about me

[es225]

Haven't posted in maybe a month or so, but figure I'll share my background and experiences. My name is Eric, and I am 20 years old. I not exactly certain how long I have been dealing with depression, though I believe it started sometime between late middle school, and early high school. First, off, I have read some experiences other people have had here, and (I hope this doesn't get taken the wrong way), and I feel somewhat lucky that my experiences weren't that bad.
One of the earliest issues for me is my mom is an alcoholic (she is currently doing better now, and has a career, but once in a great while she will still fall off the proverbial horse, but she gets back on, to her credit). But from the time I was born, until 2 or 3 years ago, my mom was hooked to the bottle. When I was really young, before starting school, I can remember her taking me with her in a taxi, to go down to the local liquor-licensed restaurant to pick up a 6-pack or 2. when I was in school, it wasn't uncommon to come home from school to find her drunk, or passed out, and the inevitable fighting between my parents that followed. As the years went on, she was involved in several DUI's, lost and got her drivers' license back several times, and even spent several months in the county prison.
In the first several grades of school (K-3) I was in good shape most of the time (although my best friend in 1st and 2nd grade moved away after 2nd grade, and I wouldn't have another best friend until high school). In 3rd grade, however, something very weird occurred in that a friend forced me to do something that has bothered me for years. I will not go into detail, aside from saying it is resolved as far as I am concerned, and I forgive the person, because they really did not know the consequences of this action.
In school, especially after 3rd grade, I was always a loner. Before that, I wasn't the most popular person, but I did have friends. In fourth grade however, i got screwed over by being put into this 'multi-age' class (4th & 5th grade combined, have the same teacher for 2 years), because I had apparently missed some opt out paper that I don't even recall getting. Most of my friends were in the regular 4th grade, but people I didn't get along with, including this little S.O.B. who had been teasing me since first grade, were in this class (he eventually moved away in the 6th grade). And the 5th graders already in the class didnt much like me. I had also gotten my lowest grade to date in this time, a 'D' in a reading class. It was a year of hell for me, and the start of a general downward trend.
Things did improve much when i was in the 5th grade component of the class, however. I made friends with several of the incoming 4th graders (one of whom I would remain friends with until high school, until he, metaphorically, of course, stabbed me in the back. I still talk to him, but I don't at all trust him, and take about everything he says with a grain of salt. Anyway, it was an improvement, but the damage was still done from my fourth grade experience, as well as my failing home life.
When I started middle school, things weren't too bad, and I made friends. But, it was actually getting to the point where I preferred being at school, to being at home. Also in th4e 6th grade, I had a teacher for English & Reading classes, whom I so badly want to embarrass by naming (but won't. I'm above that) apparently took a dislike to me. while I haven't bothered enough to remember the specifics, since it was 8 or 9 years ago, I remember one day, she singled me out in class for not doing some assignment correct or something. Eventually, My mom (who despite being an alcoholic, periodically was in my corner) requested a parent teacher conference to deal with the issue, and it didn't go well. After I finished the class (with a 'C' most likely, English wasn't my strong point) said teacher never acknowledged my presence again, until 8th grade, when on a trip to the bathroom or something, she said a short, quick 'hi' in a stern tone to me as she happened to walk by. That teacher issue aside though, things were somewhat stabilized now, at least in the school arena.
In 7th grade, I got put into a different 'section' (we called our classes 'sections' - each grade had 5 or 6, depending on the number of students) from my 6th grade friends, and that was the beginning of loosing more friends (a trend with which, I have become well-acquainted), as those friends sort-of drifted away, so to speak. I was still making other friends, too though, like this one kid on my bus who became the closest thing I had to a best friend for 2 or 3 years, until we stopped hanging out, because (I presume) he didn't want me as a friend anymore.
For 8th grade, the 'section' i was had probably 2/3 of the people who had been in my class the previous year. This was ok, as I knew the people enough by then. At first, the year was the best I had had, since I hit (then) rock bottom in 4th grade. As the year went on, though, I developed a crush on this girl. I was too nervous to talk to her about it though, and talked to some of my friends about it, and it tuned into a big joke essentially. That hit me hard. I didn't get to speak to that girl again until high school, and it is about this time that I believe my current case of depression started. I was also not dong well in my first algebra class - the start of my hatred for math.
In high school, i was still affected from this big let-down, and I really didn't have that great of classes at first, and not too many people there either, although, I did meet 2 people with whom, i am friends to this day. I also discovered music around this time (rock and heavy metal, and listening to it remains a coping mechanism to this day) In the second semester though, I met more people, since at my HS, classes changed each semester (you would have 8 classes a year - 4 one semester, and then 4 different ones the next. this caused problems with people moving into the school district mid-year, often pushing them back a year). But anyway, things were starting to go good again.
In 10th grade, I had realized that I have severe issues with algebra (starting in 8th grade). The teacher was an ***hole in my opinion, and as I later found out, a child molester, as well, having victimized an underage student in his karate studio. Through the first half of high school, i really wasn't having much success in the relationship department, either, and it was around this time that i was introduced to ----- by one of my friends (a major regret on my part, though, i managed to stay free of watching that smut 99% of the time, and haven't viewed it at all for over a year). all that does is glorify sex, and objectify women (not to go off on a political rant here though). I consider the whole ----- thing though to be a point of embarrassment though. Anyway, 11th grade really wasn't memorable for much, as I recall, except that I had organized a paintball, and later airsoft team, a few years prior, and it was starting to really take off now with me and a few of my friends. Also, as most 16-17 year olds, I got my DL at this time. During this time, my home life was starting to stabilize, but it was a little late to have any affect on me. still more friends coming and going too. by this point I'm starting to think people deliberately trying to avoid being my friend. For the last several years, I had also started to partake in the very thing which had started hurting me: bullying. I had started picking on this kid that everyone else was picking on (he really was irritating though, always doing stupid things to get attention), but to my credit, I eventually ceased and befriended him, realizing that it wasn't right of me to do that, especially seeing as I knew how bad things can get with bullying.
In my senior year of HS, I had reached the point where something had to go wrong, things were starting to go too well: I had a number of friends (some more reliable than others), finally got my first girlfriend (after a dozen plus letdowns in the previous 3 1/2 years). I had 4 main friends at this point, since I don't want to use names, they will be 'A', 'B', 'C', and 'D'. Friend A, i had initially befriended in the multi-age class when I was in 5th grade, and we became re-acquainted in HS and hung out a lot. Friend B was someone that 'A' had introduced me to, and would become my best friend, until relatively recently. Friend 'C' was someone who I had met in 9th grade, and Friend D was someone I had met through 'C'. Friends A, B, C, and a few other people were on this airsoft/paintball team I had, with me being the only person left from when it was started (more on that later). But I often hung out with D on the weekends, cause he had a cool basement hangout room, and a few mutual friends - not someone I really trusted, just a way of tricking myself into thinking I had more friends than i did. Any way, in the last half of my senior year of HS (actually, the last month or so, early May 2008 if i recall correctly) I had found out that friend A had been cavorting around with my girlfriend, and while they didn't do anything more than make out, my girlfriend denied it, and friend A said it happened (A and I had been having problems for a while up to this point) My girlfriend was someone who really was much worse off than I was, as she had been in foster-care, and had really strict Baptist foster parents who would only let her out for school of their crazy little church (no offense to anyone of faith meant here, but I am really bothered by fundamentalist religion), all this control when she was 18 years old - legally an adult. I was able to sneak her over to my house once to make out, but I had to drive her back quick. Anyway, the relationship fell apart, and she moved 60 or 70 miles away, but we still did talk via email, sometimes, and I later went to see her this past summer (a little over a year after the breakup). Ultimately though, i'm glad I'm not with her anymore, but I still miss the feeling of having someone that cares (or at least pretends to care) about you.
About this paintball/airsoft (both wargames, for those not familiar) team, also: I realize that I had basically been using it as a control mechanism over my friends, since I never had too many before, and wanted to be seen as a 'leader' with sidekicks. needless to say, that ruined it and caused several conflicts with people, including the initial problem with friend A.
The summer after high school (June 2008), friend A had a few friends over (including my friend 'B' (a mutual friend at the time, but who also had his own problems with 'A') to this field behind my house to play airsoft (I was rather confrontational at the time and played a part in organizing this through friend 'B' so i could throw their game into disarray (yeah, I'm not completely innocent here) be sneaking around during the game) For some reason, I hopped the fence and went to confront 'A' over something or other and we ended up standing toe-to-toe ready to punch each other (bad for me, since he's about 3-4 inches taller than I) , with me especially still being very PO'd over him causing me and my GF to beak up. We eventually both stood down. After the event, Friend B, said he was ready to jump in to pull us apart, had A and I went at it. B was a good friend to me then. Several months later (December 2008), friend A and I were making amends, and were hanging out for the 2nd or 3rd time since 'solving' our issues, and we were doing an airsoft game, in the same place as mentioned before, but after the game, he damaged one of the airsoft guns (mine) that we were using by dropping it, cracking a plastic part on the stock (it wasn't broken before and I had evidence that he did it) and he denied it, and eventually we went into a 'cold war' of sorts being nice to each others face, but talking crap about the other behind the other's back. This event was in December 2008. He eventually reimbursed me, however, and has seemed to change signifigantly since then. I do not at all trust him though, as he has feigned many things in the past, and I do not wish to get screwed over again.
First year of college was mostly uneventful, except for a failed attempt to get a date with this one woman, until the end of my first year, when my grandpa fell and broke his hip (Feb '09, while unscrewing a light bulb. Also, around this time, I was becoming somewhat religious (everyone who has tried to buy me with faith has seemed to abandon me) and starting to go to a youth group with a friend. this didn't last long. After I finished the semester In may, I went to live at my grand parents house to help with the situation there, as my grandpa wouldn't stay in the damn bed, and kept trying to walk around, breaking his other hip, and some other bone, in the process, leaving him completely bedridden. It really gave me a perspective of human dignity. That aside though, the summer wasn't bad, was still able to have a life, as long as I was around to help out with things at key times. But around this time, my dad happened to get laid off from his job of 20 years, throwing everything into disarray, and leaving my not mostly-sober mom, as the main breadwinner for the family in her new career. Oddly enough though, I managed to get my 2nd GF around this time, and that was a disaster in hindsight. the 'relationship' lasted about 3 weeks, until she broke up with me, and went to have sex with her previous ex the next day. We met online, as my shyness around women forced me to resort to an online dating site (which I don't have many kind words for, but it was free).That was this past july.
went back to classes though, in the fall, and got a new job working at a well-known outdoor-gear retailer. I also decided to experiment with my classes (I am/was in mechanical engineering for my major, but am probably going to change it) and I had dropped a class and needed to pick up a total of 4 credits to take the place of this class, and since that was one of the only classes worth that many credits, i had to take 2 in it's place.
Fast forward to November of last year, and my bedridden grandfather, who had since been moved to a retirement home, died. It really made me question many things about life, faith, and God, seeing him go through that, yet, due to his Alzheimer's disease, it was almost as if I didn't even know him, since he was just so far gone mentally much of the time. It was a depressing situation, needless to say, but it is something that I don't have to worry about in the future, now.
Also during these previous several months, I finally went to my doctor about my depression, and was put on several antidepressants. Lexapro had little to no real effect on me after a month or so, so, my doctor switched me to cymbalta (the devil's drug, since it didn't help me, and had horrible side effects in I missed taking it by several hours). I was then put onto a generic tri-cyclic, but I stopped taking those as they weren't really doing anything, and an not on anything at the moment.
Since the start of the year, I am taking several classes that are leaving me confused (re-taking an algebra class that I received 'D' in, in my first year, and a class dealing with applied physics to static objects) and especially the latter class, which I should have had much earlier, but couldnt get into for various reasons, since I'm running into so much confusion, and am being left to realize only after 2 years and several thousand dollars of wasted time and money, that I probably shouldn't do engineering. Probably gonna switch to history or a related field instead.
Also shortly after the start of the year, I had to leave my job at the outdoors retailer due to a back injury, which I believe to be incurred on the job, due to heavy lifting of gun safes, and hunting tree stands, and fishing-boat trolling motors.
Also, I forgot to add that friend 'B' has also drifted away. This all started when I took him with me to hang out with friends C, and D. It ended with friend 'B' stealing a knife from friend 'D' and later getting in trouble with the police. Friend D was understandably upset, but I supported 'B' at this point, because he was my best friend. As time went on though, the situation has gradually deteriorated. with him lying to me about various things, and going around blurting things out that I didn't want him to tell other people. Eventually he gets kicked out of his house, and moves in wit another friend of his. By this point, he's into pot, despite having lied to me about it (I'm anti-smoking). I even went to hang out with him recently, and he tricks me into driving him over to another friend of his' house so that he can smoke pot. That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back there. I still talk to him, but hardly consider him a friend. It is also worth mentioning that those four friends all hate each other now, pretty much.
I really wrote much more than I intended to (took about 3 hours to type), but that is what it is. Too many problems with 'friends' over the years, and too much romantic rejection has left me a distrustful depressed mess trying to pick up the pieces amid other problems outside my control. Sorry if I rambled too much in this, by the way.
Edited to add a major detail I forgot to put in

[shatteredhopes]

First, I would highly suggest you check into finding Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA or ACOA), if you search on line or in the phone book, you can find meetings nearest you. Even though your mom was in your corner sometimes, I have no doubt having an alcoholic parent affected you and your personality much, much more than you realize. Also for me, I know working a 12 step program helped me more than the mental health profession EVER did, and furthermore, the fellowship of such groups can be an avenue to get over socializing anxieties and help you make true, close friendships.

I know romantic rejection hurts, believe me I know. But you are young so don't give up, you just haven't found the right one yet. And if you are like me, maybe there is something wrong with your 'selection' skills that you need to work on...regardless, lonely as it is at times, being alone can be a great time to work on yourself and developing your own interests and becoming confident in yourself...maybe write out a list of what you would like in your ideal partner, what you would like to be/offer your partner...then work on the you part...spending time with friends can also ease the pinch of loneliness...joining a club or activity you enjoy can also help you make new friends and keep you occupied.

Please don't give up on medicine yet if you can work with the doctor. I have tried almost every anti-depressant and had horrible side effects, but finally found a small combination of meds that helps me a little. Therapy would great too if you could get it...

Sorry you had to change your major, but could be a good thing...I started out as business major and ended up majoring philosophy...and you know what? I'm glad I did...so majoring in something you like and do well with is better in the long run I think, as liberal arts majors often have the analytical and writing skills needed in many professions. Honestly, I think people should major in something that interests them rather worry too much about preparing for a career...that's great if you can become a teacher or something and college prepare you for that...but its also one time where you are free to learn about the world without restrictions on your time and energies and fully explore, and explore yourself in the process...

I don't know if I have before, but I wanted to welcome you to the forum! There are nice, caring people here who provide support...I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.

[es225]

I forgot to put something in there, so,I have just edited it to add that part.
I'm not sure if I have ever heard of ACA. Maybe that is something I should look into. I can say that having an alcoholic parent was a major part of the problems I was having. I'm kind of in disbelief about friendships now, after several cycles of my friends abandoning me or causing problems with me. I know there are 'true friends' but it isn't something that I ever expect to have.
As for romance, I have an idea of what I'm looking for, but I can't seem to find it. yet meanwhile, all I hear about the friends I do have talking about their girlfriends and latest sexual exploits.
I really am skeptical about antidepressants, after my experience. It's also one less expense, too.
I didn't so much mind that I had/have to change majors, I just don't like the fact that I had to wait 2 years to find out I can't do well in my current program, after having wasted several thousand dollars on classes that was all for nothing. On the other hand though, History has always been a strong point of mine, and something that interests me. I'm just not really sure what to do with a History degree, since I'm not crazy about teaching.
Thank you for the welcome, btw.

[crystalgaze]

Glad you would share & welcome if I have not already said so!