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Depressed Husband and my feelings of rejection

Posted: Wed Jan 15, 2020 5:18 pm
by Trying86
I've been recommended to join this post after speaking to my therapist.

My husband has had undiagnosed depression for 2+ years and next week will meet with a therapist for the first time to discuss his treatment.

My problem is I know I really struggle to ignore the symptoms and not make them about our relationship/how he feels about me.

When I was a teenager and in my early 20s I was in relationships when it was obvious that the other person was not interested in me long term. But I ignored these signs because I wanted it to work. Which would result in heartache and feeling foolish. Once I cottoned onto the pattern I told myself I must be hyper aware and critical of how men I am in a relationship behave around me and notice for signs of dissinterest and act on it.

Which is probably quite useful in dating. But not so much in living with a husband with depression. All I can see is the lack of affection, the lack of sense, the lack of connection, the lack of eye contact, the lack of engagement in conversation, the lack of laughter the lack of planning about future, the lack of playfulness the lack of fun the lack of appreciation - and make it all about my husband being disinterested in me and a need to run for the hills to protect myself.

My therapist says I need to educate myself about depression and reach out. But I'm wondering if anyone can help me with my need to spot disinterest and the fact that alot of the outward symptoms of depression are not dissimilar from disinterest?

Re: Depressed Husband and my feelings of rejection

Posted: Fri Apr 03, 2020 4:36 am
by Xberga
Dear Trying 86,

Yesterday night I read your post and I felt immediately the urge to answer, it motivated me to register to that forum.

I think we need a place to learn more about this topic, understand it and can openly write how we sometimes helplessly suffer with our depressed beloved once.

My story goes same way: more than 2 years undiagnosed Depression of my partner. No Therapie Sessions is considered for him.

Maybe because your post is from January, you are already on a very good way, if not I would like to share some things, which me helped, getting better along.

You see, dear other readers and people with depression, we do love you very much! Helping and being there for my partner is no doubt, but sometimes it’s though, because somehow you feel so excluded or not wanted - one needs to be strong.

I quote trying86 „All I can see is the lack of affection, the lack of sense, the lack of connection, the lack of eye contact, the lack of engagement in conversation, the lack of laughter the lack of planning about future, the lack of playfulness the lack of fun the lack of appreciation“ and I am adding to it the lack of being desired or having sex.

On my part I also suspected an affaire - which is not confirmed. All I could see was work or others are more valued as thinking about me or our relationship. I think that is normal because if you think about your relationship you need to think about feelings what you want in your Life and it’s difficult when you are depressed. You may prefer destruction.

Even he tells me often how much he loves me, it’s the actions, who let you doubt.

Maybe you will think, why do you stay? Because I love this man and understand that he is ill and in trouble.
I was depressed once going to very dark valleys before too, I got out and he was there for and with me.

Finally to answer your post, my ways to handle this doubt of love:
I do a written list of positiv action he does.
When I doubt I look at it.

Demanding friendly what I need.
Being good to myself and set boundaries in my head like timelines or little steps I want to achieve.

I know until he starts loving himself again he is not able to love anyone else really. So that’s all he can give for the moment.
Love is about giving, no? Not taking ...

So I try to let him see this positive sides.
When I do that he rewards me with his honest beautiful smile. And there is a little sparkle again.

I learnt to live my life alone to give him his time and freedom.
I go alone to our friends, I do painting, I read a lot. I travel with friends for some weekends away.
I need to do such things, to get positive energy. When I am back from this trips, I am able to be fully there for him.

Now with Corona it’s more difficult. We can spend the whole days in separate rooms, which hurts me, but he needs that and he comes out to eat and fell in sleep one hour later on the sofa because he can’t sleep at nights. To get not self depressed from loneliness, I go out alone every day for a walk. I meditate and have fantastic friends around me. And when I have enough like yesterday, I would say, honey, today I need you with me on my walk, I feel lonely.
What I mean is we need to put statements to get a limit to it. Ask him to do the dishes or to watch a movie which only you like. You will feel very good when he does it. Because he does that for you. It makes him fell better as well, I am sure the only thing he wants is to make you happy.
It’s a phase. Hold on!
I cross fingers for you too! Keep me posted.
Best and be brave life is still beautiful!