Is the relationship toxic and abusive despite the depression?

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BrokenPen
Posts: 152
Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2009 12:18 am

Is the relationship toxic and abusive despite the depression?

Postby BrokenPen » Sun Nov 22, 2020 3:30 pm

(warning: some things may be triggering here. Not sure if they are but fair warning.)

I've been posting here at Depression Understood for a while now. First with my own fights with depression but mainly with my girlfriend. She and I have been together for nearly 5 years and we were planning on getting married. However, recently, after a discussion about whether or not to get a pet, she started to spiral downward. It even got to the point where she wants to break up with me and go our separate ways.

This isn't the first time that this has happened. In fact, there were other times when things did not go very nice. Such as, once I had gotten her tickets to a show that she had been wanting to see for a long time. Then on the night that we were supposed to go, we were looking for a restaurant, and then she started to get annoyed and then it blew up into full anger and she took off her high heels, walked barefoot across the parking lot, and asked to go home. We fought in the car, and she demanded I stop and she took a Lyft home. I was too worried about her, so I went after her and we argued more and more until she took a framed picture off the wall and threw it across the room.

Then there was another time that was like this and she spiraled down into self-pity and despair and wanted me to get away from her. She said in her own words, "I am darkness. I am poison. I drive people away. What do I have to do to get you away from me?" That was when she had gotten a knife from the kitchen and held a knife at me. I wasn't hurt and I took the knife away from her.

Another time we got into similar arguments and I was trying to get her to seek help because I love her so much and want her to get better. Once again, she was in the grips of self-pity and anger and she exploded. She was lying in bed and got up and slapped me across the face. In the times since then leading up to the most recent breakdown, she started to say how much of a horrible person she is and that what we have is toxic.

I really want to stay and help her. But she keeps refusing because she has this idea of, "All therapy is going to do is make me okay with how much my life sucks despite how much I want everything. A house, a family, pets, to be able to travel to all these places we talk about. If I can't have all that, I may as well be dead. But even if I do go to therapy, what am I getting better for if I can't have any of that?"

Given what I've laid out here, everyone. Is this relationship abusive or toxic? If it is, what should I do and what can I do to help her?

jessica james
Posts: 25
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2020 2:46 pm

Re: Is the relationship toxic and abusive despite the depression?

Postby jessica james » Fri Mar 05, 2021 1:15 pm

Sometimes when we try so hard to avoid things, we end up self-fulfilling our doubts. Just realize that you are you, and she is she, and if it’s meant to be it will be. I know it sounds rude and selfish but I would not be with a depressive person while going through depression already because I don’t want the sufferer to suffer more. I am not being judgemental but I think I would rather prefer providing that depressed person some counseling sessions. It would be rude if I provoke someone’s feelings for me and I just not be up to my promises. I had also suffered from long-term anxiety and stress and I know how it feels to be in that phase. So I don’t want to give this panic to anyone else. Being a friend or being a counselor is instead a very good option. No matter how much you say things will work out, at some point, they won’t. I, personally don’t believe in instant healing and I don’t want to hurt a wounded heart. we’re loved and sometimes reassurance and it will feel so much better and the negative thoughts go away for a while. Suggest ways in which she can help herself or suggest that you both get help and hopefully you can work through things. Better late than never. Sometimes it's better to leave the person for her good sake. I fully understand that it must be hard for you as well though. Also, manage your depression, you shouldn’t get anxious so easily, if you really think your girlfriend is the person you want to live with, then save your relationship by doing your best.


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