I need help, any advice?

Depression/anxiety may have touched your family, your friends, yourself; what helps you to deal with it? Sharing is caring!

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Ember
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 2:09 am

I need help, any advice?

Postby Ember » Mon Feb 20, 2017 4:56 am

I'm new here, and my heart is already racing. Is it because I'm sharing my story? Because I'm not covering my search history right now? I have no idea. What i'm here to say though, is that I feel I might be depressed over something insignificant.

Back in first grade, I had been a main target of the bullies in school. They would usually target the shy, or those with little to no friends to support them. Since I had been gone most of kindergarten due to illness, they ultimately chose me to harass. Every day, they found something to poke fun at. "Stop rolling up your sleeves! You look disgusting." "You should loose some pounds, you're so fat." (I was underweight at the time) "What's that shirt for? Pink is stupid."

Lesson one: Do things to appease others, not yourself.

The last insult was dumb, I know. But being told that every day, I decided to change my style. Nothing major, but once they say that they could manipulate me, there was no stopping them. Next year in second grade, I had stopped listening to my teachers as much. I was secluded; And as stupid and cliche as this sounds, the janitor was my only friend. Acquaintance more like, but that's not important. A few days in, after their usual insults, the bullies had learned the teachers' shifts for watching us at recess. At recess the two bullies would push me around (and kicking if they could get me to fall over) and call me things like, stupid, or worthless; Along with the previous things I've mentioned.

After doing these things, they would run to the teachers coming in for their shift, and report me for bullying. Those teachers must have gone with the rule of "The customer is always right.", because once they were told something against me, they wouldn't stay to hear my side of the story. I was accused of bullying nearly every day for two (school) years.

Lesson two: I learned not to defend myself, verbally or physically.

Rumors spread like wildfire. No one would let themselves be seen with me, I sat alone at lunch, and if I sat with someone they would move. No one knew about the bullying towards me, but others were harassed as well. I once saw them pin a girl to a wall and call her a walrus and a cow, asking her how she could move because she so fat. I had tried to intervene, but one of them pushed me to the ground. Later, a teacher scolded me on how it was inappropriate to get involved in teacher only situations.

Lesson three and four: Don't get involved, stay quiet and mind your own business. Also, try to stay on your teachers' good side, maybe they'll let you off easier next time.

In fourth grade, I lost my great-great-grandpa. I had lived with him since I was five, he was hospitalized for hip injury and weakness due to old age. I was thrown into a state of no willingness to do my schoolwork, no willingness to ask questions in class, no willingness to care.

That's still not gone yet.

I feel as though this is such a minor thing. Why should I be depressed over something so insignificant? Others have been through so much worse than I have.

-Present Day

My parents are held together by a thread, that thread being me. A few years ago, my mom came to me and told me how I was the only reason she stayed with my dad. I try to not let it bother me, but every time I hear them yelling at each other, I can't help but feel responsible.

I had to talk my girlfriend out of suicide recently. It was a regular night and she just texted me out of the blue, saying that her dad was moving out because he was cheating. We talked for several hours over text and she finally calmed down and I felt a bit safer saying goodbye.

I'm lucky there's nothing sharp in my shower.

Recently, I've been seeking help in friends and depression chat rooms. My body feels lighter, it might help as a start to keep me afloat, but I'm going to need more than just moral support to rise to the surface. Heh, I sound so selfish.

Not so long ago I decided to send my mom an article on signs of depression in teens. When I came home from school and we talked, she was so calm.. It was nice to see that she had not broken down, but seeing her with such a blank response made it feel like she didn't care. That was last week, she hasn't said or done anything about it since, it's like she forgot our conversation.

Just last night, I had to actively talk myself out of vomiting in the toilet. I feel like I ate too much that day and I am/was very ashamed of myself.

What should I do? Is it okay to be not okay over something like this? I'm just so scared! What happens if I give up on just snapping rubber bands.. I don't think I want the answer.

Monnieloves
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 2:50 pm

Re: I need help, any advice?

Postby Monnieloves » Mon Feb 20, 2017 3:12 pm

Hi. I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I've been on this earth long enough to know that at times people can be cruel and insensitive. I also know that often times bullies only bully to mask something painful deep down inside themselves. You sound like someone who really cares about other people. That is a great quality. There is power in words. When they are used negatively against you over a period of time, they can begin to grow roots. However, you have the same power of words within you. Whatever they are saying, you say the opposite to yourself. I used to think the worst about myself but learned to speak positive words. I wrote down positive words about myself and would speak them daily. It worked. Maybe you should suggest family counseling or personal one on one counseling to your parents. You may also want to consider letting both your parents know about your situation at school involving the bullies and the teachers. Keep daily notes of each occurrence. It is your right to receive an education bully free. Your parents may want to schedule a meeting with the teachers and the principal. This worked for me, hope it can for you...I started reading my bible to find out more about GOD's promises, all the love he has for everyone which included me, and I also learned how to pray. I joined a local church and found peace, joy, and love I never had before. Most people have experienced some form of Depression before but please know that there is help available. I will be praying for you and your family. I believe you will do great things in this world!

User avatar
Ember
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 2:09 am

Re: I need help, any advice?

Postby Ember » Mon Feb 20, 2017 5:17 pm

Thank you for your fast reply Monnieloves! And I'm really sorry but I actually forgot to leave out some important details. The reason I hadn't talked about school past fourth grade is that since my grandpa died and I was living in his house, I had to move. I'm going to a very good school now, and I've only had a handful of encounters with bullies this time around. I guess that's another reason I'm wondering if it's okay to be bent out of shape about this, because it happened such a long time ago. I just have so many friends now and I feel like I don't have the right to feel this way.

Another thing is that the reason I was telling my mom is that I'm still living with her. Me being in her custody, I need to tell her this to get a proper diagnosis. Which means, I'm currently undiagnosed and unmedicated.

Sorry for not saying this sooner.

User avatar
TheErickDaniel
Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2017 7:46 pm

Re: I need help, any advice?

Postby TheErickDaniel » Thu Feb 23, 2017 8:52 pm

Hi Ember, I coach people in this area pretty frequently. It sounds like you have trouble speaking up for yourself because subconsciously you worry about being liked rather than standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, and ironically enough, you are selfish about it.

People bully because those bully's are communicating they are going through their own incompetence and pain internally, and you being quiet, worry more about being accepted, so you stay quiet, and they misinterpret that for being compassionate about it. Bullys have lots of problems, they look towards putting understanding people down because they feel bad about themselves, and by pushing others down, they feel it would make them better.

Yet it doesn't and the poisonous pattern continues in their whole life, until they get help. I have compassion for people like that too because bullies come to me and tell me their insane problems at home or at work.

I'm interested in guiding you into a direction that holds you accountable so you can actually change for good, I want to know what kind of mindset or ideal outcome would you want if everything worked out? text me +1 714-886-6581

Prycejosh1987
Posts: 424
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK

Re: I need help, any advice?

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Fri Jun 05, 2020 1:29 pm

Ember wrote:I'm new here, and my heart is already racing. Is it because I'm sharing my story? Because I'm not covering my search history right now? I have no idea. What i'm here to say though, is that I feel I might be depressed over something insignificant.

Back in first grade, I had been a main target of the bullies in school. They would usually target the shy, or those with little to no friends to support them. Since I had been gone most of kindergarten due to illness, they ultimately chose me to harass. Every day, they found something to poke fun at. "Stop rolling up your sleeves! You look disgusting." "You should loose some pounds, you're so fat." (I was underweight at the time) "What's that shirt for? Pink is stupid."

Lesson one: Do things to appease others, not yourself.

The last insult was dumb, I know. But being told that every day, I decided to change my style. Nothing major, but once they say that they could manipulate me, there was no stopping them. Next year in second grade, I had stopped listening to my teachers as much. I was secluded; And as stupid and cliche as this sounds, the janitor was my only friend. Acquaintance more like, but that's not important. A few days in, after their usual insults, the bullies had learned the teachers' shifts for watching us at recess. At recess the two bullies would push me around (and kicking if they could get me to fall over) and call me things like, stupid, or worthless; Along with the previous things I've mentioned.

After doing these things, they would run to the teachers coming in for their shift, and report me for bullying. Those teachers must have gone with the rule of "The customer is always right.", because once they were told something against me, they wouldn't stay to hear my side of the story. I was accused of bullying nearly every day for two (school) years.

Lesson two: I learned not to defend myself, verbally or physically.

Rumors spread like wildfire. No one would let themselves be seen with me, I sat alone at lunch, and if I sat with someone they would move. No one knew about the bullying towards me, but others were harassed as well. I once saw them pin a girl to a wall and call her a walrus and a cow, asking her how she could move because she so fat. I had tried to intervene, but one of them pushed me to the ground. Later, a teacher scolded me on how it was inappropriate to get involved in teacher only situations.

Lesson three and four: Don't get involved, stay quiet and mind your own business. Also, try to stay on your teachers' good side, maybe they'll let you off easier next time.

In fourth grade, I lost my great-great-grandpa. I had lived with him since I was five, he was hospitalized for hip injury and weakness due to old age. I was thrown into a state of no willingness to do my schoolwork, no willingness to ask questions in class, no willingness to care.

That's still not gone yet.

I feel as though this is such a minor thing. Why should I be depressed over something so insignificant? Others have been through so much worse than I have.

-Present Day

My parents are held together by a thread, that thread being me. A few years ago, my mom came to me and told me how I was the only reason she stayed with my dad. I try to not let it bother me, but every time I hear them yelling at each other, I can't help but feel responsible.

I had to talk my girlfriend out of suicide recently. It was a regular night and she just texted me out of the blue, saying that her dad was moving out because he was cheating. We talked for several hours over text and she finally calmed down and I felt a bit safer saying goodbye.

I'm lucky there's nothing sharp in my shower.

Recently, I've been seeking help in friends and depression chat rooms. My body feels lighter, it might help as a start to keep me afloat, but I'm going to need more than just moral support to rise to the surface. Heh, I sound so selfish.

Not so long ago I decided to send my mom an article on signs of depression in teens. When I came home from school and we talked, she was so calm.. It was nice to see that she had not broken down, but seeing her with such a blank response made it feel like she didn't care. That was last week, she hasn't said or done anything about it since, it's like she forgot our conversation.

Just last night, I had to actively talk myself out of vomiting in the toilet. I feel like I ate too much that day and I am/was very ashamed of myself.

What should I do? Is it okay to be not okay over something like this? I'm just so scared! What happens if I give up on just snapping rubber bands.. I don't think I want the answer.

This is not good you should always respect yourself. Not sticking up for yourself can make people run you over. It also can cause problems between you and other people.


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