How do I continue on???

[Tiredsoulsos]

Dear all,

By way of background and update, my finac and i have been together for a few years now. He had always had his ups and downs (extreme ends) and i had always put up with them thinking this was how I should be (I.e. understanding and accommodating) so as to be a deserving other half to him. It was not only at the start of this year when my friends told me that I am in an abusive relationship that I read up about it and realized that I was indeed being verbally and emotionally abused. He never did hit me but would lose his temper a lot out of the blue, slam doors, pick fights with me for no reasons etc. then accuse me of all sorts of things I was not. Anyway, long and short is he realized this after left him for a couple of months. He begged me to return and said he was seeing a therapist and that he had changed.

I finally returned to him after he showed that he had indeed changed. He became very loving and has been trying to control his temper. However, he saw is therapist for perhaps only 10 sessions and stopped after that saying that he is fine and does not want to spend anymore unnecessary money. He has not really shouted a me or slammed doors etc. for the past few months but these recent months have been torturous emotionally to me in strangely another way....

He still has very extreme mood swings and can be very happy one moment, and very very depressed (as though every single thing is soooo bleak) the next. He still gets upset at the turn of a second but rather than shouting like he used to, he would argue and pick fights with me in a very calm manner. So ever time such things happen for no rhyme or reason, I would of course get frustrated and would try to reason back with him. He is much more eloquent than me and I always feel like I have to take the blame every single time when I know very well that it wasn't my fault. I feel so rotten inside but I just have no more energy to fight him so I just keep quiet and just acknowledge that I hear him. But that doesn't please him too and he would accuse me of going into a bad mood and be anger with him which I have no reason to be since I am at fault?! 

So many times it would be his mood swings the would ruin a great moment for us and I am so tired of it. When I try to explain to him how I feel he says I am not normal because all his friends are as emotional days he is?! That I am abnormal to just want a peaceful life without having fights every week? Or that I know he has issues and I am not being understanding towards him and just being too self centered?

For instance, we had a great time out on my birthday but when we got back home, he suddenly said I exhausted him out and so made him fall ill and as a result he feels so sick hneeds to rest for 3 days. I felt wrong and said he could have told me so and I would have been understanding and not force him to do anything. I also asked him why he always feel so tired and unwell. I told he has been feeling sick and taking medicine and having to sleep for long hours almost once every other week and tha is abnormal. I said it in a concerned tone and not in anyway accusing him of anything. But he flew off the handle and shouted at me for being uncaring and heartless towards him. I mean, I can take care f him when he's ill and I will do that voluntarily but t have to do that every week when I know that is physically nothing wrong with him makes me frustrated. 

Another time we were on a trip together and out of the blue he became very depressed and upset and said he was useless and can't do anything. I was again caught out of the blue but tried to be as supportive and understanding as i could. Coaxed him out of his depression but i was feeling nwell myslef but i pushed on, for his sake. Couple of days before the trip he said he was sick again so I asked him to stay home and rest and leave everything to me. So I worked and prepared for our trip without sleeping for more than 48hours and when we finally got the where we wanted to go, I thought all was well. I can't start to describe how miserable I felt when he got into is mood swings again and I had to play the spporting role again when I felt like death myself for not having much sleep for 72 hours by then. He finally got out of his mood the next day.

There are just so man of such instances that I can go on but I know I can't here. It's just that his mood swings have just made me feel so terrified because I don't know when the next one is coming. Like tonight, we were having a perfectly fine dinner and he suddenly said he doesnt feel like socializing with anyone (he has a few appointments this week with friends and relatives) and I said I totally sympathize with him but sometimes one just have to get through with such socializing. He then flared up at me for being unsympathetic. I explained to him that I do sympathize and understand how he feels but I also wanted to explain to him about how I see it. He got even more upset and accused me of always of not being patient with him. I felt so wrong but I felt that there was no point arguing and I was simply too tired of fighting, so I said yes I hear you though I don't agree with you. Let's not fight. Let's agree to disagree. The he accused me of always lie like the - that I will go into a bad mood and not talk to him?! 

I feel sooooo tired, so wronged and so unappreciated. He would say how much he loves me when he s in a good mood. But when his mood swings he other way, he would say all these nasty and irrational things. He does not see all the times I have been trying to be patient, understanding, accommodating and going all out (even without sleep and having my own emotions turned upside down) to make him feel better. It feels worse when during these times he accused me of not being supportive, patient, loving and caring towards him. It actually hurts so very much, especially when I am trying so hard to make him happy. 

I feel happy when he is happy and when everything is well. I do get upset when he gets into his mood swings, or say he is so tired he feels sick, or he accuses me of all things I am not. I told him I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster but he thinks I am being u reasonable for wanting a peaceful life....

In a nutshell, I am tired and exhausted. I know he loves me because I know he will willingly give up hislife for me because I am everything he has. I love him too. But I don't know how long I can take this without breaking myself. This emotional roller coaster is slowly killing me again. He is no longer abusing me with his shoutngs and screamings, but I still don't feel good and I still feel tortured.....why? Any advice on why this s happening and what I should do? I am lost.....

Pls someone show me a way....

Also, now that he has gone for therapy, he keeps harping than he is fine nw and that the problem lies wit and not him. That I am the one not making any effor to keep us going....this I so hurtful.....

[Lexington]

Hi,
I am very sorry to hear your story.
Your situation is slightly different to mine. My ex (after 7 happy years together) pushed me away when he got depressed. But before he did, it was exhausting. Constantly in a bad mood with me and happy as larry with his buddies. House devil, street angel.
He got to the point where he shut me out and a cold stranger ended the relationship.
As you love your man you want to help him. Maybe you could tell him that for both your sakes he needs to get control on his depression. He needs to find a good therapist who can really make a difference.
Everyone deserves to be happy. You love each other which means there is hope for you.
I admire your strength. He is very lucky to have someone so strong and caring. Best of luck to you both.