Just another human being

[ShadowSelf]

Greetings and salutations to all.

I am just another human being, wondering what it means to be a human.
This particular neutral state of being has taken years to get to, as life has proven to be vastly different from what one would expect of it...

The story starts off well enough, with the usual blissful childhood. As I progressed into the public education system it became sickeningly clear that I didn't fit in with the other children... A revelation that was all too readily reinforced by the 'friends' and tormentors that brought Hell into my daily life for thier own pleasure. The downward spiral into the unfathomable abyss begins...

I soon withdrew into myself, and over time I began to despise myself twice as much as the echoed sentiments from the bullies did. Genetics began playing cruel pranks on me as well, with the onset of hair loss at 15 adding to the misery and reasons to hate myself. Soon school was abandoned in favor of avoiding others, though I could have done so much better [intelligence was not a valued commodity at our establishment] I got the GED and left the madness of high school behind... Well, one would think that anyways.

The few and far between relationships that I have had with women always end in an apocalyptic 'slash and burn' break-up, once the woman is done strip-mining my soul for as much as she can get, that is... Truth be told, I brought those tragedies upon myself - My motto until recently was "It is better to be abused than ignored", and even though that has been abandoned as I gain some toehold towards being worthwhile I still seem to practice it by heart. The last liason was particularly heinous... Folks, I am still wandering around in the ashes of that horror, as much as I hate to admit it, and every action I have taken since that sorrowful time has been a vain attempt to move onward... I can't seem to make it very far before the sorrow drags me back in chains.

Part of me wants to progress, to begin anew the kind of life that I have always wanted, yet whenever the time for action comes about the action never comes. It's like I hit a stone wall, and as I try to circumnavigate that wall its sides come closing in and envelop me, leaving me at a standstill... Most of the people I know have no idea how bad things really are, primarily because I have honed the facade that they see to perfection after years of torment and self-loathing [I would never want to cause them grief, so it''s all smiles and jokes... ] so I came here to see if the answers I seek may be in this forum.

I thank you for your time and I sincerely hope that you find what you are looking for

R

[ButterflyKisses]

((((R)))) Feel that you are not alone. Many of us here feel the same way. I have always felt that I live in a glass/mirrored house. I can see out to what seems to be others living a perfect life (even though I know there is no such thing) and the mirrors keep me looking at my own life and what a mess it truely is.

I too have had miserable relationships and that have crashed and burned so to speak.

I admire your articulateness in your writting. Such depth, and vividness. Your breathtaking words captured me into your life. I hope your next life chapter will be a happier one. What color your words would bring to a happier life story. I'm sure that you will find it, as we all are looking for our own.

Best wishes, and take care

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

R,

Thank you for sharing. Life continues even after relationships, the journey we travel alone, looking deep within yourself, seeking answers, so hard to do.

Answers, they are there, so I am told, finding the way to do that seems to be the stone wall. Guess it is what we do with what we have left that really counts.

Think investing in a welding torch would be one answer to break those "chains of love". Would certainly be one way to tell your heart to knock it off.

At the moment, I too am learning to go on with life, by myself. A decision made involving me but not by me. Not an easy task to do but determination will get us both to the point we so desperately need.

Hope you make it into the chat room. Caring people in there, understanding depression and heartache. Looking forward to reading more from you or perhaps chatting with you in there. Take care.

Warmie

[Stephen]

Hi ShadowSelf,

I've not spoken to you for a while in the depression support room, and was wondering how you're doing.

I'm also waiting with great anticipation for your next blog entry:

www.depression-understood.org/blogs/index.php?blog=14 -- for those that don't know where ShadowSelf's blog is located.

Talk soon, I hope,

Stephen

[Ryaninatree]

Shadow self you really should be a writer if you are not already. I'm truly noticing a correlation between depression and people who are in touch with their feelings. Hope to talk with you in chat.

Ryaninatree

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((( ShadowSelf ))))))))))))))))))

Hey buddy, where are you, you doing all right? Been way to long. Hope to hear from you soon.

Warmie/Jeanie

[JudeB]

You are an amazing writer! I hope you put that in your list of virtues. The faults list is getting too crowded.

I am jealous of your writing ability. Ever since I was a child I wanted to be a writer. But, you have a natural way with words that I do not have.
I do hope you appreciate your gift. Because I can sure appreciate your gift.
Thanks!

(fairly sure that my only gift is a warped sense of humor. And not quite sure that IS a gift and not a curse.)

Keep writing, please. You write from the heart and we all need more of that.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((( ShadowSelf )))))))))))))))))))))))

Just a warm hug sent your way from me. Take care.

Warmie/Jeanie