My story

[Nella]

When I read some of the sad stories on here, I feel so ashamed about my story... I hurt someone when I was a child and I still struggle to forgive myself for that. To compound that problem, I was raised to never ever share my thoughts or any negative emotions and to always keep the sunny side up.

These two things (guilt and never talking about it) caused me to live in a bubble until a few years ago. I went for hypnosis and she managed to break down the bubble around me and I could open up. Now that I can open up, it feels that no one is ever interested in my thoughts! I realise that I have a lot to learn about healthy communication.

I got married four years ago to a lovely man, but my issues led us to a divorce. I was hoping it would be over before Christmas, but no go. So, I am almost 40, jobless, going through a divorce and feels that there is no one to talk to. I am going a li'l crazy over here

I have the unhealthy habit of uncontrollable daydreams and sometimes I am so scared that I will act on it (eg jumping in front of a truck, or have a orgy). Perhaps if I can put a bright light on these daydreams, it will go away or get less - you know, walk in the light!

Thank you for reading all this....

See you round!

[100footpole]

I know what you mean when you say:

I am so scared that I will act on it eg jumping in front of a truck, or have a orgy.

Today I thought of my worst times ever ... 30 years ago. Wrote a note to myself reflecting about them, then deleted it, because I believe is no art in masochism. I write because I don't want to deny the experience, and I delete because I've spent 30 years building a different life. And it would be silly to deny those thirty years in a pompous act of exhibitionism.

Pompous acts are what we often see on TV reality shows ... or worse the ones drawn off the internet. There is no glory in that, and deleting my confession has become something like a sacrement or ritual for me when I am under stress.

I am writing because I was inspired by the dichotomy you presented of death or orgy. But you are contrasting an ugly death and an ugly consummation. It is a false choice. Death and sex can be beautiful ... but they require hard work to create a context of self-knowledge. The beauty comes from the new acts that arise from that knowledge ... when we say that person is a hero. Heroism comes from self-love, not from self-hate. You are not made or born a hero, you must create that context. So when you imagine death or orgy ... think of what you need to do to try to give that act meaning. Then do that thing instead. Instead of drowning yourself ... learn to become a rescue swimmer.

There is strength in knowing that you are ready to jump in front of a truck, but there is more strength in knowing you are ready, and then waiting for the opportunity by waiting and watching and only doing so when you can save someone else's life by doing it. You have reached the depths of bravery, not the pinnacle, but now you have a place to start to make all the difference in the world.

[Nella]

Hi 100footpole,
(love your nom de plume!)

Thank you for the reply.

''pompous act of exhibitionism'' true...

''give that act meaning'' wow! This gave me a lot of food for thought. Thank you for giving me a place to start.

I see I wrote that I was married to a lovely man. I might have been trying to be nice that day... He is lovely to look at but damaged to the core and I allowed him to break me down to nothing, and now I am slowly putting my life back together.

I have a low level hysteria - that I mostly keep under control - about the fact that I have to find a job before my money runs out but I feel so utterly useless and worry that that will trip me up. Any advice?

Thank you in advance

[100footpole]

When you stand on a 100 foot pole where can you step? Does that sound like your hysteria too?

A job is a hard thing when you're down isn't it. My only advice would be "Don't say no, and never stop looking." 30 years ago I got down to almost no money when one of my interviews paid off ... The first choice hated the job and they called me back. My life has never been worse than that time.

I have faith in three things: The law of averages, that I have the capacity to act, and that some places are better than others. Writing and talking helps you reflect on your trajectory. Your capacity to act keeps you from going too far off the track you want to be on ... even if you have been distracted recently.

[SkaterDrew]

Sorry to hear about your situation.
I can feel you, you're not alone, we are here for you.