your area or even online that deals with grief. I went through it too and it really does help by just talking about it. There are great people here so you aren't alone and just remember that you will get through this!

Take Care,
Misty