Guidance and Being Pushed Away

Depression/anxiety may have touched your family, your friends, yourself; what helps you to deal with it? Sharing is caring!

Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, vince13, Maelstrom, Astrid

strongenough
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Dec 06, 2015 10:09 pm

Guidance and Being Pushed Away

Postby strongenough » Sun Dec 06, 2015 10:35 pm

My boyfriend of over a year has yet to be formally diagnosed with depression. However, he has a history of being relatively fine, plunging into a low for 2-6 months, and then "recovering".

A few months ago, he began warning me that he was approaching one of these lows, and that in the past they have made him push people away. He is charismatic and has always been dismissive of these bouts, and as foolish as it sounds, I didn't think much of it.

A month ago, we were drunk: I was crying from stress and he said he thought he was causing it and that, "all he did was make me cry". He began to panic and said we should stop seeing each other. However, he was adamant that I know his "needing to leave" had nothing to do with how he feels for me, and that I am different from everyone else in his life. I was, understandably, confused. The last thing he said before we fell asleep was that he didn't know what he was doing. Later, I proposed we take take a break and not break-up. He didn't disagree. We didn't talk for three weeks, and then I began texting him.

We've remarkably ignored the elephant in the room of where we stand with each other. In our time apart, I began researching depression and anxiety- terms that he threw around but downplayed. As naive as it may sound, from how he interacts with me via text, I do believe that he loves me, and is pushing me away.

All of this is to say: I don't know what to do now. I want to respect his wishes and give him space, but I feel like I'm only guessing at what he wants and needs. I'm scared to call him or force him to meet in person, because I don't want to panic or overwhelm him. Should I suggest he see someone? Should I ask him if I'm not giving him enough space?

I don't have anyone in my life who has ever been in a situation like this, and I feel very alone. In many ways, I feel that I am the only one who knows what is happening in his life. In a weird way, he wants me, but wants me at a distance?

I'm beginning to crumble a bit, any guidance at all would be a blessing.

nenkohai2
Posts: 143
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2014 12:43 pm

Postby nenkohai2 » Mon Dec 07, 2015 9:59 am

My opinions here - I'm not an expert. Yes, he does need to see a professional. I think it's okay that you would mention it to him or even discuss it with him. It's a sign of immaturity that he should push and pull you and then ignore it after the fact.

I would also say this - there may come a time where you need to protect your own emotional health and that may mean breaking it off with him. Hard to hear, and I'm sorry. But if he refuses help, you'll just continue to be pushed and pulled. And there has to a limit to that... for anyone.

Hoping for you both....

n.

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Mon Dec 07, 2015 11:43 am

You sound like a sensitive person. Dealing with someone your care about with anxiety and depression can be confusing ... like trying to talk sense to someone when you've been drinking, and then suddenly realize that the other person is much drunker than you.

I recommend that you find someone you can talk to. A relationship doesn't always have to be based on the present, but it needs to be there when it can. My wife has been dealing with my depression and anxiety for 30 years now. She is sensitive to my abilities, but pushes me to do things ... chores, decisions, errands ... back in the day we had some fights when I couldn't do what I normally do. Now, we try to concentrate on the positive.

The important thing is what you need and want. I know its trite, but remember a relationship is like a garden ... they all take work, and different people have different ideas about what is acceptable. I think trying to grow the wrong thing makes both gardeners unhappy. If you understand what the garden can support, than it becomes more beautiful every year, otherwise it becomes more and more frustrating.

Prycejosh1987
Posts: 424
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK

Re: Guidance and Being Pushed Away

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Fri Jun 05, 2020 2:14 pm

strongenough wrote:My boyfriend of over a year has yet to be formally diagnosed with depression. However, he has a history of being relatively fine, plunging into a low for 2-6 months, and then "recovering".

A few months ago, he began warning me that he was approaching one of these lows, and that in the past they have made him push people away. He is charismatic and has always been dismissive of these bouts, and as foolish as it sounds, I didn't think much of it.

A month ago, we were drunk: I was crying from stress and he said he thought he was causing it and that, "all he did was make me cry". He began to panic and said we should stop seeing each other. However, he was adamant that I know his "needing to leave" had nothing to do with how he feels for me, and that I am different from everyone else in his life. I was, understandably, confused. The last thing he said before we fell asleep was that he didn't know what he was doing. Later, I proposed we take take a break and not break-up. He didn't disagree. We didn't talk for three weeks, and then I began texting him.

We've remarkably ignored the elephant in the room of where we stand with each other. In our time apart, I began researching depression and anxiety- terms that he threw around but downplayed. As naive as it may sound, from how he interacts with me via text, I do believe that he loves me, and is pushing me away.

All of this is to say: I don't know what to do now. I want to respect his wishes and give him space, but I feel like I'm only guessing at what he wants and needs. I'm scared to call him or force him to meet in person, because I don't want to panic or overwhelm him. Should I suggest he see someone? Should I ask him if I'm not giving him enough space?

I don't have anyone in my life who has ever been in a situation like this, and I feel very alone. In many ways, I feel that I am the only one who knows what is happening in his life. In a weird way, he wants me, but wants me at a distance?

I'm beginning to crumble a bit, any guidance at all would be a blessing.

I dont think you should "give him space" but intervene in his life and conversate with him, encourage positive feelings.


Return to “Family and Friends of People Living with Depression”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 42 guests