Depression Understood Forums

Some of you remember me from another post when I said that my girlfriend needs help with depression. For a while it almost looked like that she was about to get help. She was even starting to look for other jobs. There was even hope of a job that she really really wanted. Then this previous Tuesday they called and turned her down and as a result she fell very hard and fast into depressive bout. It got so bad that when I came home that night from work (and it was a pretty hard day) we were talking and the comment came up between us, "Maybe we're both better off dead."

After the fight and we didn't speak to each other for a while it had gotten to a point where we only spoke to each other when we had to. But today we were talking and she was saying how much she thinks she should break up with me. She reminded herself of previous times when we were about to have fun but because of this illness she suffers things don't always go as planned. I think it's because of the fact that she puts so much emphasis on perfection that if it doesn't go that way then she falls to pieces.

This is even more so when it comes to the bigger things. She keeps saying how she's at this age and she should already have a career, a nice house and a family. She feels that she should have these things because after all she suffered in her earlier life with a nightmare family and all else that she endured. It would mean that all that she suffered was worth it if things were actually going to get better.

But now she thinks that it won't get better.

What can I do?

Hi BrokenPen,

Does she have any formal supports (e.g., a counselor) in place?

There will be an ebb and flow, some days will be better than others. The main thing is that she just has a treatment plan in place (therapist, medication and/or natural treatments, etc.).

Depression has a habit of sometimes rearing its ugly head when things are starting to look up. The only thing you really can do is to just continue to give her your love, patience, understanding, and reassurance.

A friend of mine is going through depression herself. One moment she was coping well, but then things gradually went downhill, and it seemed to come on suddenly. She had to go to a hospital because she was barely eating, staying in bed all day, no motivation, hardly showered, etc. Something had to be done, so the husband encouraged her to go to a hospital because she couldn’t continue living like that.

The husband has been very supportive and loving. He has been a rock for her. He can’t cure her, but he can give her plenty of love and support—the same as you are doing now.

From your partner’s perspective, she may not feel like she will get better. I felt exactly the same when I had depression. I had it for so long, every single day without respite, that I thought I was doomed.

As for what she is saying about “being dead” and breaking up with you… I hope you don’t take this personally. Think of it like someone who is intoxicated with alcohol. They will say and do things that are out of character because they are under the influence. It is not them talking—it is the alcohol. This is the same with depression. She is under the influence of depression and thus will say and do things that will be out of character.

I did this all the time when I had depression. In relationships, I would say I was not deserving. That I would only drag them down. I thought I had no right to live because I was a waste of space. I should have been left between the sheets. I told myself all kinds of horrible names and things, you name it. I said all kinds of nonsense, self-defeating thoughts, and full of doubts when I was under the influence of depression.

The one thing we can do is to continue holding on to hope. Meanwhile, just give her support and have a treatment plan in place, and reassure her that things will get better.

You both hang in there.

Spleefy wrote:Hi BrokenPen,

Does she have any formal supports (e.g., a counselor) in place?

There will be an ebb and flow, some days will be better than others. The main thing is that she just has a treatment plan in place (therapist, medication and/or natural treatments, etc.).

Depression has a habit of sometimes rearing its ugly head when things are starting to look up. The only thing you really can do is to just continue to give her your love, patience, understanding, and reassurance.

A friend of mine is going through depression herself. One moment she was coping well, but then things gradually went downhill, and it seemed to come on suddenly. She had to go to a hospital because she was barely eating, staying in bed all day, no motivation, hardly showered, etc. Something had to be done, so the husband encouraged her to go to a hospital because she couldn’t continue living like that.

The husband has been very supportive and loving. He has been a rock for her. He can’t cure her, but he can give her plenty of love and support—the same as you are doing now.

From your partner’s perspective, she may not feel like she will get better. I felt exactly the same when I had depression. I had it for so long, every single day without respite, that I thought I was doomed.

As for what she is saying about “being dead” and breaking up with you… I hope you don’t take this personally. Think of it like someone who is intoxicated with alcohol. They will say and do things that are out of character because they are under the influence. It is not them talking—it is the alcohol. This is the same with depression. She is under the influence of depression and thus will say and do things that will be out of character.

I did this all the time when I had depression. In relationships, I would say I was not deserving. That I would only drag them down. I thought I had no right to live because I was a waste of space. I should have been left between the sheets. I told myself all kinds of horrible names and things, you name it. I said all kinds of nonsense, self-defeating thoughts, and full of doubts when I was under the influence of depression.

The one thing we can do is to continue holding on to hope. Meanwhile, just give her support and have a treatment plan in place, and reassure her that things will get better.

You both hang in there.

To answer your questions, I'm afraid she doesn't have anyone except for me. No friends that she feels she can count on or family members.

It’s great she can rely on at least one person. But that can be a double-edged sword. If something was to happen with your relationship with her (not saying it will, but if it did), then she would have nobody else to turn to, no other lifeline. It would be very devastating for her. Furthermore, your being her sole informal support places tremendous pressure on you. You may feel like you can handle it, but it is playing with fire for both of you. So a contingency plan is a good idea.

Just keep trying to encourage her to reach out to other people. Don’t pressure, but stress the importance. There will be people out there she can connect with.

So in your position, I would just keep encouraging her to build a support network. I can’t say how you will go about this, as I don’t know her. But you do, so use what you know about her as leverage to appeal to her and encourage her.

You mentioned she thinks she should have a “career, house, and family at her age.” Perhaps there is a way you can encourage her by using that desire as a motivator for her reach out to other people. You mentioned that she feels all her past struggles would be worth it if things got better. Maybe appeal to her that things have a greater chance of getting better with a formal and informal support network in places. Reassure her that our past does not equal our future.

Have you thought about Group Therapy? If not, it might be worth looking into. She will be able to connect with others in a safe environment. I looked up group therapy to see the benefits. It looks like a great option!

One site listed the 5 benefits of group therapy, which is…

1) It helps you to realize you are not alone.
2) It facilitates giving and receiving support.
3) It helps you to find your voice.
4) It helps you to relate to others (and yourself) in healthier ways.
5) It provides a safety net.

I could have probably benefited from group therapy rather than solo therapy way back when. It sounds fantastic!

I will leave a link with the 5 benefits of group therapy…

https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-benefits ... p-therapy/

You may want to do additional research on it to see what it entails, the benefits, and if it has drawbacks, etc., but this site will be a good starting point.

Let us know how you get along. If I think of anything else I will let you know.

BrokenPen wrote:Some of you remember me from another post when I said that my girlfriend needs help with depression. For a while it almost looked like that she was about to get help. She was even starting to look for other jobs. There was even hope of a job that she really really wanted. Then this previous Tuesday they called and turned her down and as a result she fell very hard and fast into depressive bout. It got so bad that when I came home that night from work (and it was a pretty hard day) we were talking and the comment came up between us, "Maybe we're both better off dead."

After the fight and we didn't speak to each other for a while it had gotten to a point where we only spoke to each other when we had to. But today we were talking and she was saying how much she thinks she should break up with me. She reminded herself of previous times when we were about to have fun but because of this illness she suffers things don't always go as planned. I think it's because of the fact that she puts so much emphasis on perfection that if it doesn't go that way then she falls to pieces.

This is even more so when it comes to the bigger things. She keeps saying how she's at this age and she should already have a career, a nice house and a family. She feels that she should have these things because after all she suffered in her earlier life with a nightmare family and all else that she endured. It would mean that all that she suffered was worth it if things were actually going to get better.

But now she thinks that it won't get better.

What can I do?

You need to support each other when you both fall. She should continue to pursue jobs because something will come up eventually that she will like.