This is me trying my hardest to not Unalive myself

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Do y'all feel like online classes has been better than face-to-face classes?

Yes, but to some extent
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No, but to some extent
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I don't know
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Total votes: 5

Posts: 2
Joined: Sun May 16, 2021 9:31 am

This is me trying my hardest to not Unalive myself

Postby ✿Angel✿ » Sun May 16, 2021 10:05 am

Before anything else, I want to say that i Have ADHD so I'm not that good with putting my feelings into words.

A few things about me
(but i dont think it matters tbh)
I am a 5'3 Female
Im Bisexual
Im a September Virgo
I am the oldest out of 4 girls

I've noticed that this entire thing started when i was 9 (6th grade). I am usually the kid who likes to befriend the teacher to get grades because I wouldn't be able to get them any way else, I am very good with talking up front, group activities (as long as I am the leader) and Performances but I am absolutely horrible with Written works.
6th grade I managed to get 2nd to the highest grade in our class which is Probably because I was our English teacher's favorite (She was also our Homeroom teacher)
Come 7th grade my entire life went down hill.
I've always been in the 2nd section because I couldn't stand being in the 1st section so despite my grades being really high, I would beg the head teachers to not put me in Section 1. Well for 7th grade that wasn't the case, it was a new school and that means new teachers, Long story short I was Forced to be in the 1st Section.
I absolutely despised it.
Some of my Classmates were nice (By "Some" I mean 2 out of my 46 classmates) which wasn't a big deal for me since I'm not good with keeping friendships.
I basically lost all interest in learning (Except for Science, English and Math, I loved the teachers that taught those subjects)
My mindset was like "Okay, if my grades are not high, the teachers will put me a section lower next school year" and I mean it did work, i was put in the second section for 8th and 9th grade.

Fast forward,
I guess i kinda manifested my life turning into a mess huh? My grades started dropping and Online school really isn't helping.
I can only learn when the teacher is right in front of me and when i can actually Interact/Participate in class.
My grades really said "From the top, make it drop" because My ADHD got even worse during quarantine and I can't even take medication since adderall and other medication for adhd are illegal in my country so I can't buy them (I forgot to mention that I haven't told my parents about my adhd, I've been going to online therapists and psychologists using my own money because I dont want to worry them) FUN RIGHT! :D /s
Im missing half of all my requirements in all subjects (excluding English bc i fawking love that subject and the teacher)

I'm failing and the thing is, I'm not even bothered by it anymore.
I mean, I don't want kids, I don't want a family, I don't have a "Dream profession" not do I want to have a job, I dont like luxurious things i also don't like traveling.
Everything I'm doing right now is Useless since I'm gonna end up dæd even before I reach college, and even if I don't unalive myself by then what am I supposed to do? Live till in 40 doing pilates and yoga? Thats boring af.

I want to end it now as to not waste my family's time trying to feed me or give me shelter, I also want to end it so i dont make myself suffer anymore.
Im gonna end up dæd anyways right? Why prolong the misery when I can off myself right now?

Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2021 1:13 am

Re: This is me trying my hardest to not Unalive myself

Postby xpellegrino12 » Sat Aug 14, 2021 10:43 pm

Hey! I’m so sorry, that sounds so hard and you don’t deserve to feel that way.

School was always a big thing for me too before life didn’t matter. I understand you, I don’t want anything either, I’m just like a radioactive substance if I can not ruin other people’s life then I’ve done ok. People keep reminding me I’m young and got my whole life ahead of me but they don’t get that I want no part of it. I’m just staying around for people I care about but they’re going to leave eventually anyway.

But here’s the thing, I have no false hope for you, some inspiration I’ve just got the knowledge that all those thoughts aren’t you and aren't me. They’re the product of things going overwhelmingly wrong.

I don’t know if anything is worth what you’re feeling now but no matter how dark your thoughts get at least there’s 1% of changing it if you’re alive there’s 0% if you’re not - and you’re worth that 1%, don’t make a choice you can’t take back because that’s not worth it.

From one stranger to another, hold on…I want to give up too but we’re not going to. Because you’ll never exist again, and that’d make me sad.

Listen to “Truce” by 21 pilots if you want, it helps remind me that if nothing matters we can just float because we can’t sink further <3

Posts: 143
Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:04 am

Re: This is me trying my hardest to not Unalive myself

Postby CamGirl » Wed Sep 01, 2021 1:51 am

Its your birth month so let me greet you a Happy Birthday!!!

Find something fruitful in everything you do or simply find an inspiration. Inspiration is anything that can contribute to your happiness and determination to accomplish something bigger.

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