Daughter

[nnaiadd]

Hello Everyone,

My name is Diana and I have Bipolar disorder--but I am not asking advice about myself now--I'm asking about my daughter who began to suffer from depression and anxiety more than a year ago.
It began when she started high school. It was a big high school and she's shy and began to suffer anxiety attacks. This led to depression which hasn't lifted for over a year now despite taking her out of school, getting her enrolled in a private school, 2 hospitalizations, medication etc, etc .....

I've done very well but it's starting to effect me. I'm starting to become resentful. You would think that since I suffer from a mental illness myself that I would understand and so wouldn't feel this way, but I'm, beginning to resent her and think that she's spoiled and ungrateful and that this has as much to do with her problems as the depression.

We see a therapist--it's going nowhere. She's new--the last one quit and we just got done with hopitilization etc... so Teressa has never really gotten much of a chance but I'm beginning to fall apart. I'm really tired of it. I tried so hard to figure things out for her but nothing is good enough and I don't know what to do anymore. When she comes up to me with her mopey face I feel like running away.

It's the same thing. You ask her what's wrong--she'll either say nothing or say she's depressed. When you ask her if there is anything you can do--no. Do you want to talk--no. Is it this? no. That? No. Would you like to do this? No. It's like talking to a brick wall or carrying dead weight. I told her tonight that if she can't talk then I can't help her. Then I worry that she'll kill herself.

I know all the things it's politically incorrect to say to a depressed person--You don't tell them to snap out of it or think of something positive or ask them if it's all in their head but this has been going on for so long and I'm just tired and sometimes I want to say those things to her.

I could say more but I think I'll stop--I'm very upset. It's getting worse every day. Sometimes I think this is all going to end up making me sick. That's all we need huh?

Does anyone have advice? Support? Please don't yell at me for being aggravated with her--I've done so well for so long. I'm only human.

[4EverMe]

Hello,
No judgment here!
I'm sure that it's difficult having bipolar yourself, and also worrying what's going on with your daughter. Even without any depression/anxiety, most teens are notorious for wanting their own space, and sort of shutting out their parents. Could it be a mixture of her depression, and a teen's typical want for privacy?

Something else I considered is whether or not something might have happened in her life that you weren't aware of- Try to make a list of the various activities/people she was involved with in the time frame her depression evolved.

I'm attempting to recall what would have made me, as a teen, not want to open up more. Amongst a host of other things would be fear of punishment, feeling that I would only burden my parents w/my problems, etc. Actually, it would have all been dependent upon what was bothering me- the reason I would have not opened up more. So, I guess there's no point in making out a list for you...

Does your daughter feel that you are also a friend that she can talk about 'anything' with? Are you mostly an authority figure in her life? Or both?
I'm writing this as ideas come to mind; Please bear with me!

Could a site, like this one, benefit her? Bring her out of her shell a little bit??

[4EverMe]

I forgot to ask you if your daughter's depression and anxiety came on gradually, or all of the sudden?
Also, is she on any medications for either of her problems?

[4EverMe]

Okay, I reread your post, and I see that there were medications she was tried on.
If medication is needed, I'm sure you know that it can take some time to find the right one...

[windsong]

Hi Diana

I have bipolar as well. And I have a kid, just turned into a teenager who has issues. They have him on a mood stabilizer and something for anxiety, something for ADHD and something to help him sleep. He also has anger issues.

I know sometimes that it can be very hard to deal with him when I have to deal with my own issues, so though yours and my situation isn't exactly the same, some of these feelings I can relate to. The frustration.

I know you try to be understanding with your daughter, and that's great. And I know there can be a point where you just don't know what else to do and it can overwhelm you.

My sons never been hospitalized but I went through several therapists and until I found the right one. He does better with a female therapist, then he does a male one. And while I'm just the opposite. Have you tried different genders? It may or may not help.

Do the doctors know that you have bipolar? Sometimes bipolar is hereditary. If its already been considered, sorry. I'm just thinking that if she's not being treated for the right thing, then maybe that is why the meds aren't working.

My son did start saying he couldn't help what he was doing to try to get out of punishment. Also trying to get him to talk sometimes was like pulling teeth. Just had to keep on, and I'd encourage him to draw his feelings out if he couldn't put them into words.

And I kept encouraging whatever it is that he can get better and that we can get through this together, and that if he couldn't talk to me, then he at least needed to talk to his therapist. Seemed to work, and he started opening up.

Also since you are feeling overwhelmed, with hers and your stuff, make it a point to do something nice for you. Set time aside for you to read a book you've been wanting to read. Or find the time to take a bubble bath. Something to treat yourself, and let you feel like you are taking care of yourself too.

Hugs,
Wishing you the best, keep posting and keep us updated please.

[Ieris]

Hello Diana,

You are not being selfish at all, I don't think it is any easier for you than it is for your daughter. It is difficult being a parent, even more so if your child is depressed and closing themselves off. You have offered to help, to listen, and most importantly you show that you care. Plenty of people would have given up or thrown them out already so yes you are doing very well so please don't feel guilty because it is stressful.

Im not a parent but i know how much stress i caused my parents. My parents would always end up lecturing me if I tried to talk to them about my problems so eventually I closed off but now i know they were only trying to help but was frustrated because i wouldn't help myself. My friends mum would talk to her like a child, "aww baby everything will be OK" and my friend would respond, "just shut up!" and walk off thinking she is so stupid. So it does matter how you talk to them, some are more willing to talk if they think you will "understand", some just don't want to talk even if you are tactful. An important thing is that depressed people often don't know exactly what it is thats bothering them or what the actual "problem" really is and that is what they are trying to figure out in their heads. So it is hard for them to talk or explain to others if they can't figure it out themselves. Hence why so many close themselves off in their rooms, listen to music to escape from their own thoughts so it doesn't help when people are always asking, "what's wrong?". That can end up making them more agitated and distant.

I know it is frustrating to see your own child suffering and not being able to do anything to help. Sometimes just showing that you care and giving them their space is good enough for them. She is a teenager and thats when lots of problems start occurring like boys, friends, grades, worrying about their appearance etc. Does your daughter have many friends? What does your daughter like to do? Do you have other children? I'm like a middle person for my brother and parents, they dont communicate well. So if you have another child you can get them to talk to your daughter as it may be easier to talk to someone of a similar age.

If she is reluctant to talk and you cant stand the silences then you may want to try writing her letters, notes, email, text; just something simple. Sometimes I just find it easier to write things down, express myself without getting 1000 questions back. I would stick a post it note on my door with things like, "I'm not coming down for dinner, I'm feeling like crap today and don't want to ruin it for everyone. I will be ok. Enjoy dinner!" And when I get up at night I may find one slipped under the door saying, "that's ok, if you get hungry later there's something in the fridge, hope you feel better! xxx". I haven't done that in a long time but I really appreciated it back then and still have those notes. It was more calm that way without any yelling or people asking me why why why? The next day I would make more of an effort to be pleasant, make them breakfast or something as they have been understanding and considerate towards me then I will return the favour.

One more thing is don't forget to do the things YOU enjoy, yes you have a daughter but your world doesn't have to revolve around her. It is OK to spoil yourself once in a while, de-stress, take your mind off things and enjoy your own life as well. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's not your fault and you are coping the best you can. I wish you all the best x

[Frame]

Hi Diana; Welcome

So much good advice already, but I'd like to say that in my life, complex problems like this tend to give me tunnel vision. Time can sort of halt while I struggle; and I didn't read anything in your post about the future.

I mention this for two reasons. Teressa may not be ready to become independent but there must be plenty of pressure at school and life in general to become more independent from you. Part of her anxiety may be about the future and I wonder if you two have any mutual understanding about what the future holds.

The second reason is that you are only human and you have a right and responsibility to take care of yourself. We tend to be willing to suffer for our children, but then what we teach our children is how to suffer. So I feel it's important to plan some parts of your life, regardless of you daughters needs, that keep you together; that help you feel (if not happy) like your own life continues to have meaning separate from being a parent. It's just as important to do this for yourself as it is to be an example to your daughter of how it's done.

Hope I'm not being too pushy

[4EverMe]

Leris,
The "notes under the door" idea is just awesome! How many people with teens think of that?
Hmm. Reminiscing on those years now, and knowing that this same idea would have been beneficial and a stress reliever!

I'm grateful you've put this idea out for others.

[Frame]

Looks like Ieris and I were writing at the same time (Ieris you beat me). But the bit about the texts, or notes...

It's not something I would have though of, perhaps a major challenge for depressed people, but talking [not nagging, or yelling, or prying] but just talking is so important. I'm so often somewhere deep inside my head. And it's many times more difficult for me when I think someone is not listening, when they refuse to respond. But the professionals say kids are listening to us parents even when they act like they aren't.