Guilt over separating from my hubby...
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Guilt over separating from my hubby...
I'm looking for coping tips for myself - my hubby, whom I love dearly, has struggled for over 25 years with depression. Hurtful things were said to me, and I understand he's hurting... but I feel I must now leave to take care of me and to give our sons a place away from it all. He's alienated not only himself from family and friends, but we are also alienated from family and friends as well. I have tremendous guilt, but I feel I must go. Any tips?
I was in his place RiceGirl. It was painful. It will be painful. It won't be the last painful thing in either of your lives.
I never agreed with my ex-wife about her leaving. I felt that all the books say that the kids are better off in a whole marriage. Maybe that's true, maybe not. But she had to do what she thought was best for her, and so do you. I didn't fight over her decision, not because I was depressed or because I thought it was best. I let her go without a fight because it's her life and she has the right.
It's only now 16 years later that I realize how much of a compromise her life would have been had she stayed with me. Back then I said a marriage was a commitment, which is true. She broke a promise, which I suppose is also true. But I'm beginning to understand lately how our lives are full of implied promises, especially in a marriage. And as a chronically depressed partner, without the ability to fully commit to my own life every day, I broke a lot of implied (and some explicit) promises.
It doesn't matter that I didn't mean to, or didn't want to; each broken promise was a wound in the marriage and there are only so many a marriage can take without the healing grace of commitment. I thought I was doing all I could, and that would have to do. But with this depression I'm really only carrying part of my responsibility. That's a lot to expect from a partner. There has to be a way to bring balance and equality.
So I pray for you. And any tips I might have... Well, it's important for yourself and children that you don't let him get between you and any support groups, like family or church. You have every right to independence. If you intend to continue to be a significant part of his life, I thing it's important to plan ahead how to achieve some balance and equality and stick to the plan.
Welcome to the group;
Frame
I never agreed with my ex-wife about her leaving. I felt that all the books say that the kids are better off in a whole marriage. Maybe that's true, maybe not. But she had to do what she thought was best for her, and so do you. I didn't fight over her decision, not because I was depressed or because I thought it was best. I let her go without a fight because it's her life and she has the right.
It's only now 16 years later that I realize how much of a compromise her life would have been had she stayed with me. Back then I said a marriage was a commitment, which is true. She broke a promise, which I suppose is also true. But I'm beginning to understand lately how our lives are full of implied promises, especially in a marriage. And as a chronically depressed partner, without the ability to fully commit to my own life every day, I broke a lot of implied (and some explicit) promises.
It doesn't matter that I didn't mean to, or didn't want to; each broken promise was a wound in the marriage and there are only so many a marriage can take without the healing grace of commitment. I thought I was doing all I could, and that would have to do. But with this depression I'm really only carrying part of my responsibility. That's a lot to expect from a partner. There has to be a way to bring balance and equality.
So I pray for you. And any tips I might have... Well, it's important for yourself and children that you don't let him get between you and any support groups, like family or church. You have every right to independence. If you intend to continue to be a significant part of his life, I thing it's important to plan ahead how to achieve some balance and equality and stick to the plan.
Welcome to the group;
Frame
Thank you for your kind reply
It was very uplifting. I've been at a loss for words recently, so thank you doesn't seem like quite enough. But, Thank you.
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