I've got a great job. Seemingly lots of friends. I'm always happy. I go running, I go to the gym, I play football. When I go out I have a great time. Everyone thinks I'm just very happy and stable, and I always have been.
In February my wife and I separated after 7 years married. Now we're divorcing. It's amicable, we're not against each other. We had a miscarriage in Dec 2012 and all of 2013 has been us drifting apart. We have one son, 6, whom I love with every atom of my body, and his brother, 8, is from her previous marriage is also 'my' son as we met when he was just 6 months old.
She's found someone new already back in March (!) (wow, so soon) but I'm ok with that because we can't be together. Neither she nor I want it.
I met someone a few weeks ago. I felt so lucky, she was perfect. it was amazing we both really hit it off and it was all going great until she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. The only words she left out were 'with you' and 'ever'. She hasn't spoken to me since. I think this has plunged me into despair. I had a few unsuccessful dates before that and I just feel so lonely. It's like life said to me: Here's the best feeling in the world ..... And then said ..... But now here's the worst. BAM.
So this isn't just me suffering from Dumpsville... This is me sad that my marriage failed, sad that I am not with my boys every day (esp my own son), sad that they're gradually getting a new dad, sad that my best friends moved away ... One to Melbourne Australia, the other to start his new life with his pregnant wife. All my other friends, are my ex-wife's and our friends, couples, with kids, and I just can't see them any more. It's weird. And all the friends I go out with are work related and they quite simply don't know me. And on top of that I met someone and, well I'm very sensitive and loving, too much so, so to top it off, bizarre as it may sound I've just had my heart partially broken again while I was repairing it. I can't see what my life can offer me.
One of my friends texted me on Thu night 'we're out for a drink, come out' I replied 'Sorry I'm at home wallowing in depression' ... Her reply "ok". She's not a friend! If I was actually on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, that response would have tipped the balance. Luckily I was moping on my bed.
But .... Hey .... I keep fit, I run, I play football, I go to the gym, I read, I love to laugh ... So why am I very very sad. I think depressed. I'm sure of it. Whether it's now setting in, or just a dip in my otherwise stable, happy personality ... Who knows BUT I'm taking steps in the wrong direction.
I keep crying. (I have no idea why). I cried after facetime with my boys the other day. I held it in at work all day, then when the last person left the office he said 'not coming for a drink?' .. I burbled a reply, or shook my head... 'Youve been quiet today are you ok?' he said ... I nodded and as he said bye and the door closed I just burst into tears. I've no idea what's wrong with me.
I keep having suicidal thoughts ... I'm sure you know the ones: no-one will care if I'm not here any more, no-one will notice if I'm not here, the people closest to me will be sad but get over me, it's better for me and everyone if I'm just not here ... Etc
And then I think of different ways of doing it. My office block is 10 floors up. It wouldn't be too difficult.
I even made a statement today at work in the office, I said "Just to let everyone know, I think I may be clinically depressed - how tough is this window?". And then I dialled into a conference call I was due to be on.
One person looked up and considered what I said. I saw him out the corner of my eye. Everyone else just thought I was joking because one of my projects was being problematic ... And I'm ALWAYS so happy.
I am crying out for help ... People aren't seeing the signs. Can I be any more obvious ??????????? I don't want to speak to Samaritans or talk lines. I don't want to see a doctor. I'm depressed, it's not what you want to do when you feel like this, after a certain point, right ? Well I don't anyway. Even typing it, logically I can see I'm recognising all the signs but it's meaningless to me. I mean ... I did sprints at the gym today after work, I then did weights ... This is self improvement !!! But then while I was getting changed .... Suicide thoughts again.... I know it doesn't make sense, if you've read this far you probably have better idea of how mixed up I am then me... Again, logically I can see all this happening, I'm not ready to jump off an office block yet, but I'm certainly heading down that path ... Maybe I'll get there, maybe I won't. I assume this is the cry for help stage.
I deactivated facebook an hour ago, so I've cut myself off from people .... Although I didn't delete facebook .... Yet ....then I google suicide sites, and found some, then I found my way here.
I'm just so sad. This is me last Saturday in Berlin. (before Dumpsville added to my woes). Below that is two pics of my wife(ex) and me in happier times. And below that, me at the gym after my sprint session today. Why would I be depressed, look at me ... I'm not that much of a loser am I ?
I think if I didn't have my son. I would be dead bnd in fact, if anything ever happened to him, I know I would kill myself. This is how fragile I feel right now.
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