I Am What I Am

[_elle_]

The steps that brought me here.
*I am a 20 year old female college student.
* I've had some form of depression since 7th grade. I used to mainly get depressed over not feeling like I was good enough in school, and I'd self harm (though never to the extent of putting myself in any actual danger)
* For a while I was better, or at least ignoring any major feelings of sadness.
* My senior year of high school is when the anxiety started. I've always been bad with people. Meeting new people or being put in new situation caused me to have mini panic-attacks.
* Once I got to college things just seemed to get worse. I suppose it was partially the move away from home and the friends who were always there for me in the past. I still had my best friend, and without her I never would've made it this far. She means the world to me. It wasn't bad enough that I couldn't deal with it, though. Sometimes I'd cry a lot, or feel terrible, but I could manage it.
*Starting this year, I haven't been myself. I've lost focus on school work. I've stopped caring about classes, about studying. I don't want to spend time with friends (other than my best friend). I have a terrible memory, and things that used to be easy just aren't any more. I just feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I'm stressed. I'm anxious. I feel like I'm not contributing anything. Like I'm letting people down. Like I'm not good enough any more.
*Last night, my best friend told me to call the counseling services, or she wasn't going to talk to me any more. I'm bad at talking to people about what's wrong, it's one of my problems. But I can write about it so much better. Plus, I feel like I already know what a counselor is going to say. And I can't afford medication, so no matter what they diagnose me as, there isn't anything they can do besides let me talk it out. Which I can do here.

And here I am. [/list]

[xn728]

hi elle leave it here people will read and hopefully comment ,dont be afraid to lay it down ,no judgeing here ,im sorry for how you feel when i was young i was like you a little ,but my problems took me over ,but you can read about that else were ,we are all freinds here if it makes you feel better put it here ,,,xn728,,,ken

[Mich]

Elle - why don't you give the school counselor a try? What have you got to lose? You can always write stuff down ahead of time and take it in for him/her to read. It sounds like you are having a really tough time right now and the added support of a counselor might really help you. I am glad you have a good friend there with you. Please write again and let us know how you are doing.

[Monty]

Hi Elle,

I think that it would be good to go to a school counsellor. It couldn't hurt. Maybe you would find one that you really clicked with. I know that it helps so much to be able to share.

If you like to write, then you have found the proper place here, to just sit down at your computer and let the words flow out.

One thing that it took me a while to learn. Turn off that editor in your brain and left your fingers fly.

Take care