This is all very new to me (forums and blogs). I guess I should start off with a little background information about myself. I am a 35 year old male who has suffered with depression since a early age. It seems like every year it gets a tad bit worse and what is starting to scare me is I feel defeated for the first time. That being said I am not suicidal but do have thoughts from time to time. I had a very close friend who's son killed himself so I know what havoc that inflicts on those around you.
The depression really seamed to peek 5 years ago when my mother passed away. Although I was always independent I was very close with my mother. She had cancer and passed quickly but I never realized until after her passing how much I relied on her to talk. I am not good at expressing myself at all and she always knew how to handle me i guess. I have trust issues and that tends to keep me in confiding in friends or family.
I have been happily partnered for 2 years now and that aspect of my life is great. However me and him are a lot a like as far as depression goes and I am sure we feed off each other emotionally. I would love to find away to be able to talk to him and really express myself.
I have discovered that I do quite well talking about emotional issues online . I guess the fact that its anonymous I don't have to worry about someone using information to hurt me.
I have been thinking about my life a lot in the past 6 months and starting to learn to take some responsibility for what I have let depression do to me. I have lost great friends and have ruined my credit because I just did not care to pay bills and deal with anything. Although at the moment I am fine financially and am working towards correcting the problem I still get anxiety ridden every time I go to the mail box.
When I was younger I had so many plans for life. I had goals and dreams. Now I just feel like I am going through the motions. I would not take my life but I don't feel like I live life anymore. I don't find joy in much of anything and when I do it is fleeting. I want to change and have a "normal" life. Whatever that means. I guess I just want to be happy.
Trying Something New
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
MyOwnWorstEnemy,
First of all, welcome to the forums.
I think that many of us here could be using the same username as you. It is true for me that I always have been my MOWE. Even as a kid my parents didn't have to discipline me. I punished myself much better than anyone else could possibly do.
I am glad that you have someone special in your life, and you seem to appreciate him very much. Talking to loved ones about your depression (I think that often we don't want to worry them) is very difficult.
That is probably one reason why I like coming to the forum so much. There are a lot of people, who are in the same boat here. All willing to listen.
You have found a safe place here to share your feelings.
When you are ready.
First of all, welcome to the forums.
I think that many of us here could be using the same username as you. It is true for me that I always have been my MOWE. Even as a kid my parents didn't have to discipline me. I punished myself much better than anyone else could possibly do.
I am glad that you have someone special in your life, and you seem to appreciate him very much. Talking to loved ones about your depression (I think that often we don't want to worry them) is very difficult.
That is probably one reason why I like coming to the forum so much. There are a lot of people, who are in the same boat here. All willing to listen.
You have found a safe place here to share your feelings.
When you are ready.
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