A relationship of one

[Megan]

I have come to realize that my boyfriend of 2 years suffers badly with depression. It comes in bouts that last two to four weeks and happen 3 or 4 times a year, connected to holidays and anniversaries of lost loved ones. or sometimes work stress.

The trouble is, when it stikes, he isolates totally, if I am lucky he will send a couple of dry text messages a day, no visits, no phone calls. This comes all rather suddenly and I feel like the rugg has been pulled out from underneath me, abandoned, and like I am all alone in our relationship.

There is no way to make him talk. I might get a message that says he is feeling very sad, he will cancel dates saying he is not well. But that's about it, no further discussion. I will convey compassion, sorry he is feeling that way, is there anything I can do etc.

I am left not knowing how to deal with this at all, I end up feeling so sad, abandoned and it really feels like its impossible to have a relationship that goes like this. How do other partners of people suffering from depression deal with this? How do you cope with your own sense of loss when the depressed person pretty much vanishes from your life?

[EarlDE]

I understand what you are going through. I have been married to a woman for 21 years that suffers from depression and have experienced what you are saying. Below are a few tips that I found on this website. The most important is to take care of yourself. Find activities that you can do without your partner. He is not doing this to hurt you.


Here are a few tips that Obayan posted I am reposting that can possibly help you both through these trying times.

#1. When you're having difficulty with your spouses depression you need to look back and remember why you married this person in the first place. What are their good qualities? What made you fall in love with them? They're not depressed all of the time, are they? Don't they
still have most of those good qualities?

Although it's not always easy to do, you need to remember that you love this person and anything less than caring and compassion isn't fair to them. Remember your wedding vows "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, til' death do us part". So many people in
todays society "run away" when the going gets tough in a marriage. I highly recommend that you do some soul searching and looking at the good things that your spouse has to offer before you make any rash decisions.

#2. Find time for yourself. Although you do have a responsibility to your partner you also have to maintain your own sanity at the same time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking an hour or two a few times during the week and spending it by yourself or with friends. You must have this time to retreat and regroup and get yourself together. As much as you may love your spouse, this is totally acceptable and recommended. We're all human beings and must take breaks from time to time.

#3. Recommend that your spouse get some type of treatment. This is assuming that they haven't already done so. If this is the case, then they'll need to see the doctor again. It's highly advisable that you go with your spouse to the doctor at least one time. That way the doctor
can thoroughly explain what's happening, what you need to be aware of or watch out for, things that you can do to help, side effects of the medications, ect.

The last item "side effects of the medications" is particularly important for the spouse to understand. One of these side effects may be a lack of desire, interest or ability to have sex. As their partner, it would be very easy to take this personally, but you need to understand that it's not you, but your partner's mental state, combined with the medication that they're taking. As difficult as this may seem you need to keep in mind that this is a temporary thing and that "roses will bloom again" between you two.

#4. Be compassionate, but don't enable them. This is not meant to be cruel, but you need to be certain that they really need your help or they could become dependent on you.

This is a very fragile thing and you must be extremely careful in order not to hurt their feelings and upset them even more, but they need to begin to get back on their feet as soon as possible. Here are a few things to look for.

They were able to take care of themselves fine all day long while you were at work, but now that you're home they need everything done for them. Or, you see them perform a simple task fine, but the next time that it needs to be done they want you to do it.

Once again, this is a very fragile situation and can cause feelings to be hurt badly, but it's also important that you not let this get out of hand. This is called "enabling" and it's not helping them or you. Granted, there are going to be times when your spouse is going to depend on you for many things, but there's going to come a point when they need to try and get back on their feet. You really should not speak to them about this before consulting their doctor. This way you are not perceived as the "bad guy".

#5. Always let them know that you love them. Always give them the benefit of the doubt. They're your life partner and deserve nothing less from you.

Let me know how things go.