****Where It All Started (1993 to 1994)
My depression began at age 9 as far as I remember. I had just gone to the 4th grade & was a part of an educational experiment called TAG. TAG stood for Talented & Gifted. In my school, there was only 1 TAG class, which consisted of students from the 4th, 5th & 6th grades.
I'm going to say this: It doesn't work.
That was the birth of my Hell. I didn't understand what happened & why other students in my school disliked me & some other people in that class at first.
What I didn't realize was that being in TAG made the 'chosen' students "special" & in a sense different from every one else. When we were selected, it was never our intent personally to be "above" others but that was how it came off & that's what the distinction did.
I now realize that the WHOLE school should have a TAG school. It might have still created problems, but then all schools in the area could have been TAG schools.
It was very hard adjusting & the reason I never fit is that I have always been an odd person (old soul/kindred spirit).
I differed from the average student in that I had hair on my legs, which was basically a no-no, & the fact that I hadn't permed my hair. I also didn't wear makeup or nail polish or have a short skirt as a kid. (We wore uniforms to school.) In addition, I wore glasses, didn't gossip, didn't have a boyfriend/wasn't really into that, & was top of the class. It was not in my nature to give people answers as well.
Who told me, a then 4th grader, that I could be top of the class (& not give out answers to boot)? That's the attitude I got from them.
My fellow classmates couldn't change me (even though they tried), so they bullied me instead.
& the teacher of the class was such a ditz that she even had "Air Your Laundry" Sessions, where we could talk about "problems" & other students we didn't like. It was so absurd.
Not only was I disliked in my own class, it got so out of control that all 3 of the 6th grade classes in my school hated me. There were roughly 30 students in each class.
A typical day at school for me involved being called just about every obscenity in the book I could be called either at the beginning of school or on lunch. At lunch, they either stayed away from me or bothered me by in some way (e.g. teasing, shouting mean stuff, occasional pushing/shoving, etc.)
I didn't know what to do.
The principal was very delusional & said that "bullying" didn't happen in her school. That's how she dealt with it. Yeah right. Talking to her was pointless. I doubt she would have been able to help me any way. She certainly couldn't be with me every place I went and neither could my parents.
I was pretty much frightened to go to school but went any way & got good grades any way. I cried about every night 'cause I was so stressed out. I used to throw things at my wall & destroy stuff & scream & total my room to vent.
My parents told me to stop destroying things & that I couldn't do that, so I kept every thing to myself. & the spiral & descent into an abyss officially began. As far as I was concerned, they didn't want to hear about it, so I bottled every thing.
I hated being in such a situation. Moving to another school was out of the question because you have to stay in your district. The school was also pretty close to home & my parents would not have to break their backs trying to get to work & time & drop me to a much farther away school.
After about 1/2 of the school year, I stopped crying every night. What I have to thank for that is the movie called THE CROW, starring Brandon Lee & for his role & the content, he became my hero instantly. Even though he's passed on, he's still my hero.
I got through the year, but the damage had been done. My grades didn't suffer, though.
****1st S-Thought (????)
The 1st time I recall have an S-Thought, I was playing in the backyard on the porch. My parents had gotten me these cooking type toys, so there were pots, cups & plates. Elmo or some one of those characters might have been on them but I really don't remember clearly. The plates & cups were white with red checker boxes & the pot was basically yellow with white some place + the red checker boxes. I believe there were some spoon, knife, fork sets.
All the utensils could fit in the palm of your hand.
I had had them for a while & that day I mixed up a witches brew. In my head, I was "cooking". In that moment, I thought about poisoning myself. I kept stirring every thing. I don't recall what I mixed, but I knew it wasn't edible.
I looked at the concoction for a while, kept stirring it & was tempted but eventually threw it out & put up my toy pots. I don't think I ever used them again.
That might have happened when I was 9 or 10. I don't remember when it happened exactly.
****Reason for Later S-Attempt (I am not glorifying this at all.)
> Tired, Coping Mechanism in Bad Need of Repair/Upgrading, Loss of Control; Broke Down & didn't have a proper support system in place
> I felt I had no one.
> I was trained to keep every thing to myself. Where I come from, people don't talk through or are really allowed to discuss what's bothering them, especially mental health related stuff. Often times, it's used against you. Nothing is sacred, not even when you go to the doctor. HIPAA is often times not upheld.
> Even when I asked for help, a lot of the time people couldn't understand what I was saying. In short, they weren't equipped. Of course, I also got classic lines to "Get over it" & that "It's all in your head".
----I want to make something clear right now. Hopefully, other people will avoid my tragic error.
While I did not ever take myself seriously enough to premeditate my own death (which is why I'm alive today & why what I took didn't happen to be lethal enough), I FAILED TO PLAN WHAT I WOULD DO, IF I EVER DID MAKE GOOD ON MY THOUGHT. THAT'S WHERE I WENT WRONG.
To be honest, I never really thought I would attempt it. There's something called damage control; it needs to be done a much as is possible. I didn't realize that.
****Reasons Not to Do It (S)
> Possible Eternal Stigma (It follows you everywhere & it seems as though you cannot ever talk about it, if you are to have a chance at making friends or any thing else. It's just better if you don't tell people about it. It's only okay in certain places/circles.)
> Possible Eternal Disgrace/Dishonor (maybe except in certain cultures)
> See Section further down the page called ****Supposed End All + Aftermath
****Bullying Continues: Different People, Same Set of Crap (1996, 1998)
I was okay in between my 1st bullying situation & the beginning of the 2nd bout of it. The reason I was bullied was that I was a very gentle person for the most part. I was soft. I've been soft for about 98% of my life. I still haven't physically fought any one a day in my life.
I guess that's my fatal flaw (hamartia).
I never bothered to fight people because I grew up like an only child & didn't have any one who had my back where I went to school. My brother is 7 years older than I am, so he left for college before I even completed elementary school.
I might have stood up to people more, if I knew I had people in my corner. I didn't have any one who could help me with my battles. I also wasn't entirely sure I could win a fight either & if I'm not going to win & then it's not worth it. Wearing glasses didn't help either & I never really wore those elastic string band things to keep them on my face. My eyes are really bad so breaking my glasses was out of the question. Almost every thing has to be custom done, right down to my contacts.
To boot, I didn't study martial arts/self-defense. To be honest, it really did not interest me, until much much later in my life. If I had confronted the people who bothered me & slammed them hard for it, I doubt I would have such a bad mental climate in my head.
I was also an "educator's" child. My dad was an administrator in the education system where I live & so I would have been highly criticized had I shown the aggression necessary to quell & handle the bullying. My dad asked me to walk a straight line & that was what I did to a fault.
Over the years, I have noticed that "educators' " children get the business can't done. Either the adults pick on them or the students do it. So many teachers are mean & do every thing to fail the "educator's" child. It's sick.
In the 7th grade, my 1st year in junior high, I am bullied again. This girl takes a dislike to me quickly & I didn't do her any thing. Of course, I know it doesn't require doing any thing to be disliked/hated. She pissed off that one day in PE class that I went off on her because she kept bumping me + pushing/shoving/hitting me in flag football. The problem was that she would purposely come near me to do it, even if I were no where near the person who the ball & I never had the ball & I was always never near the person with the ball.
She bumped me one time too many & I lost it & cursed. The next time she came to bump me I put all my power/strength into one blow & hit her as hard as I could. She went with her lame self running to the teacher to try to get me in trouble.
He called me over & started telling me to stop my nonsense & my ignorance & I told his behind off too, & I shouted. I was sick of this mess.
I let him know she had been bothering me in just about every class. (We were in teams + sections, so we all had the same teachers + same classes.) I only got some peace when we had our electives 'cause she was in a different class.
Hey now. I was ready to drag her rass all across the field & beat her in the head. After that, her antics toned down a bit.
I got seriously tired of it all.
I was able to deal with her, though, because I didn't have an entire class bullying me. (Thank goodness.) They were such dishonorable people. They let her do their dirty work for them.
I was very glad she stopped bothering me because I was really in a bad frame of mind after all the time I had given her her space & had started dreaming about how I would deal with her. Let's just say it involved a butcher knife + a freezer. I'm glad I didn't EVER have to go there. Violence really is not my thing.
Alright. I get to high school & there's this girl who just decides she's going to bug me. I didn't bother with her. She had very masculine behavior & would tell me that I needed to shave my legs.
I was mad, but at the same time, it was comical 'cause it was ridiculous what she would bother me over. I hate to say it, but almost every time we argued, it looked like a lover's spat. I couldn't really take her too seriously.
I just sort of asked myself, "What is this? How did I get here?" I never felt too threatened, so I ignored her for the most part. Every time she saw me, she had to get into something with me. I think she might have liked me & wanted to be friends but didn't know how to express it. I didn't really allow people near me so nothing ever developed out of it. No big deal.
That was the 1st time I was bullied/harrassed where I really wasn't THAT upset over it happening. It was more like, "Whatever." It just struck me as, "I'm going to mess with you, just for the sake of doing so."
For the people who told me why they disliked me, they said that I acted all high + mighty. I have never been that way in my life, but I didn't go out of my way much to please others. I pretty much almost always kept to myself to avoid problems. I knew the other students didn't like me, so there was no point in pretending. A lot of them who got close to me turned on me in the end.
My grades were a problem often times because the teacher could not curve grades, since I had scored so high most times. I also didn't like most things other kids my age liked & I spoke proper English vs the dialect.
****Random Happenings in High School
At the end of the 9th grade, I lost pieces of myself. This continued well into college. I always tried to recover them but never could. I started losing interest in things I liked, but it wasn't as severe.
Some time during high school, I started to become ill, but I was never really diagnosed & the condition stopped.
A few times when I woke up from a night's rest, I could not move. It was as though I suffered temporary paralysis. One time when I was lying on the floor for a long time 'cause I loved to be on the floor, I couldn't move when I tried to get up from there. I didn't scream for help that time 'cause I was on the phone with my best friend at the time, so we just talked until I could move. It took about 2 hrs before I could move my limbs. For the time I was in bed, it took somewhere between 30 mins to 1 hour to be able to move. It was scary stuff.
& me being the silly kid I was, I never really screamed for help. Actually, I couldn't even talk the first time it happened. I was so terrified & shocked. I also didn't think any one would believe me. My body would just randomly not allow me to move or do any thing else. It was like being trapped inside my body & not being able do any thing. This happened about 3 times total & after that, it never happened again.
I told the doctor & she just sort of stared at me + didn't believe me, thinking I was crazy.
I also "hyperventilated" at random times, too. As far as I knew, I never had asthma, but yet it would feel as though I could not breathe at the time or had just ran a marathon & was trying to catch my breathe ultra badly.
It was a loud uncontrollable wheezing of sorts. I did a breathing test but could never complete one. I tried several times & nearly passed out attempting to exhale long enough to get conclusive results. It just didn't happen. It almost sounded like I was crying (the wheezing). It was weird.
****Extra-Curricular Activities
> Dance
> Classical/Opera Singing
> Some Piano (I haven't practiced since my piano teacher died. He was diabetic.)
Present: I don't do these much now at all.
****Odd Medical Happenings in Elementary School to Present
> Period came early (3rd grade, 9 years old) & then stopped. It's now very irregular. It tends to be regular sometimes if I'm having sex. Otherwise, sometimes it skips a month or two or three. The longest it didn't come was 6 months. I've gone to the doctor, done several different tests to see if there's a problem. They even checked for cancer. Nothing was ever wrong.
> Anemic (One time)
> Gray Hair (I get odd waves of gray hair on my head every few years. The 1st wave was in the 3rd grade & the 2nd wave was maybe in high school or college. Then my hair would go back to being jet black like it should be for my age. The 3rd wave involves having gray/white body hair, which was pretty shocking.)
> PMS/PMDD (Sometimes I get this but often times a period doesn't come.)
> Overwhelming body hair for virtually all my life (I usually have more hair on my legs than a lot of dudes. I've tried just about every thing except waxing; I'm not inclined to wax myself for the 1st time ever in my life. I've asked around where I live if there were any waxing salons but most people only do facial hair.)
> Quirk: I can be very clumsy as a girl & I've always been that way. (For example, I usually have a hard time matching, so I will often stick to solid colors. I don't usually wear makeup & can't put it on to date & am not really interested in knowing how to put it on either. I'm not sure why that is, but I've taken note of it.)
It's just sort of weird that I often wonder if I were supposed to have been different gender. However, I am what I am & I embrace that. I do take after my Dad a lot. We even gain weight in the same spots/have the same trouble spots (stomach).
Edit--Addition: I used to have chest pain when I slept on my side. I think it was my left side, but I don't really remember. All I knew was that when I slept on my back, I didn't have problems.
****High School Graduation Blow
I was a part of another educational experiment when those dimwits up at headquarters implemented block scheduling.
What was dumb about it was that the # of credits (21) needed to graduate was not changed until way, way, way after I came out of high school. I had basically finished all of my courses & with credits to spare after 3 years.
I would have gone to early admissions at the University, but there was no policy in place that addressed it, so I didn't do it.
There was a driving course + School to Work, but again there was no policy, so I did not trouble them.
From the time I got to high school, I aced all my courses & got a 4.0 (100). When I "graduated", I came out with a 99.391 & was 1st in my class, 1st in the entire school the entire I was there. I was proud of myself; I worked really hard & did what needed to be done to be on top. This meant I didn't go to the movies or relax. In short, I was a true valedictorian, due to insane studying. Almost every waking moment was spent studying or dancing or something. I stayed up however long it took to complete my assignments. My parents never pushed me; I pushed myself.
The blow came when the principal banned me from the graduation because I came out of school in 3 years. He invoked all of these "policies" that had not been approved by the Commissioner of Education to block me. No one stopped the principal, not the superintendent, not the Commisioner, not any of the Deputies, not the Governor who had been in Education before he became governor.
The principal was upheld in his wrongdoing. He lied to us & said it would not be a problem with my graduating early. How could it be one? I had all the credits needed to graduate any way! A week after the ceremony the school conferred my diploma. There was nothing that could be done & I was robbed. I would have been eligible for a scholarship from the local university for being the top & had that taken away from me.
Under normal circumstances, it'd be water under the bridge, but this was too dirty.
The students for that "class" (2001) felt I was doing their valedictorian wrong. The only way schools determined a valedictorian back then was by GPA. She had a 92.something or 93 & I had a 99.something. There was no contest.
That's as clear a situation as it ever could be. The students of the class were so incredibly STUPID & so were those idiots at headquarters who created the problem in the first place. I completed the same 21 credits as every one else.
They tried to say I took "easy" courses. Dumb, dumb, dumb, DUMB! I was a part of the school choir & did that all 3 of my years in high school. However, it only appeared ONCE on my transcript as I only ever took it officially ONE TIME. All the other years I did it I went on my lunch break in my spare time to practice.
I didn't take AP courses because that was experimental & to be honest, I had no interest in taking them. I also didn't bother with Calculus because by this time all the teachers were trying to fail me. Furthermore, the gentleman teaching the course was not very good at it either. That was the word out on the street. Yup. That's how much these folk love education & children.
I haven't received an apology to date & will most likely never get one. I can keep holding my breath for that one. THESE PEOPLE ARE CORRUPT.
Every one stood by & let it happen. Other students from my class rejoiced because I was now out of the picture and they could claim 1st & 2nd place.
Yet, they did not prosper. Meh son, a good for their rass... I'm not even going to pretend I felt sorry for them. That was my satisfaction. THE SAME PRINCIPAL, who was allowed to do what he wanted, ROBBED THE NEXT CLASS & the guy who was 1st came in 2nd (just barely). A good for their rass...
Again, I never bothered the principal or any one & was never rude & that's what I got for it. I also didn't kiss people asses (as if I'm beneath them). I didn't do it then & I don't do it now. We're equals, if any thing.
#### I will tell you my theory later about why all of this happened. It's sick, but I believe that it is the truth.####
My biggest problem with what happened was that I got no justice. If heaven exists & the people who let the whole thing happen needed my forgiveness to enter, I would see them all in Hell & kick them while there for it, too.
As much as I wanted to go to the graduation & create a bloodbath for what transpired, I still valued my life at that point & didn't do any thing rash that would land me in jail.
I left it all well alone.
Some dimwit from Downtown (Nickname for Education HQ) gave me my diploma + magic markered my name on it. She was so ridiculously dumb. Of course, I refused it & made HQ give me something of archivable quality.
****Setback of Being an Educator's Child & Top Student
> I was always tested. There wasn't a day's break. The teachers always threw curve balls my way & would often times only penalize me, if I didn't get it right. According to them, you know, I should have known whatever it was. People said my parents were doing my work for me, which was totally FALSE. The reason I got ahead was that they spent a lot of money buying books + other resources & I studied them. They took me to the library & so forth.
> Perfection is all there is.
> You can't win if you're smart. You can't win if you're just average & you especially can't win if you don't take crap off of other students, even if it means fighting.Your every move is recorded, watched & criticized. There's a lot of pressure. The minute you slip up, EVERYBODY has something to say & usually the first thing that comes out of people' mouths is, "You should have known better."
You can't make a mistake or an error in judgment. Hardly any one supports you because you've "got it so good". It's a bunch of bull.
It's something else.
****College (2001 to 2005)
> Teasing/Intimidation (Mild, 1st year)
> Disrespect (Guy Told Me to Shutup in Class in Front of the Professor During Class, so I stopped participating in class)
> Toxic Boyfriends
> Near Rape + Counseling for Panic Attacks
> Self-Professed Boyfriend I didn't want who knew of my near rape & knew the guy who did it whom I later cursed when he told me he loved me after making my life miserable for years, even after pulling away from him... His behavior was too creepy for me.
> Social Isolation (My university had this ACT 101 Program that got students to the school. The problem is that they came from harsh situations & there was little to no academic atmosphere at the school. I did not identify with most people there.)
> More Frequent Depression (My school was out in the middle of nowhere in the boondocks & getting basic toiletries was difficult. I had to order stuff online a lot.)
> Betrayal (This will be a separate section.)
> Seizure (Stressing about a grade in the only course where I didn't complete the paper & it was never being offered again. I had problems sleeping & later fell out shortly after I got my grades in the mail & had seen I had passed. Something happened to my brain after it & I have no memory of it. I draw a blank about what happened to date. I believe my hyperventilation + temporary paralysis a few years earlier was the start of seizing.)
> Graduation (I lost "friends" that day, but that's alright; I didn't need them any way. They were shallow & more jealous than I originally thought. This girl who was my best "friend" tried to harm me & steal my then boyfriend. It was absurd.)
****Post-Undergraduate
> Setbacks with going to graduate school
> Needed a Break, Unraveling, Family Pushes Me to Keep Going (& so I do to keep my insurance coverage which I lost any way)
****Graduate School
> Social Isolation (Interesting; I was often the only brown-skinned person in class. People had vicious dogs that acted up for no reason, except for the fact maybe that I was brown skinned. I don't know.)
> Badly Maladjusted
> Withdrawal from School
****Supposed End All + Aftermath
> http://www.depression-understood.org/fo ... php?t=4988
> http://www.depression-understood.org/fo ... php?t=2876 (What I didn't say was that if you survive, pray that your insurance will cover you.)
****Semi Recovery
> http://depression-understood.org/forum/ ... php?t=5013
****Parent Diagnosed With Cancer, Surgery Not Done Yet for Other
> Achieved Some Independence & Actually Functioned (A Highlight of Life)
****Remnants
> Struggle Today Still (Depression/Anxiety/Disorganization, but nowhere near as bad as it used to be; still a roadblock, makes functioning hard as usual)
****Possible Immediate Environmental Factors for Depression/Stress
> I live on an island that's about 84 sq miles. I always feel trapped, even though I live on the biggest one of the four!
> Bad smells (Waste Management does not do a good job. People don't care about the environment.)
> People my age are either in jail or dead.
> People are either insincere or non-genuine & don't mean you any good. It never used to be this bad!
> A lot of the young people or people my age have relocated, so all that's left are youngsters & older people.
> Crime Rate is High (Almost every day some one is killed brutally. There has been an especial rise in domestic violence in the form of murder-suicides or homicides or just plain abuse. A lot of women are being buried lately for this & no one is clearly coming out + saying it's wrong.
Here's the latest buzz around here. This guy nearly killed his girlfriend because he told her to not to go out to this club & she did. Someone called him & told him she was there at that place. He demands that she must come with him at once. She doesn't make a fuss. She goes with him peacefully.... & what does the guy do?
He threatens to kill her & her family. He told her that he would bury her & that nobody would ever find her. After hearing that, she tried to jump out the vehicle, & she did not manage to escape because he grabbed her by her hair.
If that weren't bad enough, he then dragged her while driving the car. She was on outside of the car. She suffered two broken ankles & other broken bones. Her hair had almost been ripped out of her scalp or was ripped out in places.
After every thing happened, she didn't go to the police initially, out of fear. He stayed with her to make sure she kept quiet.
I am afraid to try to "date" people. I'm sorry, but I do not want to be a statistic. I don't want to be a victim. I refuse. I have no intention of dying violently; after all, I have a low tolerance for pain but that's besides the point.
I'm thinking of learning self-defense/martial arts & how to fire a gun + actually acquiring one to use as a last resort BEFORE I EVEN flirt or attempt to date.
I have no intention of killing any one, but it is too darn dangerous around here.)
> HIV/STD Rate is High (I'm not a statistic.)
> I live with my parents while I've been recovering, but I really need my own space + more space. (It's in the works.) Unfortunately, they contribute to my depression, especially my mother. We don't have a good relationship any way. She has issues with her mom & I have issues with her. The cycle did not break.
> Almost every thing falls on me to do in the house. I don't have a problem with that per se, but it's annoying when people make messes, leave it there & don't help to maintain the order. It's very discouraging & I've given up on trying to be neat in my own space a few times. I mean I can't clean the side of the house I'm on & not clean the kitchen or sweep + mop the floor. I have an especial pet peeve about a dusty or cluttered porch. That just drives me up the wall to no end! Ah!!!!
If I don't wash the cars, it doesn't get done (& we've had this bad volcanic ash + Sahara dust lately).
If I don't break my a*s to clean the stove, it doesn't get done. T.T My parents don't understand how to use the electric stove.... ~lol~ It's a nightmare & nothing bugs me more than a dirty stove! Ugh!
The same thing goes for the counter, the fridge, etc. Oh well....
> Hurricane Season
> Not Being in School/Universities I've Applied to not being Professional
> Godfather + Parent's Friends (One of my parents "friends" tried to slander me about a week + 1/2 ago by spreading some rumor about me around the community about how I was going with a guy + he thought we would've been married, since we were so much of an item. The "friend" made me out to be a w*h*o*r*e to my father's face. It was totally untrue; I don't even know the guy the idiot put me with & I've never dated him either. He didn't malign me to my face. My mother cursed him out royally. He was THEIR friend after all & not mine; the man is too old for me + him to be talking about any thing. I don't like him any way.
)
****Future (????) Goals I Guess
> To Be Able to Take Care of Myself That's All I Really Want
> Get a job that sustains me
> Find help so I can get into a school, do it at my own pace + get financial aid & obtain a Master's/certificate/AA to be more marketable
> Maybe to get married; I'm not sure about that, though.... Way too many estranged family members to invite....
> I don't want kids; I don't think I'd be able to take care of them. I don't know if I would love any man/donor that much that I would want to have his kids. I'm not sure about that one.
****Bad Habit
> Drink Alcohol, Never to the point of Drunkenness... I don't do that much any more. Half of a glass can put me to sleep, so I have low tolerance.
#### Theory Behind The High School Graduation Blow
There's a lot of history that has to be explained 1st to understand how I got to my theory.
Theory: I was slighted because the adult males at my high school could not pull + drag me (have sex with me). Where I live is corrupt, but often times, people are not arrested for statutory rape. Fathers sleep with their daughters. It is relatively commonplace. That didn't happen to me. I was lucky. There are more than enough incidents of what I've described & it is rare that any thing is ever done. I'm not sure why it has been working out that way.
Q = member of a particular fraternity
> My high school gym teacher, Q: Dared me to sit in his lap (inappropriate, didn't do it)
> The high school gym teachers (mostly Q) at my school were known for having sex with the students. That was the word out on the street & that's why I never played sports & am not good at them. I suck royally at sports to date. On a more serious note, that was how they snaked their way to getting to the girls.
> 12th grade English teacher: Kept getting his friend (lady I knew) to talk to me to meet up with him (didn't do it)
> Principal, Q: (Notorious for sleeping with students, especially if they needed to pass to graduate)
> Art Teacher (Male, Transferred): Caught in compromising situation with a female student
-----History
As a kid under the age of 18, I was propositioned by a good bit of men. I'm not sure why that was, but I never initiated any thing. I was even a plain Jane for most of my life, too (somewhat baggy jeans + T-shirt). I didn't usually dress provocatively/sexily.
My music teacher in elementary school + my 1 gym teacher in junior high school took a shine to me. They didn't come out of their bag until after I went to college & came back home.
The situation where I encountered men overstepping their bounds that turned me off was when I went to church. The men in the church just got on my nerves. They would be talking to my parents & watching me hard. My father caught them.
I stopped going to that church. My mother & I fell out over it, but I did not go back there. I have not gone to another one since either.
Before that though, the people in the church were trying to put the pianist & I together. I was about 14, 15, or 16 & he was in his late 20s. I am lucky I didn't fall for it. Had any thing happened, they would have talked about me like a dog.
Another one I went to when I was on break from college, the people there gossiped too much & weren't really positive.
The one at my university was manned by students. Unfortunately, they were some rotten individuals, & I really did not care for the music too much. I have nothing against gospel, but that was all they ever did. I just wished there were some variety. The chapel was a little haunted/spooky in my opinion; it was part of the Underground Railroad... I don't scare too easily, but there were a few good times I did not feel good in that chapel or even on the grounds near it (like bad vibes).
~~@@~~ BETRAYAL
> There is a separate section for this & this is out of the timeline because it's probably one of the most painful experiences in my life. One in particular nearly drove me over the edge.
> 2nd Cousin (Mother's Side)
A. He taught at the same junior high school I attended. He never taught me because he was part of another team. That year this girl from another island transferred the school & was in his team. She was in the 2nd place position, behind me. I was the top student that year. It seemed that every one was against me. Whatever.
While I didn't mind that my own cousin was rooting for the student on his team to be top, what bothered me was that he was never in my own corner & that was my own blood. At least I thought so. We had been relatively close. He always came over by the house pretty much regularly.
That was the 1st sign & I just sort of looked at him like, "Oh?" Okay...
B. One year after I returned home from college & was on break, my cousin came by the house in the day. Now, my parents weren't home, so I didn't open the door. We live in an upstairs + downstairs house & he had keys to downstairs.
For whatever reason, he came upstairs & started banging on the door. His banging was very loud, & it frightened me more than any thing else. I almost thought the guy was going to break down the door. I don't know what was wrong with him that day. He also NEVER said it was an emergency. I might have opened the door had he said that, but honestly, I don't like having people at the house when they are not home. They can't be coming to see just me. I don't think so. I was not the type to have "friends" over by the house any way.
My cousin is at least 10 to 15 years older than I am. That incident above is the beginning of odd behavior out of him. He's in the army, so I don't know if that has any thing to do with it.
C. Another time I came home from college, he had keys to upstairs. Both my parents went away & he watched the house for them. He never RETURNED the keys. After my insistence, my father changed the locks on the door. My cousin tried to use the keys to walk in on us any time. I don't know how he thought that was cute.
Shoot. I'm a female. I didn't need that.
D. While all of this was going on, what none of us in the house knew was that my cousin was bringing women over to the house downstairs to cheat on his girlfriend/fiancee of 10+ years. He can do what he wants, but he compromised our relationship + our reputation. We all knew his girlfriend very well & he made us look like we upheld him in cheating on her. Oh brother....
E. The next thing that came out was that he would borrow my mother's old navy blue car & go stalk his ex-girlfriend. (The girlfriend he'd been with for 10+ years decided not to be with him, after he kept on cheating on her.) We all heard from her that it was so bad that he would go in her house & sit + wait there for her. Now, he wasn't willing to do right by her, but he chased every guy she attempted to date.
F. This lady decided to get pregnant for my cousin. It was a bad call on her part, but I understood what happened to her. She was in her 40s, so she felt her biological clock was ticking. It probably was.
He has not married her yet & most likely will not marry her. He has done her so dirty that at this point, they actually shouldn't get married. It's too much to forgive. I am only mad at him 'cause the kids are the ones suffering out of all of it.
The girl screams down the house when she never used to do so. The boy still uses diapers at about 3 & didn't talk or even make sounds for a LONG time. Unfortunately, the two parents have argued way too many times in front of the kids & it shows.
Here's one of my phobias:
~whisper~ It's children, particularly newborns & kids who aren't walking + talking + done with potty training. I don't know what it is, but you will catch me near really small children.
Perhaps that's due to my experiences as a teenager + young adult with kids. Most of the time they didn't like me & made that very clearly known. Dogs don't usually like me much either. ~shrugs~ ~sigh~ I'm not sure what I can do about that.
The other reason is that I'm not finished with my education. I better not be thinking about kids. I've caught myself going into Mommy mode several times, & it doesn't really bode well with me.
> Best Friend of 10 Years--Apparently he didn't see it that way.
There was someone I knew of, who had pretty much been a constant in my life, since I was a teenager. The only problem was that he was 7 years older than me.
I always liked him, but I never really acted on it 'cause I was underage at the time. Also, I'm not a fast chiquita (banana), so it's not usually in my nature to approach guys 1st.
Over the years, we found out we had some things in common. Before I lost my interest in it recently, I used to love playing video games, so I was a gamer gal for a little bit.
That's sort of hard to do, since I had a seizure, so I kind of don't really do it much. I also loved all sorts of comics from Japanese ones (Death Note) to Korean ones (Masca) to a few Chinese ones & of course, American ones (Lady Death). I liked all sorts of music (Bjork, video game music, Daft Punk, Huun Huur Tur, Balkan Beat Box some techno, rock, etc.)
The only thing he wasn't really interested in was comics too much. He was into computers & I knew a little something. We sort of were into exercise in a similar fashion.
I believe we liked each other. He did not like me romantically, although he approached me 1st about being together as a couple (romantically). It was strange. Whatever.
The relationship didn't last. No big deal.
However, what burned me about him was that he was dishonest. He was also very mean to me at a time when he knew I was going through a lot. I will admit that I was probably very scattered (like I always am). I didn't hide from him about it. My father had just been diagnosed with cancer & was just receiving his 1st set of treatment & as someone I knew for many years, he chose that particular time to do dirt to me.
He pissed me off with his crap so much that I was on the verge of outting his light. I was prepared to suffer the consequences for that one.
My problem with him is:
If he didn't really care for me, that was quite alright, but don't lead me on & don't do me any dirt. It was okay to just say, "Yo, it's not working & I can't do this."
However, being evil to me is just not good. If my mind goes to a certain place, it's over & done. I will find a way to make that person's life miserable & a hell on Earth. I wouldn't flinch to do it, if provoked. You know, it's sort of like you get to be a certain age & you just get tired of people dumping on you. I guess I don't date well.
I went off on him & cursed him out for being a coward. He's lucky nothing else happened. He broke & threw away 10 years worth of trust. I don't bother with him now at all. It's absolutely ludicrous how he wants me at his convenience, whenever that is. It is possible that he is incapable of love. That's too bad for him 'cause I wasn't just not going to sell myself short like that; I'd sooner wither up & die. If you cross me once, you're out forever; people only get 1 chance to do dirt to me, if that.
In case you're wondering where I get my fire from, I'm an Aries.
My parents love him like a 2nd son & that's fine with me, but I don't. He fixed their boat just the other day, too & I told them a good for them. My father kept mentioning my name to him, even after I had told him before not to do it, & I really had to come out & tell him clearly, "Don't call my name in his presence or to him."
With how my Dad was coming off, it was making me look like I was so hurting for a man. My ex called me on the phone, acting as though he were SO concerned about my father's well-being & well, I can't stand the sound of his voice. I almost hate every thing about him.
Any way, Daddy dearest finally stopped after I told him that if I were so hurting for a man or a piece of sex, all I had to do was go bother this one man's son, whom he doesn't approve of at all. He shut his mouth quickly after that. I mean you know I was jusst tired. He knows how I feel about the guy & does stuff I can't stand. I was just like, "Give me a break, man; work with me for Pete's sake."
****My Missing-in-Action Mother
> She always put her friends before family & before me.
I didn't really crave my mother's love. However, I do wish that she had been in my corner more. She sort of redeemed herself when she cursed out her "friend/adopted brother" who tried to drag my name & reputation through the mud. I told her, "It's about time you curse out your friends for me." She just sort of looked at me blankly.
The one thing that I really held against my mom for a long time was that one of her friends brought me a "special/disabled" boy for me to date. I have nothing against him, but he was not my type. He was also very disrespectful in the end. The guy tried to get fresh with me & show off to his "friends" that he & I had something going. It was just bad.
My mother never confronted her friend about it, even after the guy gave me trouble.
That same "friend" had lots of negative things to say about our home when she stayed with us one time whe she was having problems with her husband. My father was thoroughly peeved. No one asked or told that woman to leave her home.
> When I was robbed in 2001 of my 1st place position in high school & nearly denied my diploma on the back of that, my mother's friend, who taught at the school, had lots too say & played a vital role in polarizing the entire school + class of 2001 against me. She chose her "friend" + the friendship over me.
She doesn't have a good relationship with her mom, so maybe that's why we don't have a decent one either. I have tried with her, but if you give her an inch, she will take a yard & 1/2. She can be very abusive. I don't know if she doesn't like her life or herself or something.
> She was missing in action because she hardly ever took care of me. I don't know about my brother. Here's what I mean: My dad was almost always the one who did every thing & helped me with every thing. He could even give me advice for some of the feminine problems I had. I'm telling you: My dad was super dad (seriously).
I had food because he cooked. If things were clean, it's because he & I did it. He took me to the laundry & to the doctor before I started going by myself & so on. When we moved to the house we live in now, he & I did every thing. My mother didn't lift a finger.
I'm going to say that she had fibrocystic breasts & problems with her shoulder, BUT I cannot excuse her for not lifting a single finger to do any thing. She wasn't helpless & she wasn't in so much pain that she couldn't do any thing. She did not & does not help us maintain any thing. My dad & I are always the ones breaking our a*ses to do things in the house, which is bad because she lives here too & almost every time the house is out of order, it's because she has dropped her stuff all over the place & left it there.
That is what I have lived, from ever since I can remember.
I don't know what to make of what happened, but you know, my mom went to college, got her Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education, came back & never looked for me or sought to do any thing. In a nutshell, that's how it went down & as a result of what she does & doesn't do, I have a bad relationship with her. My dad does, as well.
He has not forgiven her for her "I don't do dishes" remark in front of his colleagues. I haven't either. No one was on that boat or on that plane with her & it was the ultimate deception for many years.
She smiles & acts all nice & goes to church & puts on this magnificent facade in front of people, but she's no good.
****My Sometimes-ish Brother
> My only beef with him is how he only calls when he wants something.
> We don't have a good relationship.
> I don't care for him because he just upped & stopped calling us (for about a year + 1/2). It would have all been fine, if we didn't all stress out & think that he was dead. What happened was exactly how my one cousin's son disappeared & we believe he is not alive. She died of heartbreak. The not knowing put her at Madness' door.
> Godfather (The Worst of Them All)
Gosh, what do I say about him?
My godfather, who (for a while) was like a father to me, has been setting me up to be in compromising situations from the time I was a kid.
I will say this now:
How I did not turn out to be a loose woman is absolutely amazing, in spite of every thing that's happened.
How I do not currently have a sexual identity / sexual preference crisis is a miracle. (I will explain this below.)
Also, I am lucky I didn't get pregnant at an inappropriate age & that I don't have a baby out of wedlock. (I still don't have any children now. It is hard for me to trust people as well.)
----Background
Okay. This one is the most painful betrayals of all, but it is not as potent now as it first was when I started connecting the dots & events. I never suspected a thing.
My godfather used to come by the house a lot. Later on when we moved to our new house, he even lived with us.
Perhaps it's because my godfather never had children, but he rarely ever protected me.
He would constantly put me in harm's way. Here's how:
From out of my own father's mouth, I was told that my godfather used to bring a lot of guys (who ended up looked at me) by the house. It stopped because my Dad told him not to bring them.
When I started dancing, I began at about age 2, according to my parents. I was a part of my godfather's dance company. There are many girls who had problems with guys there. It's almost like a trail of destruction.
Guys came around where we used to practice, under the guise of coming to see him or play drums for the company. One girl's case was so tragic because she was a natural at point/ballet & her talent went to waste, due to this guy with whom she did a duet. In another situation, this guy came over by his apartment & he liked one of the girls in the dance group. My relative invited her over & knowingly left that guy in his apartment, so the two could meet. At least one of them was underage.The most disturbing situation was this young girl + this guy who was a Q. He was a friend of the girl's mother. The girl involved was under age at the time & he blatantly told my godfather that he was trying to bed her. This Q person proceeded to set up the girl & she nearly ended up in a problem. An adult at the company saw him sitting with her head in his lap & it is only because that individual made a big ruckus about it that the girl was saved.
My godfather destroys women or does nothing when he KNOWS something is wrong some place. I am convinced. (I mean I understand self-preservation, but I just don't know about some of what I saw.)
He is able to do it because he does not threaten women. He always says that he loves strong women & women who have themselves together, BUT he does every thing to tear them down secretly & sneakily that no one ever thinks any thing.
What he does is he surrounds himself with good-for-nothing guys who do his dirty work, due to their personality & traits. They all seem nice or can say a great line, but after you look beyond the surface, they are no good.
How I've finally shaken my godfather's curse is that I've told him not to introduce me to any of his friends, especially the males ones (even if they are my age). Since he kept bringing me guys I didn't want & who were looking for a woman to take care of them financially (vs sharing the burden), I told him not to bring me any one who wasn't in the high millions & billions (aka the ridiculous).
A habit I broke my relative out of was that he used to constantly put people on the phone to talk to me. He'd often do it so quickly that I often had no time to respond, except to just roll with it. I wasn't the rude type & didn't hang up the phone. Usually they were men. What they said was very enlightening.
My godfather told the last guy he put on the phone for me to talk to that "he's my type". I had to ask my godfather himself what my type was. I certainly didn't need him or any one choosing men or my friends for me. He thought it was cute, & when I had to come out of my bag & give him a directive to stop, he tried to make it seem as though my thoughts were wrong or in the gutter (put the blame on me).
He didn't seem to understand when I told him that I couldn't see how the guy would just want to be friends when my relative told the guy "he's my type". If all we were going to be were friends, then there was no reason or need for that to be said. The guy's pickup line was that he liked smart women.... I ended up telling my godfather, "Of course, he likes smart women....so he can make fools of them."
Another guy whom my godfather put on the phone tried to hit on me as well. Being blind did not stop him from being disrespectful.
One thing that bugs me about my relative the most is that he constantly makes excuses for guys & is guy-centered, even at the expense of every one else. For the guy who killed one of his female dance students, he said that the guy didn't know what NO was, NOT that he couldn't take NO for an ANSWER. What in the world? I mean, you know, when you hear stuff like that being said, it's just so annoying, pigheaded & insensitive because here it is you have some idiot, making light of the woman's plight (...his student's death & this was someone he knew well & my near rape that he knows of which was no joke at all. (etc))
A lot of the guys my godfather raved about & brought me were not even worth the ground on which they stood & walked. Don't get me wrong. I'm not about judging folk & having any thing to say about people. However, when they are trying to get over on me or harm me, that's when I have a problem with them.
My relative even introduced me to this lesbian lady, who then tried to recruit me aggressively. & the problem with this is that had I gotten into a problem, then he would have a lot to say, talk dirty about me & condemn me. That's the irony of it all. In a lot of cases, had he not introduced me to some of these people he put before me, I most likely would have never been near them.
Yeah, & this is someone who supposedly cared about me.
One particular incident that I remember as a little girl, maybe no more than 4 years old, was this guy who picked on me in his drunken stupor. That person was also trying to hit on me as well. My godfather did nothing.
The other event occured when he encouraged me to do "Summer Study" out at universities by him two different years. My relative is dishonest. He will say, "Oh, I miss you. I want to see you. Come spent some time with me." blah blah blah & then after a week is tired of you being in his space.
I mean jeez, make up your mind as to what it is you want.
I. When I got there, I didn't pay attention. That was my biggest mistake! He had this guy, sort of living with him. I was there & we all slept in the same apartment. (It was a studio aparment & the couch pulled out into a bed.)
I had had roommates before, so I was just like, "Oh, this is just another roommate situation." It was SO not so. I realized much later that it is not quite right for a guy who is not related to you to be in the same space with you & see you in an intimate setting. It creates problems.
You know, it just didn't click for me in my head.
At first, every thing was okay. Later on down the road, the guy starts saying he wants a "black girlfriend". I was like, "What the heck is this?!" Of course, this came up the way it did because we were in such close living quarters.
I was always late to come out of the apartment because I waited till every one left to bathe & get dressed.
I also got into strange situations with guys a lot & couldn't understand what it was. I don't know if the guy who lived with me blabbed to other guys around that school where my relative happened to work.
Back to the guy who lived with my godfather & I, he later was disrespectful to my father when he came up as well. As much as I may have liked the guy, he had this body hair that I did not like.
I'm so sorry, but it just grossed me out royally. This helped to keep me out of trouble. 
This person had also felt so comfortable with me that he let me know he already had a girlfriend, which I used to keep myself out of the situation. I guess he thought I was the kind of "black girl" who would knowingly go with a guy who was already taken. Oops! I'm wasn't that type of "black girl".
One of the reasons I didn't move out of the unhealthy situation I was in was that I was going to school. The other was that I did not feel comfortable being by myself in the area, since I didn't really know it well. I also didn't have any family out there either. Big mistake. Any way, I thought to myself, "You know, every thing is going to be okay & you're going to be alright. Make it work." That was a bad decision on my part. I was about 18 or 19 or the most, 20.
By that time, I believe I had already paid the money for my Summer Course, which was at least $1000. I did not like to waste money & that's what I would have had to have done. Plus, I was always into my studies & I didn't like to quit things. (I was a little hard-headed.)
II. In another instance, this football player guy came to visit my godfather. The guy made some strange comments that made me feel uncomfortable. I ignored them & didn't pay him any mind UNTIL I saw it getting late & he was planning to spend the night in the same studio apartment.
By this time, I had already been nearly raped, & I totally freaked out that night (panic attack). The man was a strapping man & I knew if he had really tried any thing I would not be able to defend myself. Sometimes I sleep & my godfather sleeps REALLY HARD. I was scared. However, I did not see how I could tell a grown man what to do in his own space, so I called my dear old Dad & let him know about it.
He came through for me & my relative then told the football player guy that he had to leave & that I was not comfortable with him being there. When he told this female co-worker about what happened, she told him, "How did you expect her to feel (referring to me)?"
III. I met my godfather's family. Boy, that was something. At first, I considered them to be family, but for the most part, they did not feel the same way about me. I don't know why I thought for a split moment that water could be embraced as blood. Oh dear, I was dead wrong with that one.
The family is pretty much just a bunch of dudes together. When I went there, the majority of them were trying to proposition me or were looking at me inappropriately when I first went out there without my parents. (I must have been about 17 or 18, 19 the most.)
Yes, you read that right. They propositioned me/tried to get in my pants, even though my godfather introduced me as his niece/goddaughter.... I didn't think that they'd be trying to hit on me, but they all must have thought I was born yesterday. I saw them with my very own two eyes. A lot of them weren't my age either. Just about every guy I met was coming with that whole sex thing to me. I was just a fresh piece of Caribbean a*s to them, but you know, I just didn't want to be bombarded with sex at my age & especially bombarded with sex by a bunch of men who were nowhere NEAR my age. They were close to twice my age!!!!
It was so bad that some of women were even mean to me & for the life of me, I couldn't understand why. One lady was especially mean because she saw the father of her kids watching me. (She had children for him but apparently, he did not do right by her or his kids.) I mean I walk in on all of this stuff, not knowing & wondering what in the world was going on all around me. I was sitting there like, "What did I do?" She was supposed to have dealt with him & not me, but no, it didn't happen that way.
What finally what really led me to stay the hell away from my godfather's "family" up to this day is how they talked about me behind my back like a piece of garbage when I was having a problem/crisis. They never asked questions, but had a lot to say about me & my situation when they didn't know a darned thing! If they were so concerned, all any of them had to do was talk to me. Well, they didn't. I never forgave the one who said to put me in a homeless shelter. He had no clue what I had been through as a direct result of his brother, but that's okay.
IV. The year I had a crisis was the same year that my godfather got sick when I was out by him. I am not spotless or pefect & I am partly to blame, but he created the situation. He was doing a Ph.D. that same year, which was stressful. The family blamed me & labeled me as the same cause for him being sick. I left them at the foot of the cross.
I only ended up in a crisis because he didn't make any time for me. Let me be clear. I did not necessarily want attention from him. I was about 18 or 19 years old. However, I was in a place that I still did not really know, even though it was my second time being there.
He was ultra busy & kept telling me to go "find somebody to go with" me to where I needed to go. He was thoroughly uncooperative.
I did ask people I knew & trusted somewhat to go with me to places like the Post Office & the electronic store. The ones that were nearby were in a bad neighborhood & I did not go there. I later found out that there was a closer mall nearby, but I didn't know it was there at the time.
The people were students like me & they did not have the time to go with me any where. I was often turned down nicely. As a female, I went a few times by myself out to where I needed to go & was often uncomfortable & very nervous. After all, people do pick on women.
My relative had told me that I shouldn't go places by myself & I thought that that was wise. After a while of waiting around for my godfather to make time for me to get some things done, I encountered an older man whom I asked to go with me where I wanted to go & he had LOTS of time for me.
Let's just say that that was the beginning of the crisis & that it was not a good situation.
What bugs me about my godfather is that he doesn't own up for the dirt he does under any circumstances.
He probably suffers from depression, but that is no reason to put women in compromising situations. Maybe he's a misogynist. I really didn't understand his actions because he had a sister (whom I loved dearly) who had children out of wedlock, as the guy did not do right by her. He saw how she suffered & yet he sets up women the way he does.
He loses interest in things, people & places quickly sometimes (any where from 1 week to 3 to 6 months to several decades).
In just about each instance, my relative did absolutely nothing after creating the problems & this was mostly before I was 18 or even after I was 18, I was still impressionable & would not think what I've said about someone who has been in my life for as long as I have lived.
> I am NOT trying to put EVERY THING on my godfather. I know that a lot of the girls & I who ended up in problems made our own choices. However, I will maintain he was like a master pupeteer pulling the strings. He often had a role or part in us, stumbling over some obstacle. We were all very impressionable & deemed him a role model.
****For the Record | The Wrap-Up | Miscellaneous
> I just want to assure the reader that my life hasn't been ALL bad.
> I put every thing here because I am tired of putting a nice, little bandaid on every thing, instead of confronting whatever it is & crushing it as best as I can. (I usually do a visual that helps me out, when I feel like running. It's sort of lame, but in my head, I'm the most powerful/strong being, like say Green Giant/The Thing/Colossus from X-Men/even Hulk Hogan, against whatever it is, & I take my foot or something & stomp it out of existence.... It might help to let out a battle call like a sumo wrestler or something. ^_^
)
> If you can face what's bothering you, I encourage you to please try & do so. (I didn't do that & bottling + throwing things under rug backfired & hurt me instead.)
> A lot of things I've seen only in retrospect.
>
It's long.... Waahhh!!! & It took 3 or more days of typing for hours on end to complete! I did it while listening to the numerous reports on Michael Jackson, which have been continuous thus far.
> If there are any questions, just ask.
> As much as I may come off as unforgiving or even sinister, I still do my best to love & not harbor things.
> Another phobia I have is a fear of people / fear of getting hurt by people. I am like a turtle who will stick out its head to test the environment or a cat who uses its whisker to feel out the world.
Once I get hurt, I withdraw. I am getting better at being an island unto myself, although that's sort of an unhealthy state.
> I think I might have healed up some because I didn't feel upset or stressed out when I wrote this; I guess it has done me some good.
I was a little teary-eyed at the beginning, but then I was okay.
> I have many sides + selves. A lot are latent, & I do my best to manage them.
> What irked me about when I fell out (S) & even before it was that a lot of people had SO much to say & jump all over me for the one single time in my life that I cracked
(Yay!)