Hello! My name is Lindsey. I am 25 years old and I live in Nashville, Tennessee. I have a full time job in the area of my college major. I feel complacent there, but I'm afraid to try something new because it's currently paying the bills.
Anyways. A lot of people who know me would find it hard to believe that I am depressed and full of anxiety. I think I hide it well from friends...not so much family. They are aware of my struggles. They don't know ALL of it, but they do know of some just because of how I present myself around them.
I don't fit the mold of the stereotypical "depressed person" that we all see on TV. I love to exercise. I love being outdoors. If a friend needs me, I'm the first one they call. If a friend wants to go do something, I'm always up for it (even if I really don't want to, but honestly I do it because I want to be around someone). I'll tall. I'm in shape. I have dirty blonde hair. I exercise every day. I have a job. I have my own house. I have a cute little doggie. I don't come from a divorced household. I go to church.
However, none of this has brought me joy. It's great to have physical and material things...it's another to have emotional. I feel as though I've never had that. Like I said, my parents aren't divorced, but I never was really given affection or shown how to open up with my emotions. It was always shallow and surfaced. No one talked about their problems. So I never did either.
I struggle to be social around people I don't know. And even if I'm with my group of friends, I struggle to REALLY fit in. I usually am quiet and reserved if I can't think of anything to say. I'm almost positive that they invite me places because 1. they know I will say yes, 2. they know I dont have many other friends, and 3. they know I'm just nice and pleasant to be around. I dont cause drama. However, they don't know me DEEPLY, and neither do I for them. I guess that all goes back to how my family is when I was growing up. It's just very surface.
I've never really had a boyfriend. I promise I'm not conceited or anything, but I don't struggle with my looks that much (no more than typical girls! ha!). I'm 5'7, brown eyes, have dirty blonde hair, fit because of exercise, etc. However, I know that my biggest downfall is my ability to exude confidence. I simply don't have it. I feel insecure around guys simply because I'm afraid I'm going to say something dumb, or smile the wrong way, or not say the thing they're wanting to hear, etc. I don't go to bars because of my anxiety around groups of unknown people. I don't meet new guys out at random places because I'm even too nervous to make eye contact and initiate that connection. I'm just not confident! And every year that goes by, my confidence decreases. I'm surprised if I have any left. And I'm sure they can pick up on that.
I do have anxiety as well. I run things through my head over and over again, usually with the worst case scenario. I always think I'm gonna be late when I go somewhere and freak out about it haha. I always arrive 15 minutes before I'm really supposed to be there! Can't ever say that I've been late before ha. It's the perfectionist side of me I guess.
I dont take any medication..but I've thought about it. I've been in email convos with my WONDERFUL pastor about this. He isn't against it whatsoever and thinks that if that's what I think I need, then I should do it. However, I am worried about the side effects. I don't want to CHANGE myself... but then again, I do. I'm sure that doesnt make any sense, but its the only way I can describe it. I'm still trying to figure out what to do.
I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of not having anyone to DEEPLY connect with. I'm tired of just feeling like a nobody. I'm hoping that this website can help with my inability to express myself. Maybe talking to a complete stranger will help. I don't know.
Congratulations if you read this whole thing! I'm sure I wrote too much..but I just rambled. Sorry!!
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