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My wife is severe depressed and cheated on me...I loose myself

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 3:23 pm
by phil1503

my Wife and i are married since 5 years. We met when both of us were really deep down in a hole and pulled each other out at that time. Everything about this relationship was special. I left my life and everything in it to be with here and be the father of the little boy. She is the love of my life, she is my life, all i have left.

Last Saturday i found out she cheated. I never in a million years expected this. I just found out because she didn't planned this or even looked for it, it happened quick and she wasn't even sure to go thru it (so she says). I know for a fact that this was the first time. There is no doubt about this. It was also not the cheating everyone assumes. It was no cinema,dinner and bed of roses date. She told me it was for sex. A obsession so dark and powerful that she can't resist it. It was some extreme hard bdsm. She wanted to be abused by this guy. She also said she doesn't want me in this Fantasy, because she never want me to see as this person, this evil person that does all the harm to her.

I know that my wife was depressed. But i never bothered to find out what that truly means. Until now i never understood the magnitude of depressions. I was one of those loosers who shake the head about it and tell people to grow some balls. I never abused my Wife or have been mean to her in the last 5 years, so i thought. After a few chats now, i feel like trash.... because instead of pulling her out of this darkness, i fueled it. Not on purpose, but by ignoring every sign she sent me of how much she needed me, of how much it hurts. I was supposed to be the Knight in shiny armor, but instead i was just another piece of darkness. Her depressions are deep and go back to her Childhood. Since 44 years she kept filling boxes of hate and suffer and put them away inside her. I believe the only reason she was still alive when i met her was her Son (My stepson).

Right now we talked. And i was expecting some kind of Hollywood happy end, i wanted her to apologize a million times, cry and proof that it was just this one time. But i didn't get what i expected, what i was wishing for. In the first phone call she got mad at me instead of breaking down as i though. She got mad because other people knew it too. That is too the fact, that she was always honest and perfect and at that day she vanished without a trace (she was a bad liar and could not set this up good enough). I called 911 in the night and from there things went down. Her parents (big part of why she is depressed) and other people got knowledge thru the search for her. So she was mad... it hurts... she did this to me and now she is being so mean and cold? Later she made me understand a bit, she said that she didn't wanted to hurt me and to be mad, but all she could feel and see are the people telling her that she is a failure, telling her she screwed up again, like she does all the time. In the chats he had she was still a bit cold, went into self defense. She told me this is an obsession, a craving like a drug. She said she met this guys out of nowhere and found out he practices it and is devoted to it. She said she asked him if he could show her and he said yes. That was an unreal feeling for her, because she felt that he would told her she was fat and ugly and didn't wanted her... it was a shock for her but it made her feel recognized, wanted. I had no idea i failed in giving her those feelings. She said she struggled to go thru with this, she said she was scared. But then the obsession took over and it was like a drug and she gave in. Shortly (around 3 days) after the meet, she went to a hotel with him and gave in into this deep fantasy of benign abused. She said it made her for once feel powerful and in Control.

Right now she says she loves me more than anything. She says if i leave it kills her. She says she wants me to be one she spent the rest of her life with. But she also feel she can't control this obsession, she says it might happen again, but she will never lie again and let me know. That hurts so bad.... so fing bad. But i try to understand what happened and that i was a major factor in this. The person who want out the door this day was not her, it was someone so in pain, that she would take all risk to make it stop. She sounds honestest when she tells me how much she loves me, but she also don't want to talk about it anymore (We talked everyday about it so far). I think she does not want to talk, not because she does not care, i feel it is the defensive shield again, because no matter what i say, it all sound to her that i am telling her she screwed up again, like she always did.

I dunno how to reach her. I live for her, she is my life, my soul. I want to be her knight and savior, i want to be the only one she ever needs. I want to fight but it is so hard, it hurts, it feel like i lost her. 5 years i lived in Disneyland and now i am in a war zone... instead of happiness and the perfect life i am on D-Day, with all the suffer and pain... I am scared that this feeling of power, this obsession, becomes an addiction, that i can't never fulfill her. That this guy becomes her savior in her mind (even if he is just a weekend illusion)..... I want to fight because without her there is nothing. I dunno how to fight, because i already made her depressions worse in the last 5 years and now i am scared to do something wrong and to hurt her.

She will not do any counseling right now, not at all (She said, she doesn't need someone digging in her and then telling her what a living disappointment she is)

I want to fight so bad, i want to be strong and to do everything that it takes to become her knight.... but it is so hard to see the path. Someone told me i fall into a depression myself and if that happens, then there is no way back or no fight....I dunno how to do this..

Re: My wife is severe depressed and cheated on me...I loose myself

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 5:51 pm
by DiegoArgentina92
Ask to her "what you think I and we need to do to stay together and feel good, what You need ? what I have to do for you, tell me everything you need me to do", "what are you needing and what you want ?", "what could make you feel good ?".

Ask to her this its the first thing to start i think.

The problem is if she doesn know how to reply this to you.

If this happen its gonna be difficult, she could say "take distance", which is hard, and its going to make her feel without a north, with unknow destiny, but could be what She is needing, or at least, what she thinks she is needing.

But talk with her, and ask her what she really thinks, and if she think you can work together to stay together and feel better.

Good luck.

Re: My wife is severe depressed and cheated on me...I loose myself

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 5:59 pm
by phil1503
Ty for your answer.

I had several chats with her and she said she doesn't want to loose me. She want me to stay and that she loves me more than anything. But she also says that she feels at this point that she is not strong enough to resist this obsession and that she might do this again. She said she will tell me and never lie again. My first instinct was to hate her, because if she loved me, she would not do it again or even considering me to accept it and live with it. But right now i belive that she is in a lot of more pain and depression i can ever imagine and that she dosen't do it to hurt me or loose me. It feels like she did it and might go back to it because for a few hours it took all the pain away and that is such a powerful feeling for her.

Re: My wife is severe depressed and cheated on me...I loose myself

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 9:50 pm
by DiegoArgentina92
Hm, sorry, my opinion is that she should control her self... even if she is bad,, a relationship is about 2 people wanting the same, do something the other person doesnt want to someone do is act selfish... And this say that she is an unestable person, a person to dont trust cause she can act like she want, besides what you think. Sorry, its undersandable that she can be depress, but, its what says about her, but, if you decide to love her, its something you have to accept or not...

The other day I was talking with a woman that told me that she is bored of his life, she is married and have a baby who love, both of them, she say her husband is very good person, perfect, but she needs "fun", like an "adventure", you know, some people need it, its like some people get a bit tired of the comfort and simple life, to get used, and need some rush, something different, its hard if you are in the position of what the other got used i think.

Try to do what you can, make her feel different, try to see what she needs, make something different, a different day, different things you are used to, and guide her.

Re: My wife is severe depressed and cheated on me...I loose myself

Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 11:48 am
by phil1503
think i lost it all now. Yesterday she came home and she was so ice cold. Like a different person..... she was with me and kissed me but she was cold. I started to talk about it, i told her again what i feel and that she is my life. But she was so cold, like never before. I grew desperate and it hurted so much, i told her if you say you love me, why do you feel nothing to see me like this, why don't you give me a sign. She was so cold, i then told her why don't you just pull the trigger and end it for me, i will die for you. That when she snapped...... she got up and wanted to leave, i tried to hold her and hug her and make her stay..... she told me to get my hands of her. She said our son heard that all, but i know for sure he didn't. She got dressed fast, telling me to not touch her. She went into the car and locked the door. I went after her, ask her if that is it, told her i didn't mean for this..... i got in and put my cloth on, i walked out and away.... not knowing were to go. I ended up in our backyard and lie down on the bench. I texted her, told her that i didn't mean it the way she thought, that she is my life, that they are all i have.....she told me i f***** up, she didn't know what she wanted now, but i f***** badly up. This morning she said that for now i can stay as long as i need. She told me that for now we are roommates, that she doesn't know what will happen but right now that i f***** up so hard, that she doesn't know if she ever wants me back. She told me that i have to sleep on the couch and that she doesn't want me to touch her or be around her. She told me she will not allow me to hurt her son. I told her again that i am sorry and that i just wanted to express how much i need her. She just said i f***** it all up bad and that this are the rules for now......

I dunno what i should have done, i tried to express the love i have for her and him... but somehow i transformed into something so evil that i dunno how to go on now and proof her that i love her endlessly. Right now i use all strength i have left on my son, to make him happy and shelter him from everything....... I feel i lost it all... the is nothing on the horizon anymore.......i destroyed what i love the most.

Re: My wife is severe depressed and cheated on me...I loose myself

Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 9:21 pm
by DiegoArgentina92
Sorry to heaer Phil. If you dont find way to re join things, try to start thinking how to move then, and to find someone new. Talk with her, but think too that you maybe are going to need to think in find someone new.